Polite way to say no to in-law visit?

[Anonymous]

I think you should suck it up and let them visit. If not you are sending a message that you don't want them to come. Perhaps you could suggest 5 day visit instead of 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

You should always treat people with kindness, respect and the benefit of the doubt...but you cannot treat them THE SAME. My parents and my in laws are very different people. They are all nice, well-meaning and generally helpful, but they are not the same...it would literally be impossible to treat them the same way. Treat them with equal care and respect, yes, but not THE SAME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

You should always treat people with kindness, respect and the benefit of the doubt...but you cannot treat them THE SAME. My parents and my in laws are very different people. They are all nice, well-meaning and generally helpful, but they are not the same...it would literally be impossible to treat them the same way. Treat them with equal care and respect, yes, but not THE SAME.

I am not sure what you mean by "the same". I am, of course, closer to my own parents than my in-laws but that does not mean I would treat them any way differently than I would my own parents when it comes to access to our house, interaction with my children, taking care of them if they were ill, etc. Perhaps, that is the reason, I get along famously with my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws, who rarely visit us (we usually go to them, 3,000 miles away) want to visit this fall. They are nice people, and our kids would enjoy the visit. However, DH and I are going through a rough time right now in our relationship, and we don't want the added stress of a 7-day in-law visit now, just as things are slowly getting better between us.

How do we politely decline/postpone? We'd like to just postpone them until spring, but aren't sure what to say, since they almost never visit us. Work excuses won't work, unfortunately.

Any suggestions?

Just say you reviewed your calendars and there is too much going on leading up to the holidays. Then suggest three SPECIFIC sets of dates in the spring and ask them to pick one or suggest a few others. Getting the spring dates on the books will reassure them that it is actually happening, you're not just putting them off vaguely and indefinitely.

Have your husband do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

You should always treat people with kindness, respect and the benefit of the doubt...but you cannot treat them THE SAME. My parents and my in laws are very different people. They are all nice, well-meaning and generally helpful, but they are not the same...it would literally be impossible to treat them the same way. Treat them with equal care and respect, yes, but not THE SAME.

I think we know that is what pp meant!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws, who rarely visit us (we usually go to them, 3,000 miles away) want to visit this fall. They are nice people, and our kids would enjoy the visit. However, DH and I are going through a rough time right now in our relationship, and we don't want the added stress of a 7-day in-law visit now, just as things are slowly getting better between us.

How do we politely decline/postpone? We'd like to just postpone them until spring, but aren't sure what to say, since they almost never visit us. Work excuses won't work, unfortunately.

Any suggestions?

Just say you reviewed your calendars and there is too much going on leading up to the holidays. Then suggest three SPECIFIC sets of dates in the spring and ask them to pick one or suggest a few others. Getting the spring dates on the books will reassure them that it is actually happening, you're not just putting them off vaguely and indefinitely.

Have your husband do this.

+1

[Anonymous]

If my husband did to my parents what some are suggesting here, the marriage would be history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

My inlaws don't treat me the same way as they treat their daughter and so I'm not treating them like I treat my parents. It's a two way street folks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

My inlaws don't treat me the same way as they treat their daughter and so I'm not treating them like I treat my parents. It's a two way street folks!

You need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

My inlaws don't treat me the same way as they treat their daughter and so I'm not treating them like I treat my parents. It's a two way street folks!

I don't really get treating the same, either. My parents raised me. My husband's parents raised him. I get treating them with respect, love and kindness... but sorry, are you really sayin I should feel the same way and treat them the same ? The yaren't my parents.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be gracious and agree to have them come. And take advantage of their presence to plan a couple date nights with your husband. If they "rarely" come then do you really want to insult them by saying "don't come"?

I guess I am speaking of someone who would love to have her parents offer to come visit, but they don't. It would be great for your kids to spend time with their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were wanting to visit under the same circumstances would you be fine with your husband telling them they should not?

Not op. PP life is not FAIR. Only children adhere to this immature everything-must-be-tit-for-tat-in-our-families mentality. You seem to pop up with this craziness in every post about in laws. My guess is you are a mil or fil who feel your children must give you exactly the same amount of facetime as the other in laws. No. People are different. Some are wonderful and some are unbearable. There is no "law" that things have to be equal.

Not a FIL or MIL yet ...... but have been happily married for more than 25 years. One of the criteria I have used in dealing with in-laws and others is to consider how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Nothing to do with tit for tat but the surest way to undermine a relationship is to treat your in-laws, step children, etc in a way that you would not want your own parents or children treated. It applies to every facet of life although it can be hard to do in practice.

When my children marry I will tell them the very same thing - my daughter should never treat her in-laws in a way that she would not treat her parents. Whether she will follow my advice is a different matter, of course.

You should always treat people with kindness, respect and the benefit of the doubt...but you cannot treat them THE SAME. My parents and my in laws are very different people. They are all nice, well-meaning and generally helpful, but they are not the same...it would literally be impossible to treat them the same way. Treat them with equal care and respect, yes, but not THE SAME.

I SO agree. DH and I are way closer with my parents than with his, even though his live closer (600 miles vs. 3000 miles). People connect differently, people have baggage. Of course we treat his parents with respect. But we also aren't living in a fantasy world that we are in any way close. His parents are more concerned with themselves than in really knowing their son, or his wife. They are racist and bigoted and intolerant and spend their time talking about how tolerant and accepting they are. The connection just isn't there. I see no reason to pretend and to enforce equality on relationships that emotionally couldn't be less equal.

[Anonymous]

The only thing I would caution about putting off the visit is, are you fairly sure that they're not having some sort of crisis of their own or have news that they want to tell you in person that is time sensitive? If they just want to come and visit to see the grandkids etc then it's fine to put them off, but if they are making this visit because, e.g., someone has been diagnosed with cancer and they want to come before they are too weak from chemo, or they decided they're moving overseas, or they're divorcing, etc etc etc, and they want to tell you in person, then it may be more appropriate to put them first even if you guys are having a tough time right now.

I know that can be hard to figure out over the phone, but just wanted to mention this so you consider the possibility that they may have something going on right now, too, that may be the real reason for the visit.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws don't treat me the same way as they treat their daughter and so I'm not treating them like I treat my parents. It's a two way street folks!

Are you people not reading the original post, or you just lack reading comprehension skills? OP and her husband ARE ON THE SAME PAGE about the fact that they'd prefer the visit to happen in the spring rather than the fall.