MIL/FIL insist on calling son "Daddy's Boy"

[Anonymous]

I understand how stuff like this can be annoying, especially when it's your first child and he's still so young. Sometimes in-laws (& parents) latch on to some perception of your child (& sometimes it's just based on a short visit and not at all representative of how the kid normally behaves). Eg, he's a daddy's boy! She's a girly girl! He's the athletic one! Etc etc. In most cases, the grandparents are just commenting and trying to feel connected to the kid and/or make conversation. It can feel really irritating, but try to laugh it off and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a one-year-old. My inlaws enjoy referring to him as Daddy's boy, saying Daddy is his favorite person etc etc etc, even recently telling me that if I wanted to have better luck capturing video of him walking I should film him while standing next to his father so he had motivation to walk towards me.

I find this incredibly hurtful --- as if to inspire competition or drive a wedge between DH and myself. My family doesn't do this --- I've asked my husband to say something to his parents, and he hasn't. In fact he seems to enjoy perpetuating this image.

I'm trying not to be petty so if that's how this comes across, please flame away --- maybe I need the reality check. Recently returned to work FT so maybe that's why this stings. Not sure how to nip this in the bud.

If it bothers you, have you thought about saying something to them? I understand having each spouse handle their parents, but I think if you are in the room and they are repeatedly saying stuff that hurts you, it makes sense to speak up. Maybe you are being overly sensitive, but why not let them know that? Unless they are in general hurtful people who don't like you and have made it known in the past, perhaps you should assume that they really don't know that this is bothering you. If I was saying something that was hurting someone I cared about, I would want them to tell me so I could stop.

[Anonymous]

Oh relax. They love their son and hope their grandchild will too. Give it a rest and stop being over sensitive. If you know the truth, why are you so insecure about what someone else says?

[Anonymous]

This would bother me so much too! My coping strategies would be:

-remind myself it's not about me--it's about them and their relationship to LO and they probably don't even realize that they're hurting my feelings
-give a little smile and secretly know it's not true and (try to) feel smugly confident that I know better
-ask them "Why do you say that?" with a look of genuine curiosity
-ask them "When DH was a baby, who did he prefer?"
-agree wholeheartedly and leave them all with LO for a while
-do what the PP suggested about telling your husband that it actually hurts your feelings (that's the mature, healthy choice!)

It does suck. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

I could be totally wrong, but when it said "Daddy's boy" I thought it was strange it wasn't "Daddy's girl." I wonder if part of it isn't that we think boys are supposed to be "Momma's boy" and girls are supposed to be their Dad's.

[Anonymous]

This is petty and dumb. I can't believe you, OP, wasting time thinking about shit like this. I second the grow up vote.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would find this really annoying and hurtful, too, but there isn't much you can do about it. It's not about you and doesn't sound like it is intended to be hurtful. Perhaps some of your feelings about returning to work are getting mixed up in this and making it feel like a bigger deal than it is -- the whole working mom's guilt and all. I know I was secretly hurt when my DS' first word was"Dadda" and then called ME Dadda for almost 6 months (DH stays home with DS and I went back to work so I was not feeling confident as a mom for a while there). Not the same situation as yours, but I understand the hurt feelings. You'll find your way with your son, and you'll develop your own special relationship with him, regardless of what your ILs call him or how they see him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a one-year-old. My inlaws enjoy referring to him as Daddy's boy, saying Daddy is his favorite person etc etc etc, even recently telling me that if I wanted to have better luck capturing video of him walking I should film him while standing next to his father so he had motivation to walk towards me.

I find this incredibly hurtful --- as if to inspire competition or drive a wedge between DH and myself. My family doesn't do this --- I've asked my husband to say something to his parents, and he hasn't. In fact he seems to enjoy perpetuating this image.

I'm trying not to be petty so if that's how this comes across, please flame away --- maybe I need the reality check. Recently returned to work FT so maybe that's why this stings. Not sure how to nip this in the bud.

If it bothers you, have you thought about saying something to them? I understand having each spouse handle their parents, but I think if you are in the room and they are repeatedly saying stuff that hurts you, it makes sense to speak up. Maybe you are being overly sensitive, but why not let them know that? Unless they are in general hurtful people who don't like you and have made it known in the past, perhaps you should assume that they really don't know that this is bothering you. If I was saying something that was hurting someone I cared about, I would want them to tell me so I could stop.

NO! It is stupid to even give this thought, and stupid to even be hurt by it. I hate to type that because feelings are valid, but OMG. You will probably laugh that you even felt this way 2-3 years from now. Just let.it.go.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this. It annoys me too sometimes. I've started just agreeing with her in a super over the top way. I'll chime in "oh yes, I know Larla LOVES her daddy so much! It's adorable!" or "I know, he's such a good dad! She's really lucky to have him" and on and on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a one-year-old. My inlaws enjoy referring to him as Daddy's boy, saying Daddy is his favorite person etc etc etc, even recently telling me that if I wanted to have better luck capturing video of him walking I should film him while standing next to his father so he had motivation to walk towards me.

I find this incredibly hurtful --- as if to inspire competition or drive a wedge between DH and myself. My family doesn't do this --- I've asked my husband to say something to his parents, and he hasn't. In fact he seems to enjoy perpetuating this image.

I'm trying not to be petty so if that's how this comes across, please flame away --- maybe I need the reality check. Recently returned to work FT so maybe that's why this stings. Not sure how to nip this in the bud.

If it bothers you, have you thought about saying something to them? I understand having each spouse handle their parents, but I think if you are in the room and they are repeatedly saying stuff that hurts you, it makes sense to speak up. Maybe you are being overly sensitive, but why not let them know that? Unless they are in general hurtful people who don't like you and have made it known in the past, perhaps you should assume that they really don't know that this is bothering you. If I was saying something that was hurting someone I cared about, I would want them to tell me so I could stop.

NO! It is stupid to even give this thought, and stupid to even be hurt by it. I hate to type that because feelings are valid, but OMG. You will probably laugh that you even felt this way 2-3 years from now. Just let.it.go.

Wow. You are intense.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws do exactly the same thing. Don't most in-laws? Especially grandparents on the father's side (who seem to be more insecure about their connection with the grandchildren for some reason).

However, you just have to let it go.

My kids (now 4 and 1) have consistently and infinitely preferred me to DH. I am not insecure when my MIL and FIL talk this way because I know that my years of being there for both kids (and working through endless baby and toddler play and the more interesting and fun preschool years, still sort of a chore ) resulted in a strong bond that no amount of in-law talk can change. DH is a good dad, but he's sometimes on his smartphone or says something snappish or gets tired and won't play. It's tough but I don't do those things, and that's what will shape your relationship with your kids, not what grandma and grandpa say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope - not going to flame. These people are asses and your husband is TOTALLY wrong for not standing up for you. It's amazing how stupid stereotypes get imbedded really early. Epic in-law fail. Epic DH fail.

For the record, I was always the 'cheerful stupid' child in the opinion of my grandparents on my dad's side. I knew this by age three (it didn't help that I was left handed like my mom- just to give you a further indication of what these people were like).

I won't bang on about the fact that it now appears I am not as dim-witted as they thought (I am still mostly cheerful FYI) but no one close to me will ever put my kids in a box and try and keep them there. And if my husband bought into that kind of "me against/more preferred than you" toxic muck I would visit upon him something dire. You cannot change your in-laws but I hope to hell you can impress on your husband how wrong his buying into this is for your family dynamic.

Sorry if I sound strident (maybe that's the intellectually inadequate bit coming out) but you do need to deal with this. It's not just a phrase or a moniker, it's a power issue that needs to be addressed. Strong respected women grow strong respectable boys. Disrespected women have far greater challenges. Put your foot down OP.

ITA with the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Meh. It's not a big deal.

I would encourage MIL/FIL to think of DS as "daddy's son". Then I would suggest that they fund their grandchild's college fund very generously - because he is "daddy's son".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. It's not a big deal.

I would encourage MIL/FIL to think of DS as "daddy's son". Then I would suggest that they fund their grandchild's college fund very generously - because he is "daddy's son".

This! They're annoying and wrong for the competitive nonsense, but let it roll off your shoulders. This is definitely a mole hill!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does this. It annoys me too sometimes. I've started just agreeing with her in a super over the top way. I'll chime in "oh yes, I know Larla LOVES her daddy so much! It's adorable!" or "I know, he's such a good dad! She's really lucky to have him" and on and on and on.

I think this is really the only way to go.

They are being petty and territorial. Sometimes in-laws act like this.