Long-term implications of egg or sperm donated by a sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would likely work out fine. But, we did an anonymous egg donation and I think that is also a great choice. You will feel connected to the baby because you carried it, because you decided to be the mother and because of all the day to day stuff that actually makes up motherhood. Genetics are only as important as you choose to make them.

Genetics actually mean a lot to me - in part because our grandparents were Holocaust survivors and as a result we don't have a lot of blood relatives, so I really want to carry those genes forward.

Wow - that has to be one of the most nonsensical reasons I have ever heard! And I am Jewish with one set of grandparents who lost everyone in the Holocaust.

Our genes are not any more special than anyone elses and propagating does nothing to bring back our ancestors!!!

What can I say? It's important to me. I would like for my child to have Jewish genes, and additionally, if there's a way to "keep it in the family," that's what I would choose.

Wanting to carry genes forward is hardly "nonsensical." Jeez. One of the many unique tragedies of the Holocaust was that it wiped out whole families, whole villages. People with in-born talents, predispositions, whatever, that they should have been able to pass on to the human race, but were unable to. Genetic diversity is key to the success of our species - its why inbreeding is bad. In fact the whole point of the Holocaust (from the perspective of the Nazis) was to exterminate the Jewish people, their genes. To ensure the Jews and their children, and thus their people, would cease to exist, permanently. The Nazis were just as brutal to non-practicing Jews - the goal was to eliminate everyone who looked Jewish or had Jewish blood - thats genetics. Thats why it was called "The Final Solution", and why they didn't just murder potential combatants, but instead also targeted women and children. I don't think it is nonsensical at all to value defeating that aim, generation after generation, by working to ensure these genes are passed on. And everyone's genes are "special" because they are unique, and thus further enrich and diversify our species. Of course Jewish DNA is not "more special", but it is special.

[Anonymous]

I would go with an anonymous egg donor. Every time you'll see your sister, you will think "this is the biological mother of my child. What if the child has a stronger connection with her?" The child will grow up confused as to who his/her real mother is. It's just too complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go with an anonymous egg donor. Every time you'll see your sister, you will think "this is the biological mother of my child. What if the child has a stronger connection with her?" The child will grow up confused as to who his/her real mother is. It's just too complicated.

I don't think this is necessarily true but suppose down the line you or your sister or your child has a hard time with it - you can never undo it, so be very sure.

[Anonymous]

I think there are pros and cons to this. How mature/rational is your sister? The biggest pro is of course that you will share genes with your child. This could mean that you have more in common, in terms of appearance, personality, ability than you would a child born of a random egg donor. Your child could also have a really strong relationship with her aunt, which could be both a pro or a con if it gets in the way of you being her mother. I think that it all comes down the the relationship between you and your sister and the type of people you both are.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband think of this? I'm assuming that it would be his sperm mixing with your sister's egg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think of this? I'm assuming that it would be his sperm mixing with your sister's egg.

OP here - my husband is on board; he feels the way that I do - that my sister's egg would be the next best thing to my own. I come from a very close family, and I'm particularly close with my sister, even though she is 15 years younger (and yes, a full sibling). In the last five years our relationship has transitioned from that of cool aunt/young girl to true sisterhood. (To be clear: I am NOT her aunt, but due to our age difference that is sort of how she viewed me until she became a young adult.) She's an amazing young woman now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL did it for her older sister. My SIL is no closer to that kid than she is any of her other nieces and nephews.

OP here - that's kind of how my sister feels at this point. She's not at a stage in her life where she's ready for her own children. I would carry the baby. She and I look very much alike - people say we have "the same face" - so it's not like she'd necessarily see only herself every time she looked at the child.

BIL donated sperm for DH and no one knows except us and the clinic. He was the closest in appearance and has no interest in having children of his own, but thankfully gave us that amazing gift and is a doting uncle and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

So much depends on the family dynamic and health issues. We did anon DE and our kids are in their 20s. We considered using my sister -- we look a lot alike and are very close. but the clinic did not approve her/us. I was devastated at the time. Since then there have been some family genetic problems. My sister and I will always be close, but our lives are very different. The family dynamic has become more complex, and with greater understanding of genetics, better choice for certain. Anon was the best for us. We have beautiful, amazing DCs and they are a perfect fit for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please read this, OP, and ask your sister to read it.
http://mom.me/blog/14818-parents-raising-my-eggs/

She is beautiful and seems sweet. But I would not want to have the relationship that she wants with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Would this be something you would ever tell your children (or they would ever accidentally find out)? You don't know who they will be yet, so you can't anticipate how they would react to the news. Consider this carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would this be something you would ever tell your children (or they would ever accidentally find out)? You don't know who they will be yet, so you can't anticipate how they would react to the news. Consider this carefully.

I would tell them - early. It would just be part of their story. "Mommy's eggs weren't working so Auntie Jane gave us a wonderful gift that allowed us to have you."

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend whose sister did this. In his case, he's gay and his husband donated the sperm and his sister the egg so the child is biologically related to both of them. Amazing. Anyway, the only issue for them was that when the sister went to have her own children a few years after donating the egg, she had some fertility issues. So I think it was a little strange for her that her biological child was walking the Earth as her niece while she couldn't conceive a child of her own. At one point, she even thought adoption would be her only option to having a family. But she ended up eventually being able to have her own biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would likely work out fine. But, we did an anonymous egg donation and I think that is also a great choice. You will feel connected to the baby because you carried it, because you decided to be the mother and because of all the day to day stuff that actually makes up motherhood. Genetics are only as important as you choose to make them.

Genetics actually mean a lot to me - in part because our grandparents were Holocaust survivors and as a result we don't have a lot of blood relatives, so I really want to carry those genes forward.

Wow - that has to be one of the most nonsensical reasons I have ever heard! And I am Jewish with one set of grandparents who lost everyone in the Holocaust.

Our genes are not any more special than anyone elses and propagating does nothing to bring back our ancestors!!!

Why the fuck are you such an asshole? NP here.

Dear god, I hope your genes don't carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would this be something you would ever tell your children (or they would ever accidentally find out)? You don't know who they will be yet, so you can't anticipate how they would react to the news. Consider this carefully.

This full disclosure is something that the Drs and fertility counselors will push for, OP.

DH, BIL, and I agreed to never tell anyone and have no reason to change our minds. DD just happens to look a lot like a certain uncle who happens to look a lot like his father, DD's grandfather. So she looks a lot like her grandfather's side of the family (whereas DH tends to favor his mother more even though the brothers resemble each other a lot).

The whole IVF process and then the donor necessity was such an gift and a persistently intrusive burden all at the same time. We are so grateful to be parents, and for us believe that we deserve whatever tiny bit of privacy we were able to have. Especially because we stayed in the immediate gene pool - it's not like she would have surprises come up like accidentally dating her bio brother or something like that.

Everyone in our family and circle of friends would have been cool with us having used a donor and IVF so our decision not to disclose has nothing to do with that. We just think there is room for more than one valid approach to this very big issue.