holding boys back?

[Anonymous]

I'll pile on and agree that I find the redshirting trend -- in cases where there is not a clear intellectual/behavioral reason for it -- to be distasteful. Someone's child has to be the youngest/smallest. I think the 21:00 PP put it best -- this is much more about overbearing parents than actual educational benefit.

I'll note here that I have a small boy (as in 5%ile small) with an October birthday. I live in the District and was actually excited that it was one of the few places in the country that still used the calendar year to determine age eligibility; I was already to send him to school just shy of his 5th birthday. But the District has switched to a 9/30 cut-off, so he'll now be among the oldest in his class -- and not starting school until nearly 6. He'll probably still be among the smallest in his class, though, and there's nothing I can do about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that perhaps it's worth exploring overbearing, overanalysing, overobsessive mothers as a variable for boys who are not "emotionally ready" for kindergarten.

Does this add to the quality of this discussion? Why must we always "go there" when someone chooses a different path? Folks on this forum are so judgmental. How can you possibly know all the variables that went into a parent's decision to delay kindergarten? Why not give parents the benefit of the doubt (especially when it comes to raising THEIR...not your...children)? Trust that most are doing the best they can, and in what they believe is in the best interest of THEIR child. Do whatever you want with your child.

[Anonymous]

I agree that most people are *trying* to do what they think is best for their children, but that doesn't mean that they *are* doing what's best for their children or that what they're doing is good for other children. And that's why I think it's worth discussing these choices.

[Anonymous]

op here once again... once again mind you, i would prefer NOT to hold him back and don't even know if i am going to, as i never thought of this until several people have mentioned it to me lately. i looked up some research and it said that children held back can sometimes show behavioral problems when older anyone have this experience with their child? honestly, in the scheme of things, if he is 2 months shy of the late to begin with, say he was born on sept 2nd, are they really saying that all of these bad behavioral problems could occur over a mere two months? we'll see. his teachers in nursery say he is doing great and is one of the best talkers in the class and he is more athletic than his older cousin. he doesn't have any behavioral problems. therefore, i would prefer to not hold him back and just proceed forward. however i have been told that the youngest in many classes at the schools we are applying to are april birthdays, with many being 6 when they begin kindergarten. i don't think my child is immature or has behavioral problems, but i don't want him to be 14-16 months younger than all of the other boys in his class. that is my question. the reason for my original post honestly was to find out if this is really the norm or the exception. i read that nationwide about 9% are holding back, but i have heard it is mucher higher in dc. how can i find out the age of children that may be in his class before accepting to a school? is this even possible? what are you all finding as a trend in private schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that most people are *trying* to do what they think is best for their children, but that doesn't mean that they *are* doing what's best for their children or that what they're doing is good for other children. And that's why I think it's worth discussing these choices.

Parenting is quite experimental. What works for one child, even within the same family, may not work for the next. There are not always concrete right and wrong choices, and hindsight is 20/20. You're not going to know if such choices are best for your child until much later in life. Even then, you may not know for sure if one factor versus another more strongly influenced the outcome. Progressing a child "on time" doesn't necessarily mean that you *are* doing what's best for the child either. In terms of what's good for other children, well that just can't be a driving force in deciding what's best for your child.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I'd ever hold my June baby boy back--ever. My BIL was held back at age 5 and it had a tangible, lasting effect on his educational experience--and his personality. Essentially, his self-esteem suffered and continues to suffer at the perception that he was not "ready." He uses this--believe it or not--to make excuses for bad behavior--even today, at age 25. Seriously, I know. It's sad.

I feel like kids live up to our expectations. I can see this in my toddler already. Never say never, I know...but I'm pretty confident I'd never start him at kindergarten at age 6, even if he were a little emotionally immature.

And I understand that everyone should do what is best for their children, but this practice does indeed affect other children. It is this attitude of doing what's "best" for you under any circumstance--without sensitivity or regard to the needs of the larger group or community--that I find disturbing. I'm hoping that for my child's success will not come at the expense of the success or comfort of others.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough subject for me, because my son has a September birthday (we're in Fairfax, where the cut-off is 9/30). So, I can send him "on-time" when he is almost 5... and he will certainly be THE youngest in the class. I don't care that he's the youngest... but I DO worry about him having classmates (and being compared to kids) who are 16-18 months older than he is. That's a HUGE gap at 5... and its still a noticeable gap at 16.

I really hope that the school systems will crack down on this, and force parents to apply to hold their kid back. Its one thing if you have a kid who really isn't ready... but I think most parents do this just to give their kid an advantage. Based on what I've heard, I feel almost compelled to hold him back just to give him a fair shake. That's a shame (and I'm not saying I'm going to do it).

There have been studies that show that the age gap has big repurcussions on kids even down the road. As teenagers, the younger kids in the class are more likely to get into drugs/trouble/etc. That's scary to me.

When I think about my own son, he's small, and not athletically gifted. He's smart, but a little socially behind. I have heard from so many parents/educators (who don't even know him) that I should definitely hold him back.

The problem is, I don't think anyone is looking out for the "system" or the "children". Parents can only be expected to do what they think is best for their individual child... but that doesn't mean the educators should permit it. I think its getting out of hand, and the school systems need to stop it.

[Anonymous]

I don't like this trend either, and its primarily because, if a third of the boys in a class are older, that means that the girls are that much younger than a good part of the boy population of the class. That means the girls are going to be shyer, less able to do similar quality work, be it counting, drawing or other early school skills, and will be much more likely to have low self esteem as they grow up since they will be even more likely to be at the lower end of the performance spectrum compared to these older boys in the same class. I'm glad to see people concerned about their boys, but the trend seems to prop up boys at the expense of girls.

[Anonymous]

Would parents feel differently about this if the cutoff dates were moved up to, say, May 1st? Would people still hold their March and April kids back? I'm not sure I fully understand what the purpose of this trend is. Instead of having a group of kids in each class with birthdays somewhat evenly dispersed, over a 12 month span, we now have kids clumped in the oldest group, with some kids evenly dipseresed in the middle range, and a few stragglers at the younger section of the age span - a span which instead of being 12 months is now typically 16 months.

Are the schools prepared to teach to this wider age and developmental span in their classrooms? And, if not, will your held back, oldest kids be benefiting from this watered down curriculum?

This trend is so common now that the children who truly would benefit from being held back (late summer birthday, small stature, average academic ability or lower) are actually being hurt by it. Now, they are held back with children who have no risk factors for failure in school other than having a June, July, or August birthday. I know children with excellent test scores, very tall family stature, and the decision to hold them back came not long after their birth. These children now tower over their peers physically and will, no doubt, be bored academically.

[Anonymous]

Although there is a lot of talk about whether to hold kids back, and some parents choose to do so, I don't know how many of them really end up doing so. I sent my son with a July birthday on time, and I will be sending his brother (another July guy) on time this fall. He has male classmates who are his age or younger, so we weren't the only ones who chose not to red shirt. He also has some classmates who are older than he is, but in those cases, the kids are spring babies with discipline problems. I'm sure someone is going to say "A ha! Holding them back caused the problems!" but I don't think that it. From what I've seen, these are just kids with self-control issues, and the problems they're having now would have been even worse if they'd gone to school a year earlier.

A lot depends on the school you'll be sending your kids to -- we're in Arlington, which seems to have a better understanding of what a five-year-old can reasonably be expected to do than some other districts (I'm working on anecdotes here, but Fairfax seems to have higher/less age-appropriate standards), and that has to come into play, too.

For me, the tipping point will always be social/emotional maturity; I think academic ability shifts so much in the first few years that it's silly to worry about your five-year-old's reading and math skills. But a kid that can't sit still long enough to complete a task or can't work out conflicts without bringing a grownup into it is going to be unhappy all day long.

[Anonymous]

A pp said: "If this area continues this way- everyone will be 21 by the time they go to college."

As someone who taught college classes in grad school, I'm not sure that this would be such a bad thing for most kids!

All the same, my boy was born in July. Although we have a couple of years to decide, I'm almost certain he'll start kindergarten at age 5. Then, if necessary, he can take a "gap year" before starting college.

[Anonymous]

On the opposite note, what about pushing ahead for girls? Our daughter's birthday is mid-September and I am already thinking about what I will have to do to push her ahead. She is on the high end of the growth charts and it just seems to make sense to me. She is already a head taller than most children her age and I would hate for her also to be over a year older than most of her grade. Does anyone know if pushing ahead is hard to do and about social/ educational ramifications? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

"I really hope that the school systems will crack down on this, and force parents to apply to hold their kid back."

I pulled the following from the MCPS website:

According to Maryland law (7-301: Compulsory Attendance), every child between the ages of 5 and 16 must attend school. All children who will be 5 years old by September 1 of any given year must attend school in either a licensed private or public school Kindergarten that year. Maryland recognizes home instruction as an alternative to public school enrollment as a means of meeting the compulsory school attendance law (more on home schooling).

For kindergarten-eligible students, state law allows for three exceptions to the attendance requirement: for immaturity; for attendance in a licensed child-care center; or for attendance in a registered family day-care home. Parents or guardians who want an exemption to the law for their kindergarten-elibigle child must complete MCPS Form 560-19, Exemption to Kindergarten Attendance at their local school prior to the first day of school. Questions about this process should be directed to the local school or to the Division of Early Childhood Programs and Services at 301-230-0691.

Note: Form 560-19 must be signed by the principal of the school that the child would have attended. Also, at the end of the school year, the licensed child care center must complete a statement indicating that the child was enrolled and must list the number of days that the child was in attendance at the program.



A parent or guardian who chooses to teach a child at home must initially complete an MCPS Assurance of Consent Form. The form must be submitted to the above address at least 15 days before the beginning of a home schooling program. Each year thereafter, a parent or guardian needs to verify the continuation of home schooling and notify the Department of Student Services or their supervising nonpublic institution if there is a change in home schooling status during the school year.


Whether there is actually enforcement of this law, I can't say. But, my son's preK program would not accept him this year until I had completed this form and had it signed by the principal of his home elementary school. Just my experience.

[Anonymous]

I am concerned about my skinny petite 5 yr old daughter being with large or extra large redshirted boys in K. If you hold back, ask your sons to take it easy on the young ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that everyone should do what is best for their children, but this practice does indeed affect other children. It is this attitude of doing what's "best" for you under any circumstance--without sensitivity or regard to the needs of the larger group or community--that I find disturbing. I'm hoping that for my child's success will not come at the expense of the success or comfort of others.

Thank you!