My mom is a hoarder, but amazingly organized-a rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You don't want to be rude?"

Dear, this is how this site works. People spill the beans. You haven't told us anything.

A hoarder is a person who has stacks of stuff dangerously stuffed around the house, or in specific rooms of the house. Sometimes it gets so bad you can't walk around anymore and the hoarder is crushed to death under his giant pile of newspapers, etc.

So is this your mother?

And how is she organized about it?

No, that's the hoarding they show on TV.

OP, my mother is a hoarder. I grew up under those conditions. Saving stuff from your childhood doesn't make her a hoarder. Not being able to come empty handed doesn't make her one either.

So if your mom isn't a hoarder STFU. Enough with the hyperbole.

Maybe you can focus on improving your manners?

[Anonymous]

My MIL offered us DH's crib, mattress and car seat that had been in their unfinished basement for 30 years. Not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to say that I love my mom, she is a good mom and grandma and is very sweet. But she is a bit of a hoarder. I had a baby three weeks ago and now every time she comes over she brings something that she has saved from when I was a baby. She cannot come over empty handed. I could go on, but I don't want to be rude. Also, I know there is probably something I could say to stop it, but she is being nice and I don't want to cause a thing. Ugh.

Saving useful things for use later is not hoarding. It is practical frugality. I loved that my kids used that same wooden blocks I used as a child and the same kids table and chair. If the gifts are appropriate and practical but just not your style or if you prefer new to used, the try to tell her nicely. Will she have more grandchildren or are you her only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You don't want to be rude?"

Dear, this is how this site works. People spill the beans. You haven't told us anything.

A hoarder is a person who has stacks of stuff dangerously stuffed around the house, or in specific rooms of the house. Sometimes it gets so bad you can't walk around anymore and the hoarder is crushed to death under his giant pile of newspapers, etc.

So is this your mother?

And how is she organized about it?

No, that's the hoarding they show on TV.

OP, my mother is a hoarder. I grew up under those conditions. Saving stuff from your childhood doesn't make her a hoarder. Not being able to come empty handed doesn't make her one either.

So if your mom isn't a hoarder STFU. Enough with the hyperbole.

Maybe you can focus on improving your manners?

I have good manners. People should not bitch and moan about non-existent problems.

I have not been able to visit my family home in over 20 years. Hoarding is a vicious mental illness that takes out the whole family. You can't escape it even when you leave and try to come up with excuses when your kids ask why they can't visit their grandparents house. So really, PP, STFU too.

[Anonymous]

MIL saved a bunch of dh's old toys and baby clothes. She had stashed them away neatly in a trunk for him. You would not believe how much stuff can fit into a trunk!

As it turns out, the kids loved discovering Daddy's toys. In fact, the stuff that dh used to play with as a kid (cars, soldiers, legos, baseball cards) is exactly the sort of stuff that our kids love. The baby clothes that she saved are precious - many are lovingly hand knitted items from his relatives.

I'm saving those clothes for my kids. A little sense of their family history. Priceless.

[Anonymous]

What the OP described is not a hoarder. The OP described a sentimental person who saves things which are important to her.

There's a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the OP described is not a hoarder. The OP described a sentimental person who saves things which are important to her.

There's a difference.

Exactly!

If she was a hoarder wouldn't the op be happy she's getting rid of items? If she was a true hoarder you should tell her to bring you more things!

Just be grateful and accept her gift. Then do what you want such as dispose or donate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the OP described is not a hoarder. The OP described a sentimental person who saves things which are important to her.

There's a difference.

Exactly!

If she was a hoarder wouldn't the op be happy she's getting rid of items? If she was a true hoarder you should tell her to bring you more things!

Just be grateful and accept her gift. Then do what you want such as dispose or donate.

Hoarders often do that kind of saving and guilt-laden gift giving. OP never came back to clarify on that state of her mom's house.

Second PP--you pretty clearly have no idea. Gift giving is all kinds of screwed up when it comes to hoarding family members. And they expect you to keep every little thing they give you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL offered us DH's crib, mattress and car seat that had been in their unfinished basement for 30 years. Not kidding.

Please tell me you took them all and then threw them away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom is exactly like yours. She is both a hoarder* and someone who wants me to have all the old baby stuff she saved from my childhood. I let her keep baby stuff at my house for a few months and maybe take pictures of DD in/with it, but then I give it back to her and say DD can't use it or outgrew it or whatever. This works particularly well with handmade baby clothes because I just say, honestly, that I don't want DD to ruin them.

*I agree with PP that keeping a lot of baby stuff does not by itself make someone a hoarder. But an inability to let go of possessions, and an inappropriate idea of their value, is characteristic. My parents didn't hoard newspapers they hoarded furniture. At one point in my teens I counted 46 dining chairs in our two-bedroom house, most in various states of disrepair and awaiting refurbishing that would never happen. They could't bear to donate them because they were so "valuable." My mom brings that dysfunction to me when she tries to fill my house with things she can't let go of: giving stuff to me is a way to get it out of her house, and assign value to it, without actually letting it out of her life.

This is my MIL. Makes me not mind that we are a family of your in a 1200 sq f rowhouse, because it gives the excuse of us just not having enough room. The clothes I just tolerate nicely, but I have to nix the furniture.

[Anonymous]

A couple of things, OP.

My experience when the oldest grandchild was born in my family (not my kid, my brother's) was that my parents went through a kind of intense nostalgia for their own baby years. I heard so many anecdotes and I remember them getting out the baby books and souvenirs. This might not be hoarding so much as reminiscing. She is going through a life change.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, OP. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by being a new mom and wish your own mom could be more in tune with your needs instead of adding to your stress.

Can you elaborate more on the situation? Do you feel like you can't talk to your mom about it without her getting upset?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain, my MIL just broke out a potty for my 2 year old that not only my DH and his sister used, but also MIL and her sister used (ewwwwwww!). My rule of thumb with this stuff is "oh, why don't we keep it at your house for when we visit so we don't have to lug things back and forth" OR to keep it a few weeks then say "thanks, that was helpful but now outgrown/we have a duplicate/don't have space"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL saved a bunch of dh's old toys and baby clothes. She had stashed them away neatly in a trunk for him. You would not believe how much stuff can fit into a trunk!

As it turns out, the kids loved discovering Daddy's toys. In fact, the stuff that dh used to play with as a kid (cars, soldiers, legos, baseball cards) is exactly the sort of stuff that our kids love. The baby clothes that she saved are precious - many are lovingly hand knitted items from his relatives.

I'm saving those clothes for my kids. A little sense of their family history. Priceless.

If I had anything like this from my parents it might make life a bit more bearable. Instead we have lost of "stuff" that is meaningless to no one.