Philosophical question about Father-in-Law

[Anonymous]

My former FIL was a charming bigot if you know what I mean. He also bullied his children and wife in a folksy kinda way. I saw right through him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My former FIL was a charming bigot if you know what I mean. He also bullied his children and wife in a folksy kinda way. I saw right through him.

bet he loved you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. My MIL and FIL are generally pretty good people, although some serous co-dependent issues that I won't dig into here have left it difficult to have a relationship with them.

The FIL is old-school, borderline narcissist, chauvinistic 60s "man about town" and, when the sh-- that comes out of his mouth comes, I tend to laugh it off. I mean, it's hilarious some of this stuff you guys. "Women should or shouldn't" "did you see the tatas on her?!" Like I said, he's a nice enough guy, loved by my DH, a product of his environment, did his best, but some of his attitudes - wow. And, I laugh it off. In a way I doubt I would with ANY other man. Why do I do that? Why do I just shrug and let it go? I mean, if my own father said that crap it's be a vicious argument, but this guy is just sort of likable in his idiocy or some other dynamic is going on?

DH is 95% great guy, involved father, but don't think I can't trace some of that 5% back to this guy, yet -- I've let it all go for some reason. Hmm.

You let it go for the same reasons everyone else pretends not to hear racist talk, witness abuse, etc. Once you acknowledge it, you have to deal with it. You can't continue to sweep it under the rug and live with yourself. So you pretend it's funny or you don't notice or its not a big deal, because you're not prepared for the monster explosion that will come otherwise.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is dead and was a wicked wicked witch. My FIL is a Democrat that says his social security is being stolen by Republicans. He also says he caught COPD from his gas meter. I avoid him. Never liked him. He whines about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. My MIL and FIL are generally pretty good people, although some serous co-dependent issues that I won't dig into here have left it difficult to have a relationship with them.

The FIL is old-school, borderline narcissist, chauvinistic 60s "man about town" and, when the sh-- that comes out of his mouth comes, I tend to laugh it off. I mean, it's hilarious some of this stuff you guys. "Women should or shouldn't" "did you see the tatas on her?!" Like I said, he's a nice enough guy, loved by my DH, a product of his environment, did his best, but some of his attitudes - wow. And, I laugh it off. In a way I doubt I would with ANY other man. Why do I do that? Why do I just shrug and let it go? I mean, if my own father said that crap it's be a vicious argument, but this guy is just sort of likable in his idiocy or some other dynamic is going on?

DH is 95% great guy, involved father, but don't think I can't trace some of that 5% back to this guy, yet -- I've let it all go for some reason. Hmm.

You let it go for the same reasons everyone else pretends not to hear racist talk, witness abuse, etc. Once you acknowledge it, you have to deal with it. You can't continue to sweep it under the rug and live with yourself. So you pretend it's funny or you don't notice or its not a big deal, because you're not prepared for the monster explosion that will come otherwise.

This is the line though, that I'm always stuck on the other side of. We live 1200 miles from these people, they show no particular interest in being a part of my children's lives (fine by me) and to pen the can of worms feels like it would be incredibly unrewarding. Is it a fair decisions for me to make to just shrug the shit off for one week a year? Do I owe myself/DH/kids/ he'll even the ILs more? I flash forward 10 years and he's dead and MIL is hoarding cats and I feel like I did nothing to stop the train, but at the same time, is this my job? My duty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. My MIL and FIL are generally pretty good people, although some serous co-dependent issues that I won't dig into here have left it difficult to have a relationship with them.

The FIL is old-school, borderline narcissist, chauvinistic 60s "man about town" and, when the sh-- that comes out of his mouth comes, I tend to laugh it off. I mean, it's hilarious some of this stuff you guys. "Women should or shouldn't" "did you see the tatas on her?!" Like I said, he's a nice enough guy, loved by my DH, a product of his environment, did his best, but some of his attitudes - wow. And, I laugh it off. In a way I doubt I would with ANY other man. Why do I do that? Why do I just shrug and let it go? I mean, if my own father said that crap it's be a vicious argument, but this guy is just sort of likable in his idiocy or some other dynamic is going on?

DH is 95% great guy, involved father, but don't think I can't trace some of that 5% back to this guy, yet -- I've let it all go for some reason. Hmm.

You let it go for the same reasons everyone else pretends not to hear racist talk, witness abuse, etc. Once you acknowledge it, you have to deal with it. You can't continue to sweep it under the rug and live with yourself. So you pretend it's funny or you don't notice or its not a big deal, because you're not prepared for the monster explosion that will come otherwise.

This is the line though, that I'm always stuck on the other side of. We live 1200 miles from these people, they show no particular interest in being a part of my children's lives (fine by me) and to pen the can of worms feels like it would be incredibly unrewarding. Is it a fair decisions for me to make to just shrug the shit off for one week a year? Do I owe myself/DH/kids/ he'll even the ILs more? I flash forward 10 years and he's dead and MIL is hoarding cats and I feel like I did nothing to stop the train, but at the same time, is this my job? My duty?

You know what, PP here, I'm going to start my own thread. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I think women tend to be more insecure and competitive and judge themselves based on others. That's why you get more MIL/DIL sensitivities.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is just as bad, if not worse than my MIL. He's openly rude and condescending whereas my MIL does it behind our backs.

I long ago stopped caring about the behavior of either while they visit and I drink heavily instead.

Now that the behavior is extending to and affecting our kids, I care again and the drinking heavily doesn't work as well since I have children to look after.

[Anonymous]

I think that women compete with other women. So, this means that not only on mothers-in-law more aggressive towards daughters in law, but also daughters in law are more forgiving towards fathers in law and a lot more exacting and grudge-holding towards mothers in law.

I see it in myself. My father-in-law says racist, homophobic, sexist things every time I see him, but somehow he bothers me a lot less than my mother-in-law who says similar things. In my mind, she is more annoying. When I step back and think about this as objectively as possible, however, I suspect that I am unconsciously more exacting where she is concerned because we are both women.