Husband and socialization...or lack thereof

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actions speak louder than words. Your DH doesn't want to socialize with people he doesn't know. Why do you keep making him?

I don't make him do anything. Ever. He has never said anything that has led me to believe he doesn't want to be included in gatherings. He actually seems to get excited when we have a social engagement. He just sucks at it when we're there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's your HUSBAND! Of COURSE you should talk with him! Help him. Find out why he's not talking. Maybe he's stressed and making a mental list in his head of everything he has to do. Maybe his heart is beating wildly and he's mentally checking his body to make sure it's not a heart attack. Maybe he's going through something and consumed.

Just say to him "Hey, I've noticed you're super quiet lately when we're socializing. What's going on? Can I help you somehow?"

Good suggestions, thank you.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are both introverts but I can fake being an extrovert much better than he can. At any rate, when we go out with a new couple, I just tell it like it is...I really like this woman, our kids get along and I need you to be as social as you can with her and her husband. We generally make a joke out of it and I tell him to drink if necessary Afterwards I always makes sure he gets some time alone to decompress. I also make sure that I only require his presence at the important events/events where most husbands will be present and attend everything else alone/with just my kids.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly our situation, OP. DH and I have been married almost 15 years. In all that time, he has not made any new friends. He had one friend when we met, however the friend moved away after a few years and they did not keep in touch.

We moved to this area not knowing anyone, so I worked hard to meet people and make new friends. I've made a few new friends but we don't have any couple friends and I doubt we ever will, since my husband is awkward socially and doesn't really know how to talk to other men (he has told me this). He has difficulty relating to other men because he's not a "guy's guy" and has zero interest in sports, beer, cars or tech stuff, so he doesn't know what to talk to other men about, both at work and in his free time. Usually when we socialize with other families he spends all the time taking care of our toddler (and not really talking to anyone), while I do the socializing with both the moms and the dads. He plays on a sports league twice a week, and has for almost 10 years, but doesn't know anything about the other guys on his team, and has never socialized with them outside of games.

I'm resigned to the fact that my husband has no interest in socializing, and that it's all up to me to make friends for our family. We have no local family and we have an only child, so it's super important to me that we have "family friends" to spend time on the weekends with and spend holidays with. But when it's all up to one person to make the family friends, it's really hard, and so I haven't been as successful making friends as I'd like, and I do think a part of that is because my husband has no interest in getting to know the other dads.

But I just do what I can do in terms of being friendly with the moms, and I hope that we will eventually make some family friends, though it will be harder since my husband doesn't make any effort at socializing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly our situation, OP. DH and I have been married almost 15 years. In all that time, he has not made any new friends. He had one friend when we met, however the friend moved away after a few years and they did not keep in touch.

We moved to this area not knowing anyone, so I worked hard to meet people and make new friends. I've made a few new friends but we don't have any couple friends and I doubt we ever will, since my husband is awkward socially and doesn't really know how to talk to other men (he has told me this). He has difficulty relating to other men because he's not a "guy's guy" and has zero interest in sports, beer, cars or tech stuff, so he doesn't know what to talk to other men about, both at work and in his free time. Usually when we socialize with other families he spends all the time taking care of our toddler (and not really talking to anyone), while I do the socializing with both the moms and the dads. He plays on a sports league twice a week, and has for almost 10 years, but doesn't know anything about the other guys on his team, and has never socialized with them outside of games.

I'm resigned to the fact that my husband has no interest in socializing, and that it's all up to me to make friends for our family. We have no local family and we have an only child, so it's super important to me that we have "family friends" to spend time on the weekends with and spend holidays with. But when it's all up to one person to make the family friends, it's really hard, and so I haven't been as successful making friends as I'd like, and I do think a part of that is because my husband has no interest in getting to know the other dads.

But I just do what I can do in terms of being friendly with the moms, and I hope that we will eventually make some family friends, though it will be harder since my husband doesn't make any effort at socializing.

Thanks for this. Sounds like you really get it. You said it well...it is really hard to be the only one working on making friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's with all this gently stuff.

Gently worn clothes.
Gently talk about ...
Gently played with toys.
Gently handle situations.

Just ask him. He's not going to break.

I have never spoken to any of my neighbors but my husband has. I don't feel the need to socialize with any of them. Why are you trying to force your husband into things he clearly is not interested in ? My husband never forces me to be social. I think I'd divorce him if he did.

Do not go gently into the suburban night....

[Anonymous]

PP here. It is really hard to be the social director of a couple, especially when the other partner not only is awkward socially, but also has zero interest in getting to know the other dads. My husband has told me many times that he just has no interest in getting to know other dads and is fine not having any friends. It's hard for me to relate to this, because making friends is so important to me (and I work so hard at it) but since we've been married so long and he has not made any friends, I know that he knows himself and knows his priorities and that it is pointless to try to get him to change. That's not fair to his introverted nature and his need for solitude. He works hard at a demanding job and I don't mind going to events alone most of the time.

It definitely makes it much harder to make "family friends" though because while I am fine being friends with just the moms, I would think that it will take much longer to ever make "family friends" because my husband doesn't want to get to know the dads. So if they have other people to spend weekends and holidays with, they will probably not choose to spend time with us since my husband isn't interested in socializing.

The events that my husband enjoys the most are usually family friendly events like going to the playground or an indoor gym, where he can be with our toddler the whole time and I socialize with the moms and dads myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just described me.

I find as I get older, I tire more easy and have less patience for small talk. I don't like to socialize either. The women will prattle on forever. I don't see why that needs to involve me.

question: how about the guys/DHs at the party? When/what do you talk to them about?

How can OP make the situation more comfortable for DH?

[Anonymous]

I remember my wife forced me to play golf with her uncle and his buddies. I am a good athlete and as into sports as the next guy, but I had never golfed and had a negative view of it. I just told myself, go with the flow, the time will pass, and I'll go back to dong things I like to do. Go with the flow. Tell your husband to do that. It doesn't have to be much -- just some smiling and chit chat. It's part of life. But let him have his free time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are both introverts but I can fake being an extrovert much better than he can. At any rate, when we go out with a new couple, I just tell it like it is...I really like this woman, our kids get along and I need you to be as social as you can with her and her husband. We generally make a joke out of it and I tell him to drink if necessary Afterwards I always makes sure he gets some time alone to decompress. I also make sure that I only require his presence at the important events/events where most husbands will be present and attend everything else alone/with just my kids.

What do you tell people who are sober/aa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are both introverts but I can fake being an extrovert much better than he can. At any rate, when we go out with a new couple, I just tell it like it is...I really like this woman, our kids get along and I need you to be as social as you can with her and her husband. We generally make a joke out of it and I tell him to drink if necessary Afterwards I always makes sure he gets some time alone to decompress. I also make sure that I only require his presence at the important events/events where most husbands will be present and attend everything else alone/with just my kids.

What do you tell people who are sober/aa?

As noted, the drink if necessary part is more of a joke, my husband isn't a big drinker and even alcohol consumption doesn't bring out an inner extrovert...he's just a quiet guy. I have no desire to change who he is, but he knows that making couple friends is incredibly important to me because with no family in the area, I'm trying to build my village. In that regard, he understands that in order to do that, I need his help every once in awhile and he needs to step outside of his comfort zone for my sake. He knows I genuinely appreciate his efforts.