Thanksgiving with a Recovering Alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Not if it is at your uncle's house.

Have a glass of wine when you get home and be thankful for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when someone is a recovering alcoholic, the kind thing to do when dining with them is to abstain for one night.

I think your father should forego the beer and you should forego the wine. You can enjoy every other meal you consume. For this one, focus on enjoying family rather than the food.

i agree with this. is it really that hard?

I have been with alcoholics trying to abstain and then seen other people, who themselves were addicted but not dealing with the problem, drinking alcohol without any consideration for the person trying to abstain.

for one night, give it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would abstain and remind myself that if having the wine is that important to me, maybe I'm the one with the problem.

As someone who is pregnant right now and craving my 1st drink, with a step dad who has been clean and sober for 25 years- I find this shit hilarious, and so would he.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUPHlAbAf2I

Not wanting to forgo wine automatically around someone with addiction issues is "having a problem"?
LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUPHlAbAf2I

[Anonymous]

Bring dessert! Your uncle, if he is newly in the stages of recovery, may not have found a way to voice his needs directly yet and he may be temped to tell you it's fine to save face.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are bringing wine JUST FOR YOU -- that is crazy. Why don't you bring a pie or turkey just for you too? Have a drink before you leave and when you get back if you have too. Sorry, but it's the right thing to do in this case.

[Anonymous]

On the one hand, forbidding anyone from drinking is kind of rigid.

On the other hand, it's important to just "keep the peace" from time to time even if there's a good argument to be made that the hosts are a bit eccentric about this issue.

If I am not going to see someone a lot I try to remind myself to be tolerant of the eccentricities of others and usually it's not worth the hassle to tempt fate. So while I might want to sneak in some alcohol, having to sneak it around, and the drama that might ensue if I got caught, even if I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, would sort of take all the enjoyment out of it for me anyway.

But then I'm not a huge alcoholic beverage drinker so I don't really have a problem going for extended periods of time without drinking anything.

Now if you told me they were banning any desserts or sweet stuff I'd be pissed off. Can't live without my dessert.

[Anonymous]

I'm in recovery. Just ask him how he feels and accept his answer. I find it more uncomfortable and awkward when people treat alcohol differently than they normally would just because I'm there. It's an effort to be respectful, I get it, but it's not like I can't be at the same table with alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in recovery. Just ask him how he feels and accept his answer. I find it more uncomfortable and awkward when people treat alcohol differently than they normally would just because I'm there. It's an effort to be respectful, I get it, but it's not like I can't be at the same table with alcohol.

+1

though it depends on his stage of recovery. my husband would have said he was "fine" with it after one year of sobriety, even though that would have been a lie, because he doesn't like to rock the boat or make anyone uncomfortable. he's been sober now for 4 years and that "fine" would be the truth. if he's been sober for a few years, i would definitely accept his answer at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in recovery. Just ask him how he feels and accept his answer. I find it more uncomfortable and awkward when people treat alcohol differently than they normally would just because I'm there. It's an effort to be respectful, I get it, but it's not like I can't be at the same table with alcohol.

For me not drinking would be a show of solidarity. I'm glad you're sober and if you have to be sober around these jerks [actual language redacted to protect the sensitivities of DCUM], I'm going to be right there with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is this the name of a new miniseries

You mean, reality show? Fantastic concept!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in recovery. Just ask him how he feels and accept his answer. I find it more uncomfortable and awkward when people treat alcohol differently than they normally would just because I'm there. It's an effort to be respectful, I get it, but it's not like I can't be at the same table with alcohol.

+1 from another person in recovery

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Let me start by saying that just because I enjoy a nice wine on occasion in no way makes me an alcoholic or someone who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. That is such a wild leap some of you are making. That is also why I clarified at the beginning that I don't drink regularly and never in excess.

As for Thanksgiving dinner, a nice Pinot is my cranberry sauce. It accompanies the turkey nicely and is just as important as the potatoes or desert. It one of your family members had an unhealthy relationship with sugar, would you skip desert? Also, just because my family doesn't enjoy wine, my grandmother used to but not at her age with her medications, shouldn't have any bearing on what I choose to drink. There will be five, maybe six of us, so it's not like there are a lot of people not drinking. My partner doesn't drink wine either, but I still open a bottle on occasion.

As for my uncle, I want to be supportive of his sobriety and I want to be respectful to him. He is recently sober, again, and seems to be doing well. He has never been a wine drinker and it is not like there is some big party with alcohol flowing, so I'm not sure that my one glass of wine would be a trigger for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Let me start by saying that just because I enjoy a nice wine on occasion in no way makes me an alcoholic or someone who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. That is such a wild leap some of you are making. That is also why I clarified at the beginning that I don't drink regularly and never in excess.

As for Thanksgiving dinner, a nice Pinot is my cranberry sauce. It accompanies the turkey nicely and is just as important as the potatoes or desert. It one of your family members had an unhealthy relationship with sugar, would you skip desert? Also, just because my family doesn't enjoy wine, my grandmother used to but not at her age with her medications, shouldn't have any bearing on what I choose to drink. There will be five, maybe six of us, so it's not like there are a lot of people not drinking. My partner doesn't drink wine either, but I still open a bottle on occasion.

As for my uncle, I want to be supportive of his sobriety and I want to be respectful to him. He is recently sober, again, and seems to be doing well. He has never been a wine drinker and it is not like there is some big party with alcohol flowing, so I'm not sure that my one glass of wine would be a trigger for him.

Well, if you've already decided and feel good about your choice, you don't need our advice.

[Anonymous]

If he'd been sober for a while, I'd say ask him and he may likely say it's no problem. My DH wouldn't have any problem with it, and we've specifically told guests that if they'd like to bring wine or beer, that's fine w/us.
However, since you say he's "recently sober, again," it's a trickier situation. When it's recent, it's more difficult to deal with being around alcohol, and since you say "again," it sounds like he was previously sober and relapsed. Given those circumstances, I'd be inclined to forgo the wine this year. I understand what you mean about it enhancing the meal, but your uncle is in a more delicate situation than someone who has been sober for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you would be the only one drinking the wine, I probably wouldn't bring it.

Why not? It is an enjoyable part of my meal. Should I have a Bud with my dad? That's not enjoyable for me.

Because you might make your uncle or other family members feel awkward. You can give up a glass of wine with dinner in order to make others comfortable.

If you can't, you might have a problem yourself.

+1. Make the sacrifice (terrible though it is!) and hope that others are kind to you when you are struggling with whatever life has in store for you.