Another IL visit post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't be making your elderly parents sleep on a mattress in the living room. I wouldn't want to visit you either.

What happens in the morning when you and your kid wake up? Is the living room closed off entirely or do they get woken up?

People in their sixties get achier easier. If you want guests, improve the guest quarters. No way should yr kid get a bedroom while your parents are on the living room floor.

+1. And if they go to bed later, you should stay up later too. When guests visit, little things like that can make them happier. My in laws try to stay up when we visit them and they try not to wake up before 7am too (so that we can sleep a little).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you are all so brutally honest -

ILs have always come up with excuses not to visit. They can't board the dog. They need a quiet weekend at home. The drive is long. The drive is expensive. They need a weekend to go shopping. The list goes on and on. They are part time retired, so their time should be fairly flexible and have friends and family nearby who are happy to watch the dog. We drive up very often for birthdays, holidays, just because...

We live in a townhouse with small kids and no guestroom. So we bought a mattress (a real one, not an air mattress) to use in the living room with guests. There's a bathroom and tv there and we go to bed early while they are night owls, so there's really no conflict in space. The latest excuse for not visiting? "We're too old to sleep on a mattress on the floor". They pride themselves in being "too young to be grandparents"(they're in their 60s and have no physical ailments).

So DCUM - am I now supposed to offer them my bedroom in order to encourage visits? I've never been offered a host's bedroom, and it seems odd to me to do so. Am I a bitch if I don't? I'm a private person and a bit protective of my space so I'm uncomfortable with that. Besides the fact that our bedroom has no tv and they "can't" sleep without one. And since we like to go to bed earlier than them (before 10) it doesn't logistically work well to switch.

Perhaps your in-laws feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you are all so brutally honest -

ILs have always come up with excuses not to visit. They can't board the dog. They need a quiet weekend at home. The drive is long. The drive is expensive. They need a weekend to go shopping. The list goes on and on. They are part time retired, so their time should be fairly flexible and have friends and family nearby who are happy to watch the dog. We drive up very often for birthdays, holidays, just because...

We live in a townhouse with small kids and no guestroom. So we bought a mattress (a real one, not an air mattress) to use in the living room with guests. There's a bathroom and tv there and we go to bed early while they are night owls, so there's really no conflict in space. The latest excuse for not visiting? "We're too old to sleep on a mattress on the floor". They pride themselves in being "too young to be grandparents"(they're in their 60s and have no physical ailments).

So DCUM - am I now supposed to offer them my bedroom in order to encourage visits? I've never been offered a host's bedroom, and it seems odd to me to do so. Am I a bitch if I don't? I'm a private person and a bit protective of my space so I'm uncomfortable with that. Besides the fact that our bedroom has no tv and they "can't" sleep without one. And since we like to go to bed earlier than them (before 10) it doesn't logistically work well to switch.

Perhaps your in-laws feel the same.

I'm not much into "respecting your elders" but parents/inlaws and grandparents deserve a bedroom. I give mine up for them. I don't give my friends or siblings my bedroom when they visit though.

[Anonymous]

I have to say putting my parents/his parents on the floor would not occur to me. I would at least try to be a more gracious host and offer them the bedroom. (I promise they won't trash it so no need to be so protective! It's only a room just like every other!) Suggest a hotel. If they still decline - which it sounds like they will - at least you presented all options and tried. Then leave it to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to visit. You have done what you can personally. It is not your responsibility to fix DH's relationship with them or hurt feelings.

This x100. Stop trying to manage everyone's feelings OP.

[Anonymous]

get a bed frame to go w the mattress (since this won't be a permanent set-up, just get a cheaper bedframe like this--http://www.walmart.com/ip/Spa-Sensations-Steel-Smart-Base-Bed-Frame-Black-Multiple-Sizes/15739163--that you can fold up when not in use--we have one of these for our makeshift guest room.), set it up in the kid(s)' room, the kid(s) sleep in your room w you for a few days while the ILs visit. this would prob be more comfortable for them to have their own room when they visit and to be on a proper bed instead of a mattress on the floor.

however, given their history of not seeming to want to visit, you may want to check w them before you go out and buy a bedframe to see if this would make the arrangement more comfortable for them and if they'd come visit if you had a proper bed set up for them and a bedroom they could stay in to have their own little space when they come.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, sleeping on a mattress in the living room OR in someone else's bed both sound really unappealing to me. I just don't like being at close quarters with people, even family members. It sounds like you're not in a position to host overnight guests right now. There's no shame in that. It sounds like money is an issue for your ILs. In that case, offering to put them up in a hotel would be extremely gracious and would probably make everybody much more comfortable. It doesn't have to be the Ritz-Carlton, just a clean, comfortable Holiday Inn-type place convenient to your home. If they still don't come, stop trying.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are testing your boundaries to see what hoops you will jump through for them. I'm sorry for your DH! That is a hard pill to swallow when you realize this is happening from the people you love.

Can they get a hotel that allows dogs? Then they wouldn't have to board and could sleep in their own privacy.

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid, the kids gave up their bedroom and bunked with the parents on a pallet on the floor or in the bed if you fit.
They see you on numerous visits to their house, so they must like you. Maybe they are just the kind of folks who don't want to stay at someone else's house (especially in the living room -- I would hate that)
Or just like being at home.
Has DH told his parents that it hurts his feelings that they do not reciprocate visits?
Let them know and maybe they can step outside their comfort zones a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

When we visit my ILs they have us sleep on a 1980's sofabed in the living room (the only communal space they have) and they put a pack and play in a closet for our DC to use. Their house is kind of like a duplex (with a shared foyer) and the other side is vacant, but they won't set up a bed over there for guests to use.

As a result, we don't go up to visit. We invite them to come down to us. We have a guest room with a private bath they can use.

It's just completely uncomfortable to visit there. We have no privacy. It's not as if we just got married. This has been going on for 8 years now. Last year, we finally decided to stop going along with it.

[Anonymous]

Hotel. Done.

[Anonymous]

Agree about a hotel. I wouldn't want someone else sleeping in my bed, that creeps me out - nor would I want to sleep in someone else's. But, since this is part of a long pattern of excuses, I wouldn't put too much weight on it and also agree with others that this is unlikely to change.

[Anonymous]

Please try and understand. I would not visit you either. We always stay in a hotel and pay for it. It has nothing to do with you. We have medical, TMI issues.

We like being in our own home. Our dog gets sick when we leave. It is stressful for us. Sixty is not old but some of us do not like to travel.

Stop forcing the issue.

[Anonymous]

Tell them to stay in a hotel. If they wanted to come, they would. But they don't. Move on.

[Anonymous]

My DH's family doesn't come to see us either, and we have a guest room with an en suite spa bathroom. OTOH - they frequently visit one of my BILs, who lives in a tiny apartment with his GF and child. They sleep on the floor there.

DH used to say his mom was afraid to fly, but there's plenty of evidence that she'll get in a plane to see other people. Now he's saying they'll come once we have kids. (We've had multiple miscarriages.) I think they don't come b/c I'm not from their ethnic group and I don't speak their language. We get along very well when we visit them. I just think they aren't comfortable going the other direction.