Did anyone abandon/divorce their partner after cancer or caring after a bad situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think by nature many men are just not cut out to be caregivers. They are used to being cared for by their mothers, then their wives.

I know a girl I went to college with, she got Stage IV lung cancer (non-smoker by the way) and shortly after she started chemo treatments and her hair began falling out, her husband left her. They were married for 17 1/2 yrs. so this shocked all of our friends. They had two kids, but the kids were already older teens.

She eventually died, but had the good sense to initialize a divorce from the rat prior to her death.

I think men are wired to be bread-winners and providers, but not so much as domestic caregivers.

That being said, dumping your (almost certainly near death) Stage IV lung cancer spouse seems awfully cold. I wonder what his excuse was, or if he even bothered to have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Opposite situation here. I left and I am the sick person. Our relationship was pretty bad. Then I got sick and it got worse. I think it's possible my illness caused us both to change. I was more dependent. He was more angry. We were both frustrated at the futility of what was happening. He wanted me to do more, try more, when I was realizing how little control I had over it and needed to learn acceptance. And really needed help and care and loving support.

So I guess what I'm saying is having a major health problem can cause problems in a relationship. Everyone says "in sickness and in health" but most people see that as tottering around together in their seventies, not having to help someone in their thirties walk to the bathroom.

Also, it changes you, the sick person, in huge ways. It's a paradigm shift like becoming a parent. So when your personality and your outlook changes to such an extent, it's not surprising that your relationships will change too.

This is me. I keep wondering why I am staying in a crappy marriage; why I should live out my last couple years like this. He is very devoted and says that he wants to take care of me. I don't love him and find him very difficult to have around. What to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think by nature many men are just not cut out to be caregivers. They are used to being cared for by their mothers, then their wives.

I know a girl I went to college with, she got Stage IV lung cancer (non-smoker by the way) and shortly after she started chemo treatments and her hair began falling out, her husband left her. They were married for 17 1/2 yrs. so this shocked all of our friends. They had two kids, but the kids were already older teens.

She eventually died, but had the good sense to initialize a divorce from the rat prior to her death.

This sounds ..... Scarring for the children. Their dad abandons the family and they lose their mom? Makes me want to cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed with my husband who had terminal cancer - diagnosed during the fallout of discovering that he picked up girls, strippers, had affairs during the time he travelled for business.

I stayed.

He lived for three more years. He said if he had known we could be such good friends, he would have never done the things he did and he would have invested time at home.

We planned his illness well, rented a hospital bed at home, involved hospice when the time was right.

The last words he heard me say were "I love you." He replied " I know" and he died twenty minutes later.

I wouldn't have done anything different.

So sorry for your loss. What a comfort you must have been to your husband, though. I hope you're doing okay now.

[Anonymous]

OP this has been studied. Apparently men are more likely to abandon wives with serious illness than vice versa. I hope you both get all the support you need.