4 yr old says he wishes he was a girl

[Anonymous]

Well, my four year old thought she'd grow up and marry daddy. When she found out that's not how it works, she decided she would marry her sister. I also remember thinking I'd marry my brother. I once tried to breastfeed my baby sister. Kids do and say weird things. They're trying to make sense of the world and figure out which roles they'll be playing as they progress in it.

In your son's case, I'd ask why he wants to be a girl and if he's able to article something specific that he'd like to do, that he thinks boys can't do, and if it's reasonable then I'd encourage him to do that thing anyway. He doesn't have to be constrained by his boy-ness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS1 said this sometimes at that age. I just talked to him about why he felt that way and tried to address his issues. For example, when he said that girls get to play with Barbie dolls, I said pshaw! and bought him a Barbie (and a male figure, too, can't remember which one). He dressed and undressed them occasionally over the next few months, sometimes built houses out of blocks for them to live in, etc. But he didn't play with them as much as his other toys TBH and eventually lost interest completely. He also liked sparkly things, and I let him get sparkly sneakers when he asked for them. He also sometimes tucked his penis between his legs when he was in the tub and would say, "Look I'm a girl!" I would just say, benignly, "Yep, girls don't have penises."

But after a while he didn't mention it anymore. Maybe around age 6? Like OP's son, he seemed all boy in most ways--very rough and tumble, loved playing with trains, trucks, etc. But unlike OP's son, he played equally with boys and girls. I will say, he had a terrific imagination and generally did a lot of playacting--he frequently pretended to be a baby bird, LOL.

He's 17 now and appears to be completely comfortable in his (male) skin. And straight as well.
[i]

Thank you for letting us all know that he did not grow up to be gay.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine that she commented that he grew up to be straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine that she commented that he grew up to be straight.

plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure how to deal with this and whether we should even think of it as something to 'deal' with. I just don't want to not do something early enough if that's what's right in this situation. Advice?

At this age, the only thing that is important is that you treat him normally and allow him to explore whatever he wants. It is possible that he has gender identity issues, but even if he does, you would treat him the same...because he's 4. You have no idea if he likes to do things that he was told only girls do, whether he wants to play girl parts in fantasy play or whether he does have gender identity issues. Treat everything he does as normal children's play and exploration. If he wants to be a girl, address the specific issue (he wants to play house and be the mommy? Sure. he wants to dress up like a Disney princess? No problem) and treat it as normal play. If he still says this when he's older and has more understanding of gender and gender identity, then you address that issue.

My twin 4 year old boys often do make believe play and it's not unusual for one of them to occasionally pick a girl character to play. It happens and there's nothing wrong with it. For us, it's all normal and they're perfectly normal little boys. I rather doubt either one has a gender identity issue, but if they do, we'll love and support them through whatever it takes for them to help them maintain their mental health. But I'm not ready to attribute this to that situation until they are older and have at least some understanding of what makes someone male or female.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a difference between "I wish" and "I am". My ten year old wishes she was a mermaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine that she commented that he grew up to be straight.

+1. I used to work a job where all the men were gay. We spent a lot of time together traveling and were a very social group out of work. There was a dichotomy between the men who had a more feminine nature and played with dolls, play dressed as girls and ones who were "all boy" and had a more masculine nature as adults.

We often talked about childhood experiences and how their parents handled them coming out (this was 10+ years ago) when attitudes were not a generous as they are today.

I think they would be proud of the OP for thinking about her son's experiences and supporting him in his choices. As a parent I would echo the others, 4 is too young to be predict the future, it could just be a phase.

[Anonymous]

One of my boys wanted to be an elephant.