Rant about childless family members

[Anonymous]

It's your life, OP. You chose to have these children, and you can't expect young childless adults to understand what they need. Let it go.

I would never expect other people to give me a hand with the nitty-gritty, and I don't mind being the bad cop.

Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you. The only way they would understand if they actually took care of your kids for extended time, like a weekend but I doubt that you'd be willing to go that far to let someone else understand so, yes, your options are to set ground rules and communicate them clearly, which I assume you already are doing and that's it. One day they'll have small kids and will understand and then yours would already be older and it will be you staying later and doing fun stuff while they are figuring the logistics and bed times.

as much as you try to explain, they will just not get it until it is their own kids they are dealing with or until they take care really of a child (not play with them for 2-3 hours here and there).

[Anonymous]

Hey, at least they aren't telling you that you are doing it all wrong. That's what I get from my 10 years younger sister. She is a perfect parent with a lot of advice...and no children.

[Anonymous]

You sound very difficult and want life to revolve around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family members sound kind of stupid, honestly. I'm childfree, and I completely get how much harder everything is with a kid. I go to see my friends with kids 95% of the time (and I usually bring takeout). i let them choose the best times to get together, and I'm fine with it being pretty rare.

I mean, really - there are multiple people in your family who don't understand you can't leave sleeping children home alone? Maybe you just have a particularly irresponsible family?? Because this seems beyond being childless and more like being clueless to the entire world around them.

That said, your complaints about them not sticking around to help with the hard stuff... well, yeah, that's the benefit of not having kids. I don't think they should be expected to. Part of your post is about stupid expectations from your family without kids (totally understandable), but part of your post reads -to me- like a whine about why people aren't giving you special accommodation now that you're a MOMMYYYYY (Why shouldn't you be expected to equally participate in family events/gifts?).

+ a million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let me preface this by saying that I know this really is not a big deal and I know I'm being kind of a jerk. I have 2 young kids, am a sahm, and dh works long hours. All my siblings and cousins do not have kids (yet) and I love them and I know I'm lucky that my kids have them, because they are the fun aunties and uncles who buy them treats and do fun stuff with them.

However, I am really starting to get tired of the huge disconnect I have with them- they just really have no idea, no clue, about real day to day life with kids and I'm tired of always being the designated party pooper. I know they can't help it, I was equally clueless before kids.

I am the one who always has to be the bad guy with them, like no, you can't keep my kid up for 3 hours past her bedtime, no you can't feed her candy and sweets all day. No you can't keep bribing my kid to get her to listen. And when it comes to giving a hand with basic routine stuff like making sure they eat their meals, go potty, wash hands, clean up their toys after playing, changing diapers, etc, they go missing.

They always want me to visit or "stop by" with the kids, and they live out of state, and they have no idea how much harder it is to travel with the kids than it is for them without kids. They always want to hang out in the evenings late into the night, the time I usually spend trying to get 100 things done between prepping dinner, getting kids ready for bed, and doing bedtime routines.

They are always saying stuff about my kids, like how they are too into their routine/schedule. They don't understand why I can't just let the kids stay up late as they want and hang out and just let them fall asleep watching tv.

They want to do vacations and trips with me and the kids, but have no idea what that entails with 2 kids, and non-family-friendly excursions. They don't know why it's not ok to just leave the kids alone in the house after they go to bed, while I go out to hang out with them. They expect equal participation from me with planning family stuff, getting gifts, etc, and don't seem to understand or care that I just don't have time to do it all while taking care of a 3yo and an infant. They think that since I'm not working, I'm just hanging out at home all day with all this free time on my hands.

I'm tired of it! I wish they'd just hurry up and have kids so they finally get it!!

I'm also a CF who agrees with the other CF poster saying that your family members sound like idiots. Please, for the love of all that is good...make sure they DON'T have kids, because they sound too stupid to "get it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family members sound kind of stupid, honestly. I'm childfree, and I completely get how much harder everything is with a kid. I go to see my friends with kids 95% of the time (and I usually bring takeout). i let them choose the best times to get together, and I'm fine with it being pretty rare.

I mean, really - there are multiple people in your family who don't understand you can't leave sleeping children home alone? Maybe you just have a particularly irresponsible family?? Because this seems beyond being childless and more like being clueless to the entire world around them.

That said, your complaints about them not sticking around to help with the hard stuff... well, yeah, that's the benefit of not having kids. I don't think they should be expected to. Part of your post is about stupid expectations from your family without kids (totally understandable), but part of your post reads -to me- like a whine about why people aren't giving you special accommodation now that you're a MOMMYYYYY (Why shouldn't you be expected to equally participate in family events/gifts?).

I'm the oldest, so I've had to take on the role of the responsible one. It kind of sucks. I'm always the one at family gatherings helping out our parents with dishes, cooking, cleaning up, while the other siblings and cousins have fun. It's hard for me to see other older people working hard or struggling and just sit back and relax myself. It kind of creates a distance between me and my siblings/cousins, which I resent, but I think that's just part of being the oldest.

And it was a male sibling who thought I could leave a sleeping child at home. Not to excuse it, but guys really, really don't get it, especially before kids. DH was the same.

And yes, I know, I get the part where it's not their responsibility to help with the not-fun stuff with the kids. That's why I avoid asking, most of the time, and generally just try to include them in the fun stuff.

I also get that they are my kids, my responsibility - but at the same time, it just aggravates me that at a family dinner table of 8 people, not one offers to help out one mom who is clearly running around the entire time getting food for the kids, changing diapers, feeding the baby, taking the older child to the potty, cutting up food, cleaning up after them. And then, I am pressured to bring the kids out after dinner to "do something fun" and made fun of as having a pole up my butt for not wanting to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you.

People getting annoyed by naps and bedtimes is very tiring.

Thanks. They are stupefied by the fact our infant goes to bed at 7 and our older goes to bed at 8. My siblings and cousins, we all grew up with no real schedule or naps. According to our parents, we stopped napping after age 1, and we went to bed the same time the adults did, around 9 or 10. Kind of the same deal with my inlaws to some extent.

It does sometimes make me wonder if kids will eventually adjust to getting less sleep??

There are cultures in which kids socialize with the adults until 11pm. But that's not for me. I like sex and I like breaking bad.

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep OP, it's frustrating. My sister (who I love and am super close with, but doesn't have kids) called me at 8a the other day to chat. I was making Bfast for my 3 yo, had an out of town guest that I was entertaining, and had "Sophia the First" on in the background. After a moment or two of chatting she said, huffily, "you sound really busy. Should I call you later?". She doesn't get that I can't just take the pancakes off the stove, go in my room and close the door and talk to her.

To be fair to her, I was the queen of "not getting it" before I had DD. People just don't know until they get there themselves. It's lonely having to hold your boundaries without a lot of support but sometimes you gotta do it.

Yup, I didn't get it before either. So I'm not judging everyone else for not getting it, I'm just venting frustration about the situation, and that yes, right now, I do feel a bit alone in my life stage, at least within my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your family members sound kind of stupid, honestly. I'm childfree, and I completely get how much harder everything is with a kid. I go to see my friends with kids 95% of the time (and I usually bring takeout). i let them choose the best times to get together, and I'm fine with it being pretty rare.

I mean, really - there are multiple people in your family who don't understand you can't leave sleeping children home alone? Maybe you just have a particularly irresponsible family?? Because this seems beyond being childless and more like being clueless to the entire world around them.

That said, your complaints about them not sticking around to help with the hard stuff... well, yeah, that's the benefit of not having kids. I don't think they should be expected to. Part of your post is about stupid expectations from your family without kids (totally understandable), but part of your post reads -to me- like a whine about why people aren't giving you special accommodation now that you're a MOMMYYYYY (Why shouldn't you be expected to equally participate in family events/gifts?).

+1

Sorry, OP, but I can't see how you're not making a mountain out of a molehill here. These people live out of state? How could this really be such a daily trial for you? Are you sure you're not expecting them to line up to fawn over you and your kids?

Yes, I'm well aware I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm actually very grateful my kids get to have the fun aunties and uncles. And no, it is not a daily trial. However, it is still frustrating and exhausting during the times I do visit them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people not getting the sleep schedule is annoying. I also sometimes wish that the doting family would also step in and help when it's time to do the dirty work, though I don't expect them to. In that, have you asked "hey, can you help 3 year old get hands washed?" Or do you just hope they offer? If you need help, just ask!

I do think you can leave your kids asleep in the room once they are asleep--just bring a baby monitor! If you're worried about 3 year old falling out of bed, stuff rolled up towels under the fitted sheet on each end. Works great.

The bottom line is that you're in a difficult stage right now. It WILL get easier and you will be able to loosen up. You may even look back and think that you could have adjusted your rules a bit, but couldn't see that. But your family doesn't get it, so just be patient with them and stick to what is important to you, bend a little on what isn't, and know that this won't be forever.

That's a good point, that this is a temporary stage, with an infant who is obviously a lot to handle on top of a 3yo!

I have no problem leaving kids asleep in the room if I'm in the house. They asked me why I couldn't leave the house for a couple hours while they were sleeping.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are those relatives without kids. We want to have kids, but we are in our late 20s, I'm finishing up grad school and he is in a low paying job to pay his dues in his field so we are in no particular rush to start in the very near future without more financial stability. A few things you said sound totally stupid--how can you leave a child at home when they are sleeping???? Even if they are a guy, I don't think my DH would ever imagine that this is something that is acceptable.

But helping with the hard stuff? I have on occasion babysat a friend's or relative's kids and got my hands dirty with the "hard stuff" (diaper changes, feeding, soothing a crying baby, potty trips, trying to get a toddler to eat and then cleaning up the disaster on the floor, etc.) when they are in a real pinch and their childcare falls through, but absent that kind of situation I don't have my own kids--that's on you! That's the great part about being childfree fun aunt. You get to deal with the fun, cute aspects of kids and when they start turning into little shits you hand them back to their parents. I especially feel this way if I only get to see them very rarely, like once or twice a year and I'm coming from out of town.

As far as bedtime and naps go, different relatives of mine have totally different philosophies on this. I'm not pressuring them either way, because different kids, different parents, different needs, etc. But I will say, that my SIL (since we see the kids very rarely because we live in different states) on special occasions will let her kids stay up as late as they want to--even as toddlers. This is not an everyday thing and usually it is a holiday, like New Years. So while kids like their routine and different kids have different degrees of meltdown when it is disturbed, when you only see the kids very occasionally, sometimes it is nice to bend the rules to have a fun time with their aunt and/or uncle. If I stayed at my SIL's house for a week I would never expect this to happen each day I was there.

Finally, everyone has shit going on in their life, and it gets old to hear excuses about why you cannot equally participate in family events and gifts. Whether it's kids, having a demanding job, money problems, health problems, whatever, we all have stuff to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't your husband helping out at these big dinners where you are the "one mom running around"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, at least they aren't telling you that you are doing it all wrong. That's what I get from my 10 years younger sister. She is a perfect parent with a lot of advice...and no children.

Sounds like my older never married, child free sister. Lots of unsolicited marriage and parenting advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people not getting the sleep schedule is annoying. I also sometimes wish that the doting family would also step in and help when it's time to do the dirty work, though I don't expect them to. In that, have you asked "hey, can you help 3 year old get hands washed?" Or do you just hope they offer? If you need help, just ask!

I do think you can leave your kids asleep in the room once they are asleep--just bring a baby monitor! If you're worried about 3 year old falling out of bed, stuff rolled up towels under the fitted sheet on each end. Works great.

The bottom line is that you're in a difficult stage right now. It WILL get easier and you will be able to loosen up. You may even look back and think that you could have adjusted your rules a bit, but couldn't see that. But your family doesn't get it, so just be patient with them and stick to what is important to you, bend a little on what isn't, and know that this won't be forever.

That's a good point, that this is a temporary stage, with an infant who is obviously a lot to handle on top of a 3yo!

I have no problem leaving kids asleep in the room if I'm in the house. They asked me why I couldn't leave the house for a couple hours while they were sleeping.

That's a whole different story. Yikes.