saying "thank you" in India
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| When I first got together with my husband, who is from India, he told me that when I said thanks to him it made him feel distanced and more formal/less intimate. He said in his family nobody ever needed to say thanks. Maybe it depends on the region in India? |
Anonymous
Yes, my south Indian husband said the same thing . |
Anonymous
This is very much like my Indian family (North). Since I grew up here, I'm accustomed to saying thank you but often get chided for doing so with very close family members. It's okay with my more distant relatives that I'm not as close with and obviously with strangers. It's just not done with close family because you are to understand that they are doing something for you simply because they love you, not because they want to be formally recognized for it. Giving without receiving type of mentality. There isn't even a word for "your welcome". You return that gift of love by being there for that person. Saying thank you is more formal, my relatives always say "there are no formalities with family". |
Anonymous
|
I wanted to add that my MIL and I started our relationship rather cold, and there were plenty of thank you'd thrown around. Over the years we've become close and we no longer feel the need to say thank you for things anymore. The love is there.
So I'd say your MIL is probably rather fond of you and loves you like a daughter. A mother would have no need to say thank you to a daughter. And vice versa. |
Anonymous
| On the IPad, please excuse the typos in my last 2 post! |
Anonymous
+1. And I must note from the perspective of this particular female American that most don't ACT particularly grateful toward the person in the house who does the most work (my mother-in-law, or one of her brother's wives, depending on who is around). They also never say "I love you" to each other. My sense is that these may not be regional differences so much as differences of class, because I lived in northern India in college and heard the same explanation. Maybe this is more common among families in which the older generation is not fluent in English and who are not in the upper- or upper-middle classes? |
Anonymous
|
My Vietnamese in-laws see things this way, too. It is expected that family and close friends are obligated to automatically give to and do for each other in every way they can, and to say thank you is distancing, and so feels a bit absurd and offensive to them.
I'm all about feeling and showing gratitude for everything and everyone, so between us we've both come to see a bit of each other's points of view, which is good for both. |
Anonymous
|
When I visited DW's family in Delhi, I asked about this. DW, MIL, and FIL thought a long time before suggesting Shukriyaa, but didn't seem entirely comfortable with the solution. I stuck with that, and got the feeling I was beint stiff and formal with people all the time.
I also asked how to say "excuse me," and after some thought they told me the concept doesn't really exist. |
Anonymous
|
[quote=Anonymous]http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/06/thank-you-culture-india-america/395069/
"In India, people—especially when they are your elders, relatives, or close friends—tend to feel that by thanking them, you’re violating your intimacy with them and creating formality and distance that shouldn’t exist. They may think that you’re closing off the possibility of relying on each other in the future. Saying dhanyavaad to strangers helps initiate a cycle of exchange and familiarity. But with family and friends, dhanyavaad can instead chill relations because you are already intimate and in a cycle of exchange." Could any Indians comment -- do you find this article's description to be true? I noticed my Indian MIL almost never says thank you to me. [/quote] : It seems the answers saying -yes, we do say thank you now & then : must be from younger generation, urban. Those who are elderly and particularly from small city background, vernacular education etc. will take it for granted that this is never mentioned. Besides, your MIL ? Remember, we all have our specific 'role set' and hence she will not , obviously! |
Anonymous
|
Indian American here. I think the article is largely accurate, but people know Thanks is an American/Western thing so you won't offend anyone by saying it. In India people will say the English word "Thanks" mixed with their own Indian language.
The way my uncle in India explained it to me is that for family no thanks is needed because we are family. |
Anonymous
|
Indian American here with North Indian heritage married to a South Indian.
In both of our families, yes it would be distancing to say thank you with close family and close friends. Love is there and felt. We thank with our actions and in being there and doing for each other. With regular friends, acquaintances, coworkers, strangers- yes absolutely a verbal thank you (and/or thank you note since being in this country). |
Anonymous
| Indian American here married to a Caucasian American. My mom hates it when my kids thank her for dinner or for a gift. She definitely ascribes to the feeling that it is not appropriate from family. She definitely thanks strangers and native Americans. |
Anonymous
|
South Indian here, married to a South Indian and moved to the US about 20 years ago.
Gosh, I don't know...we says thanks a lot and we also say "I love you" a lot. I am trying to think back to the time when I was living closer to aunts and uncles. Their response to my thanks would be " why thanks etc. Won't I do even this much for you?". But, it was always said in a loving manner and they were clearly pleased that I thanked them. Of course like the previous posters mentioned the thank you always accompanied hugs and my gratitude in other ways. |