mama drama (narcissistic personality disorder edition)

[Anonymous]

to the NP: that gaslighting section was a huge lightbulb for me too. Also the section on the enabling father. It doesn't change anything really but it does explain a lot of the behaviors I dealt with growing up.

[Anonymous]

I will be staying with them for a week

why, oh why, oh why?
Little girl, you can't have it both ways.
Mommy takes care of you with flights and a place to stay - but oh, you hate her so much.
Grow-up. See her if you think you should, but do it as the adult you keep hoping you'll be. Pay your own way. Stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I will be staying with them for a week

why, oh why, oh why?
Little girl, you can't have it both ways.
Mommy takes care of you with flights and a place to stay - but oh, you hate her so much.
Grow-up. See her if you think you should, but do it as the adult you keep hoping you'll be. Pay your own way. Stay in a hotel.

Listen, I get what you are trying to say but your delivery sucks.

I get it. Should I have ever accepted her offer to pay for our flights? Obviously not. But, naievely I thought she was trying to do a nice thing for us. I am trying to give her one last visit with my kids before she dies. Had I even suggested staying in a hotel, it would have spiraled into a confrontation that I didn't feel like having. So, yes you are right. I agreed to this so I shouldn't be complaining about it.

I appreciate the other posters who have had constructive input. Keep it coming...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, no, no.

Everything you do in relation to your mother has to be 100% in your control. You pay, you get a hotel, you eat out, you do NOT depend on her for anything. The decisions that you offer her control over will be decisions that you don't care about - "shall we have Chinese or Indian for dinner?" for example.

So now either you pay and are fine with it, or you don't go and are fine with it. The crucial thing is that you have to be fine with it, and radiate that feeling to her.

This is how it works with cruel, torturing parents. You disengage from them emotionally. All their nasty jabs and blackmail are water off a duck's back. Your strength doesn't depend on her, but from your inner self, where she cannot reach.

Can you tell I've been there?

Yes! I was dying to write it but PP got there first. Like an ancient myth, you must eat nothing they offer and accept no gift. Come on, I'm sure you have experienced the cycle of pain many times by now.
I sympathize OP. It was a special weird and difficult to know the difficult and abusive narcissist had failing health. It isn't like you will get any resolution. They are locked into their pattern, to the death.

[Anonymous]

Don't go! I think this trip will only cause you pain and regret. You can get some kind of credit for the airfare. Maybe
re-book another trip somewhere else and go there just for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would seriously cancel the trip. It's already starting again! You have to set the limit here and follow through. It's the only thing that will ever work with people who have these personality issues! What comes next? Will she yell at you and make you feel awful for wanting to go see your friends? Cancel the trip. seriously. let her throw a temper tantrum. Stay calm and repeat whatever mantra you need to.

[Anonymous]

People die the way they live.

Don't expect a resolution to your problems with Mom. Not on her deathbed. Not happening. Go if it makes you feel better about yourself. Don't perpetuate the martyr mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need some advice on dealing with my mother. we were estranged for several years. Life is fine as long as you do things her way. Any exertion of independence and she attacks. It is very toxic. She refused to come to my wedding, calls me nasty names, and knows what buttons to push to make me feel like crap. I was in therapy for a long time and know that these are her issues, not mine.

My husband and I moved across the country and we have a polite relationship with her. We talk once a week (where I can control the situation). It is frustrating because she rewrites history and has never apologized for the myriad of ways she has hurt me over the years. She knows she has hurt me because I have written letters, tried to have calm conversations but she just uses anything I say against me and paints herself as the victim. I get angry with myself that I keep getting sucked into the manipulative cycle.

She is very sick at the moment. She probably only has a few years left to live. She has been on a downhill slope for a while and out of guilt, I am going to visit her with my kids in a few weeks. I am dreading it with every fiber of my being. The latest is that initially she had offered to pay for our trip since she cant travel and she wants to see us. I will be staying with them for a week and then extending the trip a few days to see some local friends. My mom knew about this for months. She let me know over the weekend that she will no longer be funding the trip because I am extending the trip to see friends. sigh...

I just need to get through this trip. Any advice? I told my dh that after this I am done. I will call her but I cant get sucked backed into this viscous cycle anymore.

She sounds like my grandmother. You shouldn't have let her pay for the trip because that is something else for her to hold over your head. I suggest going back into the therapy during her illness so you have a coping mechanism but she doesn't feel completely abandoned (something else that will add fuel to her fire.) Also prepare your kids ahead of time for one of her unleashings if they haven't been exposed to that behavior before.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who I severed my relationship with after my wedding. Any time I tried to politely set boundaries she would trample all over them and do anything she could to make me miserable, and I finally had to make a clean break once there was nothing she could hold over my head. I've been so much happier since we stopped having a relationship. I sometimes feel weird or like I should feel guilty, but my life is so much better without the toxicity in it.

[Anonymous]

For those of you that have initiated no or very minimal contact, how do you manage the guilt? Clearly, I need to get back into therapy. The tricky part is that it is not horrible all of the time. I guess that is all part of it though, right? My guilt stems from a) she is dying and I must be a shit-tactic daughter to cut her off, and b) once again, my sister will be left to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you that have initiated no or very minimal contact, how do you manage the guilt? Clearly, I need to get back into therapy. The tricky part is that it is not horrible all of the time. I guess that is all part of it though, right? My guilt stems from a) she is dying and I must be a shit-tactic daughter to cut her off, and b) once again, my sister will be left to deal with it.

I had to go back to therapy when N dad's health was failing, for the guilt, for acceptance of the reality of the situation, to prevent myself from 'helping,' and for help thinking things through and not behaving in automatic ways. So much gratitude for my therapist!

A therapist may also be able to help you find ways to support your sister without having to interact with your mom.