Parents who have Aspergers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to let all this go. Why do you need to "understand" him so much? If you are perseverating on this so much, I'd see a therapist to discuss it with. You are surely driving your husband nuts.

I have been letting it go for the 7 years I have known the man. But we are reaching a crisis situation on his living arrangements, Health and day to day care. Plus now I really see how his aspergers parenting has affected my DH and worse how i continues to hurt him now even as a middle aged man. I was trying to "understand" so I could've past feeling frustrated with FIL and sad for my DH. So many parents write on DCUM asking for sympathy and understanding of their SN children. I'm trying to do the same for my FIL. Never mind. Maybe that's A blessing for those of you with aspergers, you never have to worry about other people feelings or needs. But you have no idea the damage you mace caused to your kids.

Again, you seem to not really grasp what being on the spectrum is like. It's more like being constantly baffled by other people's feelings and needs, sometimes wanting social relationships or feeling lonely, but not understanding how to do better. I understand that you're having a hard time and venting, OP, but it is DEFINITELY not lost on my HFA kid that he doesn't have friends, hurts people's feelings, etc. He knows that he will have a very tough time earning enough to support himself, and that the social skills for having a dating relationship or raising children are going to be a huge struggle. It is a crushing burden for him that DH and I struggle even to slightly alleviate.

I don't know your FIL, but you're painting with way too broad a brush when you talk about all people with this condition as if they don't care. If you talk to your FIL like this, no wonder it's going badly. I know this is hard for you, but it won't help your situation to be so unfair, nor will you get much sympathy if you persist in making these hurtful generalizations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people with aspergers feel lonely or left out or are they more content to be alone? My FIL has no friends and zero social network where he lives. Every single day he reads, walks his dog and listens to classical music and seems very content. When he is with us I wonder if he feels "left out" at the way we (me DH and DD) laugh together, hug etc. We try to include him but he isn't interested. I am really trying to understand what is going on his mind and I know its not something he can articulate. But whats it like to see other people effortlessly socializing, integrating and not be able to do that yourself?

It varies. People on the spectrum are not all the same. They are all individuals with their own personalities and preferences, just like the rest of us. We can't tell you how your FIL feels, and maybe he feels a little of both.

And, of course, there are plenty of people not on the spectrum who dislike their children and in-laws and are generally uncooperative.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a mild case of Asperger's. The beauty of it is that what you see is what you get. There is no hidden agenda or maleficient strategy. The other beauty of it is that I can be very direct with him and he won't ever get offended. He is also very resilient, since he doesn't collapse with the weight of his feelings
The sad part is that he sees the world in black and white. For every problem, there is a solution. If not, then it's not a problem. See how he thinks? That leaves no room for just listening and empathizing.

So there is really nothing to understand. You have to keep your interactions to practical matters. You could have said: "The rule is that you never throw out anything your grandchildren give you until they're out of your house." Aspies love rules!

They also hate change and transitions, but that's also a consequence of aging as well. So even if he wasn't Aspie, he might still not want to move.
Always use rational and objective arguments when arguing anything with him. The emotional stuff doesn't fly.

[Anonymous]

...And yes, all the Aspies I've known are perfectly content with their own company. There are some who are more social, but again, they'll get themselves what they need. You don't need to interfere.