My husband is selfish

[Anonymous]

Getting an IUD seems like a strong first step. Once you have control of your fertility, you may find it easier to take control elsewhere.

A trip to the Women's Center is also in order. This is abuse and you should get yourself up to speed as to the right course moving forward.

Sounds like you have fought the good fight, and worked for years to get him to see how damaging his behavior is, but to no avail.

Work on building yourself up, OP. Can you get back to a higher salary? You have a whole life to live free of this bullshit. I wouldn't worry a bit about the years you've spent with this man. Make an appointment with your GYN today. Start mindfully taking steps to increase your independence.

Your husband isn't just selfish, OP, he's an abuser. Save yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, op. Are finances tight with your loss of income and that's why he's a freak about money? Or he's just being a control freak? I'm a SAHM and my husband is really controlling with money and I have to constantly remind myself he's just trying to keep us out of the hole. It's just irritating when he questions every single swipe of the card - I feel like he's at work constantly refreshing our account so he can call and ask me what I bought. Oh well. He's an otherwise really good guy so I'll take the good with the bad. Anyway, I think what matters in the end is if you really shouldn't be spending and he's trying to keep you guys above water or if he's just being controlling.

[Anonymous]

Selfish isn't his problem. He is controlling. The setup you have described, where you are isolated and dependent, is a classic setup for long term serious abuse. I'm so sorry, but you need to get out before you get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to do anymore. My husband is a good man and i know he loves me but its all about him all the time and I'm at the end of my ropes. I have been with him for 9 years, married for almost 2 and he has pretty much always been selfish but because I'm an easy going person it didn't bother me as much as it does now. Eventually you get tired of never being a priority.We eat where he wants to eat, we vacation where he wants to vacation (although we vacation a lot, which is great... It's always on his terms). I have a good life compared to a lot of people but I went from making 70k a year to making half of that.... Before when he would say no, I would go out and buy whatever I wanted on my own. We bought a fixer upper a year ago and just moved in a month ago, it was nothing short of a nightmare. I have spent sleepless nights on the computer pricing out anything from windows to furniture to tiles. Everytime I would find something he would pick it apart do if have to find something else. This is still going on because we are still not done. Tonight I found a bedroom set but I could never just find something and have him give me the card and I could buy it, I have to show him, he has to approve it which is only after a week of looking till 3am and then I'm half out of my mind. Needless to say we got into a fight. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't have access to his credit cards, we don't have joint bank accounts and he wants me to have children. Frankly I'm scared to death because I can't imagine living my life at home with a child begging my husband for 5 bucks song can buy a coffee. In the meantime I spend my days trying to figure out what I can do to better my life as a soul entity because we aren't a team and anytime I even come to him with an idea he blows me off and it's like talking to a wall. I'm a realtor but it varies so often it's hard to have a steady income. Not to mention my husband only wants to hang out in groups, he never wants to go on a date night with him and I alone. The only way I get my own way on a Saturday is if I call and say it was our friends idea. I have tried to have numerous conversations with him about this but he's vacant, he doesn't care and i really don't think I could live like this anymore but I love him I just want more than that. I want a partner, a teammate, someone that cares to make me happy and even if it's not what he wants to do he does it anyways because it makes me smile. I'm literally lost, I'm 29 years old, I have a shaky career, a spouse that's cares about no one but himself, I don't know what else to do accept come on this blog and ask for advice

I have bolded the reasons why you should not - I repeat SHOULD NOT - have children with this man. Every single thing you mentioned will get worse with children.

In fact, honestly, I think that you should leave him. You're young and it would be easy. You don't even have joint finances that you would have to separate. Did you pay into the house? If so, have a lawyer get that investment back for you. If not, honestly, just walk away.

You can build your career up and would probably have an easier time doing that if you were not staying up until 3am worrying about bedroom sets and getting your husband's permission to decorate your own house.

I was just about to bold all the same stuff as PP above. This man is controlling. Please get out now. Again - a rare consensus from DCUM. You came here for advice, please take it.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

You got together when you were 20, you're easy going so you married him at 27, and now at 29 you are unsure about having children with him because of his personality. Get out now. You are young. You could easily meet someone who wants to share the world with you, instead of dictate it to you.

[Anonymous]

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

Rigidly controlling your finances
Withholding money or credit cards
Making you account for every penny you spend
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)
Restricting you to an allowance
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
Stealing from you or taking your money

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

A loving caring marriage is a SHARED partnership. One where ALL financials are talked about TOGETHER.

Don't EVER give ANYONE complete control of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, op. Are finances tight with your loss of income and that's why he's a freak about money? Or he's just being a control freak? I'm a SAHM and my husband is really controlling with money and I have to constantly remind myself he's just trying to keep us out of the hole. It's just irritating when he questions every single swipe of the card - I feel like he's at work constantly refreshing our account so he can call and ask me what I bought. Oh well. He's an otherwise really good guy so I'll take the good with the bad. Anyway, I think what matters in the end is if you really shouldn't be spending and he's trying to keep you guys above water or if he's just being controlling.

You need to read the OP again, this time not focusing on the financial aspects. Also, OP's husband doesn't question every charge she makes because she doesn't actually make any without his permission- she doesn't have access to the credit cards or bank accounts.