Teaching "good touch, bad touch" in the wake of the Oyster-Adams sex abuse case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have something to add/dispute on the fact sheet which is telling kids not to keep secrets they don't feel comfortable with. I have it on good authority that a better policy is "NO secrets". Surprises- ie a present you are going to give someone are ok, but you shouldn't from your child to accept secrets from adults. Make sure family members and caregivers know this and do not say things like: "this cookie will be our little secret". If an adult EVER tells you not to tell mom and dad something- tell immediately. (Obvs most appropriate for the very young child and may need subtlety for the teen).

You shouldn't *groom* your child to accept secrets.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing this. It's definitely tricky to know how to address this issue with your children-but so important. So, it's nice to have some guidance to get you started...

#girlluvs2garden#

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have something to add/dispute on the fact sheet which is telling kids not to keep secrets they don't feel comfortable with. I have it on good authority that a better policy is "NO secrets". Surprises- ie a present you are going to give someone are ok, but you shouldn't from your child to accept secrets from adults. Make sure family members and caregivers know this and do not say things like: "this cookie will be our little secret". If an adult EVER tells you not to tell mom and dad something- tell immediately. (Obvs most appropriate for the very young child and may need subtlety for the teen).

I think it's important to understand how this program is used.

I'm a parent. With my own child, I absolutely emphasize "no secrets, only surprises", and I enforce that language with grandparents and caregivers because I'm mom and thus the boss!

But I'm also a teacher, and in my classroom, I need to walk a much more careful line between advocating for what's ideal and respecting people's right to develop a family culture that works for them.

The reality is that many well meaning non-pedophile families use the word "secret" in various ways. They may tell their kids "Don't tell Grandma about the gift we bought her, it's a secret!" or "Let's take a secret trip to the store to buy mom some flowers, for mother's day." or "Let's put these legos in our secret hiding spot so the baby doesn't find them and choke on them." If I sit down in the classroom and tell kids from families that use language like that that anyone who talks about a "secret" is immediately suspect, or that all "secrets" are bad, then I'm putting the kid in an impossible situation, where they're dealing with conflicting messages. The most likely outcome is that the kid is going to simply decide that I make no sense and stop listening to me. If I'm not the kid's familiar teacher, but I'm a Rape Crisis worker who they met today for the first time, it's even more likely that they'll ignore me if I confuse them.

So, while I agree that "No Secrets" is a great policy for a family to have, it's simply not a reasonable one to include in a Good Touch Bad Touch curriculum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have something to add/dispute on the fact sheet which is telling kids not to keep secrets they don't feel comfortable with. I have it on good authority that a better policy is "NO secrets". Surprises- ie a present you are going to give someone are ok, but you shouldn't from your child to accept secrets from adults. Make sure family members and caregivers know this and do not say things like: "this cookie will be our little secret". If an adult EVER tells you not to tell mom and dad something- tell immediately. (Obvs most appropriate for the very young child and may need subtlety for the teen).

I think it's important to understand how this program is used.

I'm a parent. With my own child, I absolutely emphasize "no secrets, only surprises", and I enforce that language with grandparents and caregivers because I'm mom and thus the boss!

But I'm also a teacher, and in my classroom, I need to walk a much more careful line between advocating for what's ideal and respecting people's right to develop a family culture that works for them.

The reality is that many well meaning non-pedophile families use the word "secret" in various ways. They may tell their kids "Don't tell Grandma about the gift we bought her, it's a secret!" or "Let's take a secret trip to the store to buy mom some flowers, for mother's day." or "Let's put these legos in our secret hiding spot so the baby doesn't find them and choke on them." If I sit down in the classroom and tell kids from families that use language like that that anyone who talks about a "secret" is immediately suspect, or that all "secrets" are bad, then I'm putting the kid in an impossible situation, where they're dealing with conflicting messages. The most likely outcome is that the kid is going to simply decide that I make no sense and stop listening to me. If I'm not the kid's familiar teacher, but I'm a Rape Crisis worker who they met today for the first time, it's even more likely that they'll ignore me if I confuse them.

So, while I agree that "No Secrets" is a great policy for a family to have, it's simply not a reasonable one to include in a Good Touch Bad Touch curriculum.

I'm the pp who posted the no secrets rule, and agree with you! My message was directed to parents so I apologize for mistaking the target of the fact sheet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have something to add/dispute on the fact sheet which is telling kids not to keep secrets they don't feel comfortable with. I have it on good authority that a better policy is "NO secrets". Surprises- ie a present you are going to give someone are ok, but you shouldn't from your child to accept secrets from adults. Make sure family members and caregivers know this and do not say things like: "this cookie will be our little secret". If an adult EVER tells you not to tell mom and dad something- tell immediately. (Obvs most appropriate for the very young child and may need subtlety for the teen).

You shouldn't *groom* your child to accept secrets.

The no secrets strategy is realistic once children are past preschool age. It's more complex as they mature and should be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have something to add/dispute on the fact sheet which is telling kids not to keep secrets they don't feel comfortable with. I have it on good authority that a better policy is "NO secrets". Surprises- ie a present you are going to give someone are ok, but you shouldn't from your child to accept secrets from adults. Make sure family members and caregivers know this and do not say things like: "this cookie will be our little secret". If an adult EVER tells you not to tell mom and dad something- tell immediately. (Obvs most appropriate for the very young child and may need subtlety for the teen).

You shouldn't *groom* your child to accept secrets.

The no secrets strategy is realistic once children are past preschool age. It's more complex as they mature and should be addressed.

*unrealistic

[Anonymous]

Oyster-Adams uses Good Touch/Bad Touch program. Did they miss something? Do teachers get this training too or just kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oyster-Adams uses Good Touch/Bad Touch program. Did they miss something? Do teachers get this training too or just kids?

Perhaps this is where grooming comes into play. Even the smartest nine year old is still only nine years old and can be manipulated, even after being coached to report the bad touching. This is so darn alarming and sad.