In-laws and mandatory presents

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I agree - no gifts for mothers day or fathers day. That is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore those lists. Get them something in your price range (maybe as tailored toward the list as possible, like just the scarf of a full outfit), and that's that. Or just don't do gifts, but send a card and call them on the special day.

You DO realize you are an adult and can do whatever works for your budget, yes? You DO understand that meeting someone else's expectations isn't "mandatory," right?

[Anonymous]

"Mandatory"? What are you afraid will happen if you give them something other than what they have suggested?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're late 20s, but we set a $40-50 limit per parents. They still gift us with $200 presents, but we can't help that. We just aren't going to reciprocate.

Oh and mothers day/ fathers day aren't gift giving holidays. We give the moms flowers and take them to lunch. Fathers get taken to movies/fishing and might get cookies instead of flowers. I can't stand how those holidays have become gift giving holidays.

How nice that you live close enough to be with your parents on these days. I don't. So I'm glad that sending them a special gift and calling lets them know that I am thinking of them.

We don't live closeby. We either take them out when we see them or make plans for later. One set lives 3 hours away and the other 18 hours away. Still no gifts. I really think mothers day is mainly for those with children at home anyways. As an adult child I thank my mother constantly, but she's in more of a friend role now than a mothering role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're late 20s, but we set a $40-50 limit per parents. They still gift us with $200 presents, but we can't help that. We just aren't going to reciprocate.

Oh and mothers day/ fathers day aren't gift giving holidays. We give the moms flowers and take them to lunch. Fathers get taken to movies/fishing and might get cookies instead of flowers. I can't stand how those holidays have become gift giving holidays.

How nice that you live close enough to be with your parents on these days. I don't. So I'm glad that sending them a special gift and calling lets them know that I am thinking of them.

We don't live closeby. We either take them out when we see them or make plans for later. One set lives 3 hours away and the other 18 hours away. Still no gifts. I really think mothers day is mainly for those with children at home anyways. As an adult child I thank my mother constantly, but she's in more of a friend role now than a mothering role.

Same here. We send the moms flowers and when we were home later in the summer took my dad to a baseball game. He doesn't want stuff. I always leave FIL to DH, who like a typical guy does nothing (not that FIL cares, but it's still s bit annoying that he can't put any effort into holidays).

[Anonymous]

Yes, we received lists with model numbers. The year the washer and dryer set was on the list was my breaking point. The worst is that my parents aren't about gifts, but his are - so it felt very lopsided. DH and I are not about gifts especially shipping to people we don't see often, so gradually dropped down. But it took several years and some years were lopsided, but our holiday season is much more relaxed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we received lists with model numbers. The year the washer and dryer set was on the list was my breaking point. The worst is that my parents aren't about gifts, but his are - so it felt very lopsided. DH and I are not about gifts especially shipping to people we don't see often, so gradually dropped down. But it took several years and some years were lopsided, but our holiday season is much more relaxed.

OP here. LOL. I would be way past my boiling point if they asked anything nearly that expensive. My parents are the same as yours - never have asked for or expected presents from us, so experiencing this with DH's parents is frustrating because I so not used to it with mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we received lists with model numbers. The year the washer and dryer set was on the list was my breaking point. The worst is that my parents aren't about gifts, but his are - so it felt very lopsided. DH and I are not about gifts especially shipping to people we don't see often, so gradually dropped down. But it took several years and some years were lopsided, but our holiday season is much more relaxed.

OP here. LOL. I would be way past my boiling point if they asked anything nearly that expensive. My parents are the same as yours - never have asked for or expected presents from us, so experiencing this with DH's parents is frustrating because I so not used to it with mine.

+1 At parents' home, they are always trying to see what they can do for us or give to us. With DH's parents, it's the exact opposite. Asking DH to pay for an ipad, a trip, this that. And my parents definitely have less $$ than they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we received lists with model numbers. The year the washer and dryer set was on the list was my breaking point. The worst is that my parents aren't about gifts, but his are - so it felt very lopsided. DH and I are not about gifts especially shipping to people we don't see often, so gradually dropped down. But it took several years and some years were lopsided, but our holiday season is much more relaxed.

OP here. LOL. I would be way past my boiling point if they asked anything nearly that expensive. My parents are the same as yours - never have asked for or expected presents from us, so experiencing this with DH's parents is frustrating because I so not used to it with mine.

+1 At parents' home, they are always trying to see what they can do for us or give to us. With DH's parents, it's the exact opposite. Asking DH to pay for an ipad, a trip, this that. And my parents definitely have less $$ than they do.

And neither way is right, and neither way is wrong. Because either way, YOU ARE FREE TO CHOOSE what you decide to do with your money, time and resources, and either way YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHOICE.

So either give into their whims and get them something off the list, or grow a pair and set some expectations/boundaries. Either way, it's your choice: own it and don't complain about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we received lists with model numbers. The year the washer and dryer set was on the list was my breaking point. The worst is that my parents aren't about gifts, but his are - so it felt very lopsided. DH and I are not about gifts especially shipping to people we don't see often, so gradually dropped down. But it took several years and some years were lopsided, but our holiday season is much more relaxed.

OP here. LOL. I would be way past my boiling point if they asked anything nearly that expensive. My parents are the same as yours - never have asked for or expected presents from us, so experiencing this with DH's parents is frustrating because I so not used to it with mine.

+1 At parents' home, they are always trying to see what they can do for us or give to us. With DH's parents, it's the exact opposite. Asking DH to pay for an ipad, a trip, this that. And my parents definitely have less $$ than they do.

Damn that's rude. Money should flow down hill from those who've had years to save and increase earning to those just starting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow a spine, be a little resourceful, and solve this problem.

"Nancy, Jim and I talked about it, and the gifts you've chosen aren't in our budget. That's a lovely cashmere sweater you picked out. We'd like to give you a $XX Ann Taylor gift card toward the purchase. If there's something in the $XX price range you'd rather have, please let us know!"

Yes, this, word for word and just substitute in the gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow a spine, be a little resourceful, and solve this problem.

"Nancy, Jim and I talked about it, and the gifts you've chosen aren't in our budget. That's a lovely cashmere sweater you picked out. We'd like to give you a $XX Ann Taylor gift card toward the purchase. If there's something in the $XX price range you'd rather have, please let us know!"

I like this. If you can't bring yourself to do that, I say start asking for expensive stuff that you need or want. It probably feels rude to you but I'd guess they'd be happy to know what you like since it sounds like they are willing to be very direct themselves!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are in our mid-20s and not exactly rolling in dough, but doing our best to save as much as possible. For the whole time we have been married (and prior to that), DH's parents have emailed him prior to each of their birthdays, mother's/father's day, and Christmas telling him that they would like a specific gift or gifts. Each of these gifts is usually about $100, so this adds up to roughly $600 year. I think this is unfair - we send cards but never ask them for presents (although they do send things we don't ask for) and this is a pretty large expense for where we are at.

Am I being stingy? I would much rather we just exchanged cards and bought ourselves the things we wanted. It just doesn't sit well with me that they essentially tell us we need to buy them these gifts.

Can they buy expensive gifts themselves? If not and if they feel they really need or deserve something, then they should budget. Not use you and DH. They sound ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are in our mid-20s and not exactly rolling in dough, but doing our best to save as much as possible. For the whole time we have been married (and prior to that), DH's parents have emailed him prior to each of their birthdays, mother's/father's day, and Christmas telling him that they would like a specific gift or gifts. Each of these gifts is usually about $100, so this adds up to roughly $600 year. I think this is unfair - we send cards but never ask them for presents (although they do send things we don't ask for) and this is a pretty large expense for where we are at.

Am I being stingy? I would much rather we just exchanged cards and bought ourselves the things we wanted. It just doesn't sit well with me that they essentially tell us we need to buy them these gifts.

Can they buy expensive gifts themselves? If not and if they feel they really need or deserve something, then they should budget. Not use you and DH. They sound ridiculous.

OP here. Yes, they are very well off and frivolous spenders so I don't understand why they don't just buy the things themselves. FIL constantly buys himself things from infomercials.

[Anonymous]

Then buy them something else or don't exchange gifts.