For those of you who are not close to their biological family....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you from time to time feel lonely and heartbroken because you see how close other families are? I'm not close with my family because I was sexual abused by a babysitter as a child and my parents demanded that I never spoke of it again when I told them about it. I was hurt and very confused and even now as an adult, I want nothing to do with them. A lot of my immediate family just sees me as the woman who doesn't talk to her family because I've never really explained my side to anyone. My parents know why but they guilt me a lot of times and still to this day demand that it never happened and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them. I have put myself through therapy and I'm okay for the most party but I do break down and cry from time to time because I wish I had the closeness of a family.

Why not approach them as an adult. People and times change. Also explain your side to your extended family. If you want closeness, if you want healing, if you want to stop feeling lonely and heartbroken its up to you to seek it. If they still feel the same, nothing will have changed and you can move forward - if they don't well then, there is your chance for a more meaningful relationship.

Life is the longest thing you will ever do, don't spend it miserable.

I have approached them and every time, I am wronged. I'm wronged for telling anyone about it, I'm wronged for getting help...nothing I can do is right. The one time that my mother did acknowledge that it happened, she told me they I needed to accept they the babysitting was "experimenting". I'm sure that my siblings know what happened but I have never talked to them in depth about what happened out of fear of what my parents would say, now that I'm an adult, I feel like it's a lost cause because I never talked to them (siblings) about it ever. I've never told my aunts, uncles, or grandparents for the same reason, I was never allowed to speak of it. I can't explain the hurt that I've felt, most of my family just thinks I'm too good for them when I have good reasons and my parents lead them to believe just that just to save their reputation.

Do you need them to acknowledge this every time you see them? I only ask because sometimes in life we just need to accept things and go on with life. Talk to your siblings, aunts and uncles, your grandparents. You are an adult now, you can speak of whatever you want.

And remember, its not who brings you into this world but who loves you while you are here - so if they are truly a lost cause, surround yourself with a family of your own making.

Nope, I just need them to be my parents. But I almost feel like they feel like they let me down a long time ago (which they did) so everything else is beyond repair (which is false). I don't hold them responsible for what happened but I'm forever hurt because they wouldn't speak a word of it after it happened so I had to deal with it my entire life, alone. It happened when I was five, I needed them.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad about my family, but don't think about them very much now that I understand and have perspective on the dysfunctional dynamics.

If you're not in therapy now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a therapist you feel comfortable working with and start therapy.

I promise you - once you're able to gain genuine perspective on your family dynamics, they won't affect you the way it does now. Know that it takes a lot of very hard work to achieve that perspective.

I agree. I rarely think about them any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have approached them and every time, I am wronged. I'm wronged for telling anyone about it, I'm wronged for getting help...nothing I can do is right. The one time that my mother did acknowledge that it happened, she told me they I needed to accept they the babysitting was "experimenting". I'm sure that my siblings know what happened but I have never talked to them in depth about what happened out of fear of what my parents would say, now that I'm an adult, I feel like it's a lost cause because I never talked to them (siblings) about it ever. I've never told my aunts, uncles, or grandparents for the same reason, I was never allowed to speak of it. I can't explain the hurt that I've felt, most of my family just thinks I'm too good for them when I have good reasons and my parents lead them to believe just that just to save their reputation.

Why are you giving them all this power??? YOU decide who to tell, what to tell, and when. YOU hold the power, not them. And since you are so powerful, I suggest you use it wisely and sparingly. It will definitely cause a huge eruption if you begin to talk about it, but I think it will bring you closure - from a therapeutic standpoint it can bring you peace. If you stay calm and dignified about relating the bare bones of your experiences, people will trust you. Don't concern yourself at all with what your parents will say and do. You know they will try to sabotage you. To be more believable than they are, don't criticize them in any way - actually don't talk about them at all. You will appear to be the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had a close, large extended family. I have parents and a sister, but I am not close with them due to one of my family's mental illness and how everyone reacts to it. Growing up around someone who has borderline personality disorder was really difficult for me and shaped a lot of how I deal with life and other people, and not in a good way (I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc.). I simply cannot be close with them, and I wish I had a great family where we went on family vacations, hung out, experienced life together, but it's not to be. I am married with children but it doesn't ease that feeling of loss for me.

[Anonymous]

Not close for many reasons.
What I feel like I miss out on is the vacations - most of my friends rent big homes on the beach and meet with their family. Lots of cousins playing on the beach... And my kids don't have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not close for many reasons.
What I feel like I miss out on is the vacations - most of my friends rent big homes on the beach and meet with their family. Lots of cousins playing on the beach... And my kids don't have that.

Yes. It affects my life on many levels.

I am lonely, sad, scared more often than I would like to admit, and during those times I really wish for a close-knit family, but I've had to accept that this will never be. Most days are totally fine, but there are still times that I ache over it. When I see others with great family relations I feel wistful and abnormal, and I spent a lot of years being embarrassed that at holidays I never had family plans, I never have stories of family coming in town to visit...

I also miss it especially for my DD, as PP's quote notes.

But I've learned to accept that this is how it is. It's just a fact of my life, and more people than you think live this way. I think it's the human condition that we always long for what we don't have.

C'est la vie, literally.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain, OP. I do. However, I know that I could *never* have a close, healthy, functional relationship with my parents (and, unfortunately, most of my other family members by extension) and have to accept it. I take good care of myself and my own family (husband and kids) and cultivate relationships with older adults and old (and new) friends. There's no substitute for family, but you can create deep connections in your life with the people you have there now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not close for many reasons.
What I feel like I miss out on is the vacations - most of my friends rent big homes on the beach and meet with their family. Lots of cousins playing on the beach... And my kids don't have that.

Huh, I do that with friends all the time.

[Anonymous]

Op, why do they refuse to speak of it? I know some parents can be cold. Well most parents are cold or strict or dont show affection easy but what happened to you at just 5 and to be told that babysitter was experimenting that is just downright cruel not to mention its child abuse. Didnt your counselor ever tell u to report it? I do think you should seek out a family member you can confide in but not your parents. Any parent who does that to their baby is just evil.

[Anonymous]

Your parents suck. Tell your side to the others. Check with your therapist first. No need to lose all your family because two suck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much guys, your positive words helped. Can we all just be each other families and tell everyone else to suck off?

To the ones who keep telling me that I should tell my side to everyone, I've been bad mouthed for so long, it doesn't matter. I think my parents have spent so much time putting me down to others so if/when I did speak out, everyone would think I was lying. I say (most of the time) screw the ones that believe the lies...no one has ever once came to me and asked me what happened, they all just took my parent's side. I am lucky to have grandparents that love me dearly and a few aunts and uncles that seem to not care about what they've been told. I such be thankful for what I do have and most of the time I am, but I do get super sad from time to time.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad about the family that I wish I had, but I refuse to have anything to do with the sad, evil psychopaths that I once called parents. They are in my past now and they are going to stay there.

[Anonymous]

By the way, telling your side to other people is a waste of your time. It make you relive what happened and then invites them to cast judgment and determine if your reasons are valid enough. No one beyond you is qualified to decide if your reasons for cutting off your abusive parents are valid. Anyone in my life who lacks the gumption to realize that a child will only cut off her parents only under extreme circumstances is not welcome in my life. I refuse to try to my personal pain for other people's entertainment, evaluation, or "understanding."

[Anonymous]

^^pp here. Meant to write that "I refuse to trot out" not "try to".