Tween daughter's attitude has become just horrible. Is this typical?

[Anonymous]

Oh, it's not just girls. My 12 yo DS sounds exactly like OP's DD. I'm a woman of immense patience but he has pushed me to my limit.

[Anonymous]

Girls will be girls.

[Anonymous]

I have boys, but my eldest has moments like this and my tween is getting there. Hopefully, it's a passing phase like acne?

[Anonymous]

Well if it makes you feel better, I was the BIGGEST bitch to my family in high school. It obviously passed and I continue to have as close as a relationship one could with my parents and siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm not hearing is, why? Why do tween/teen girls become so unpleasant?

hormones

I think it's more than hormones. The expectations of middle school are increased; the social dynamics shift--rocking their confidence; they become more concerned about their bodies and appearance and boys; they have less adult supervision much of the time at this age so peers model poor behavior. But mostly, I think the stress of "it all" pours out when they are safe at home. To some degree we want to be that safe place and let them vent a bit, but you also have to set limits and enforce appropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm not hearing is, why? Why do tween/teen girls become so unpleasant?

hormones

I think it's more than hormones. The expectations of middle school are increased; the social dynamics shift--rocking their confidence; they become more concerned about their bodies and appearance and boys; they have less adult supervision much of the time at this age so peers model poor behavior. But mostly, I think the stress of "it all" pours out when they are safe at home. To some degree we want to be that safe place and let them vent a bit, but you also have to set limits and enforce appropriate behavior.

That is basically what I was going to say as well. They can feel more confident letting loose at home - but it's still okay to call them out on it. They need to know it's not appropriate while at the same time saying you understand why they feel they way they do.

Never underestimate the power of being able to send her to another part of the house to cool down and come back when she can be civil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm not hearing is, why? Why do tween/teen girls become so unpleasant?

hormones

For the same reason that elementary and younger boys get so wild and need to run and jump so much. Biology and physiology and DNA.

[Anonymous]

I think kids get cranky when they are going through growth spurts. I recommend a milk shake for some extra calories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm not hearing is, why? Why do tween/teen girls become so unpleasant?

hormones

And the need to differentiate themselves from who they were as kids (and get us to see them as not kids), and to create space. They are just graceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found the book Girls Will be Girls had some very helpful insight about what is going on for girls this age. Yes, my DD (12) also has a lot more nastiness than she did a year ago. Somewhat counter intuitively, I find a little empathy goes a long way in turning her mood around. They seem so big but often feel very needy inside I think. Experiment with a quick "oh you seem like you're having a rough morning, would a hug help?" May not, but it just might . . .

That's what I was like at that age. I was incredibly nasty, but I was usually disarmed by some extra kindness/compassion from my parents. I would also say that it's important to try to keep a clear head and not stoop to her level, even if you're really upset. Don't get baited into the screaming arguments and all of that-- it just confuses kids and makes things worse.

[Anonymous]

Sounds normal! Breathe OP, it does better...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think kids get cranky when they are going through growth spurts. I recommend a milk shake for some extra calories.

Ding-ding-ding! We've got a winner!

My DD gets that way, I feed her, shazam, the nastiness magically goes away!

People, this is a no brainer: the kids are going through an enormous growth spurt at this time in their lives - want the green-headed monster to go away? Feed them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm not hearing is, why? Why do tween/teen girls become so unpleasant?

hormones

I think it's more than hormones. The expectations of middle school are increased; the social dynamics shift--rocking their confidence; they become more concerned about their bodies and appearance and boys; they have less adult supervision much of the time at this age so peers model poor behavior. But mostly, I think the stress of "it all" pours out when they are safe at home. To some degree we want to be that safe place and let them vent a bit, but you also have to set limits and enforce appropriate behavior.

That is basically what I was going to say as well. They can feel more confident letting loose at home - but it's still okay to call them out on it. They need to know it's not appropriate while at the same time saying you understand why they feel they way they do.

Never underestimate her power to refuse to go anywhere to cool off and to just get nastier

It seems to be the natural order of things. Otherwise you'd have ideas to keep them around forever like my friend with sweet 9 & 10 year olds has plans to do (she holds them so tight I feel stifled ).
My teen will be insulting and nasty and then make sure to sweetly call 'bye mom' the next minute when she leaves (and mean it). It's a wild ride
She seems to have a very sensitive threshold for parental stupidity... It helps to not talk at all in front of others so as to not humiliate them (ha)
They are mostly just this way at home - otherwise there'd be no high schools at all as there would be no one willing to work there