Trailing spouse in the Foreign Service when you already have an internationally focused career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have background in international development, am a trailing spouse, and it's been really, really hard professionally (and otherwise). Good luck.

Can you say more? Since you're still in it, what's made it worth it for your family to stay in the FS even though it's so hard? If you've been considering leaving, what are your biggest grievances?

There are a lot of great things about it, inc. very affordable childcare, free housing. For us to return to DC would mean that I would start at a way lower level than I'd like and that we'd be back in the rat race.

[Anonymous]

This is difficult, but the world is changing. Remote and location independent work is getting easier to find. An online business would be perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our profile. My husband does international banking (wb, iadb) and i do child protection. In our last posting i was not allowed to work under the visani had so i netwoled like crazy anf got an offer with somebody who was willing to wait for my papers to be processed. It was great but highly unusual. I did work with a juge international ngo and if we had moved to another country i would have stayed with them. I was not going to be an expat Wife! You have to figure out what skills are the most in demand and build them as well as language skills. Try to be an expert in something and not a generalist as most countries have local talent to fill the generalist spots!

Judge much? What a nasty attitude. Not every trailing spouse is able to keep their career going and having to deal with people like this just adds to the stress of being one.

No not judging but the assumption was that i would take tennis lessons and go to ceramics class witjput even trying to find a job. I was very committed to finding a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our profile. My husband does international banking (wb, iadb) and i do child protection. In our last posting i was not allowed to work under the visani had so i netwoled like crazy anf got an offer with somebody who was willing to wait for my papers to be processed. It was great but highly unusual. I did work with a juge international ngo and if we had moved to another country i would have stayed with them. I was not going to be an expat Wife! You have to figure out what skills are the most in demand and build them as well as language skills. Try to be an expert in something and not a generalist as most countries have local talent to fill the generalist spots!

Judge much? What a nasty attitude. Not every trailing spouse is able to keep their career going and having to deal with people like this just adds to the stress of being one.

No not judging but the assumption was that i would take tennis lessons and go to ceramics class witjput even trying to find a job. I was very committed to finding a job.

OP here. Sounds like you've been to more than one post and been set on finding work at each - could you share how many tours you all have done and how many you were able to find work at? You sound similar to us in terms of professional profiles, so it's a helpful example. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

We know a couple like this - DH FSO (political?) with a Middle East specialty; DW USAID employee. She went to USAID to cope with the trailing spouse phenom. They are just back in the states after 2 years overseas. But I have no idea whether/how she worked.

[Anonymous]

I know a few foreign service workers. In a couple of cases, the spouse works for another federal agency that allows telework. In another case, the spouse is a writer and can work anywhere. In all three of those cases, the spouses were men. All of the female trailing spouses I know pretty much gave up their careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our profile. My husband does international banking (wb, iadb) and i do child protection. In our last posting i was not allowed to work under the visani had so i netwoled like crazy anf got an offer with somebody who was willing to wait for my papers to be processed. It was great but highly unusual. I did work with a juge international ngo and if we had moved to another country i would have stayed with them. I was not going to be an expat Wife! You have to figure out what skills are the most in demand and build them as well as language skills. Try to be an expert in something and not a generalist as most countries have local talent to fill the generalist spots!

Judge much? What a nasty attitude. Not every trailing spouse is able to keep their career going and having to deal with people like this just adds to the stress of being one.

No not judging but the assumption was that i would take tennis lessons and go to ceramics class witjput even trying to find a job. I was very committed to finding a job.

OP here. Sounds like you've been to more than one post and been set on finding work at each - could you share how many tours you all have done and how many you were able to find work at? You sound similar to us in terms of professional profiles, so it's a helpful example. Thanks!

Yes I think our profiles are similar! As I mentioned I was incredibly committed to finding a job- we did not have kids and I really truly did not know what I would do not working. I first offered volunteer services and while people were interested, volunteering and interning are not very common outside of the western world so people were confused. I literally knocked on doors and used every single contact I had to get interviews with Directors of different NGOs. As long as you are not expecting an international posting, it should be ok. In our last posting I had a local contract with a local salary of $24,000 which of course was hilarious but I contributed to an interesting organization and kept my resume active. Then I worked really hard to be an asset to the NGO so that I could turn that experience into a wider regional role hence being able to move to another country with my husband. I also did all the research to figure out how to change my visa on my own. This was the hardest as I had to deal with tons of red tape, blah blah and eventually had to pay a paper-pusher to do most of the paper-pushing once I had collected the documents. I think in many countries this is typically how it is done. I did give up diplomatic immunity to have a work authorization but we did not care about that as I would still obviously be taken care of if we were to be evacuated (worse case scenario). Another approach is to land a consulting gig in country (again local salary) and turn this into something permanent. Most important is that you just don't give up- it will take time to get something, but its of course worth it so just remember why you are doing what you are doing in the first place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been our circle for nearly 20 yrs. (feds who travel every 2 yrs for State/FBI/CIA/military). I cannot think of a single spouse who has worked overseas, except at the embassy in the aforementioned clerical job. Traveling domestically, I know one wife who is a paralegal and can sometimes work remotely, but even that's been hit or miss.

It is brutal for the spouse's career. In fact, not to be Debbie Downer, but I know more couples who have divorced than ones where the wife is having an "equal" career. In general, the wives have jobs like teaching or nursing, that they re-enter while in the DC area. Some (like me) are housewives.

It's brutal on a marriage

And on the family as a whole. I don't why I am still in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our profile. My husband does international banking (wb, iadb) and i do child protection. In our last posting i was not allowed to work under the visani had so i netwoled like crazy anf got an offer with somebody who was willing to wait for my papers to be processed. It was great but highly unusual. I did work with a juge international ngo and if we had moved to another country i would have stayed with them. I was not going to be an expat Wife! You have to figure out what skills are the most in demand and build them as well as language skills. Try to be an expert in something and not a generalist as most countries have local talent to fill the generalist spots!

Judge much? What a nasty attitude. Not every trailing spouse is able to keep their career going and having to deal with people like this just adds to the stress of being one.

Its also very much about ego. My DH would be an "expat husband" for me in a minute if it meant the boon to my career that our 2 year stint abroad meant to his. He would probably love it actually. Life and marriage are a marathon partnership, not everything is about both people being maximized all. the. time.

Granted, we were on one of those golden packages that don't exist much anymore (private sector) so our rent was paid fully and had some small travel bonus/stipends, etc. But there are worse problems in this world to have than to not feel important or have a resume gap while living in a new (and hopefully exciting place) and getting a cultural experience that most people never get an opportunity to have.

Sure I was bored sometimes or lonely but you know what, I took all the master's level classes I could (was already enrolled in a program when I left) online, found an amazing organization that was happy to have me in their office 20-25 hours a week, met some great friends (I was the only "expat wife" or even married one! in the group, so I'm glad my friends didn't see me that way!) and traveled ALL over the region with my DH since he got holidays off and I probably wouldn't have if I had just started a new position.

Life is too short to define success or fulfillment so narrowly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few foreign service workers. In a couple of cases, the spouse works for another federal agency that allows telework. In another case, the spouse is a writer and can work anywhere. In all three of those cases, the spouses were men. All of the female trailing spouses I know pretty much gave up their careers.

Trying to get the conversation back to actually help OP. We know one FS couple whose wife does telework. I don't think it is the most challenging work, but it brings in some income and she has a sense of purpose. They are in a 3rd world country, so any income goes a long way. (Maybe check out flexjobs.com as a starting point). They have a friend who is a trailing spouse and he does background checks for a contractor. I don't know how it works exactly, but the benefit of that is that the company will employee you at any embassy. Something to look into--sorry I don't have more details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been our circle for nearly 20 yrs. (feds who travel every 2 yrs for State/FBI/CIA/military). I cannot think of a single spouse who has worked overseas, except at the embassy in the aforementioned clerical job. Traveling domestically, I know one wife who is a paralegal and can sometimes work remotely, but even that's been hit or miss.

It is brutal for the spouse's career. In fact, not to be Debbie Downer, but I know more couples who have divorced than ones where the wife is having an "equal" career. In general, the wives have jobs like teaching or nursing, that they re-enter while in the DC area. Some (like me) are housewives.

It's brutal on a marriage

I hate to agree, but this is what I have heard as well. In general, if you want to work, I would figure out something (anything really) so that you don't get absorbed in your spouse's career.