Fear of losing them to the other coast...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

I wish I could have you talk with my mother. I'm her one and only, and I went a state away for college and have never moved back to my home state. In fact, I've lived all over the country and traveled abroad for months at a time. We're a short flight or long drive away from each other now. I'm pregnant with my second.

My parents always told me that I should do or be whatever I wanted so long as I was happy and could support myself, and, by God, they stuck to it, even when my life has taken some unexpected twists and turns. Never once have they guilted me over my choices, but they've been game to visit wherever I live, they call, they support, they send packages, they kept me updated during grandparent illnesses… I am very close to my parents, but I don't live near them.

Over the years, I've realized that I have plenty of friends who live far away from their parents who don't have the benefit of that support. Don't be that parent. You can have a good relationship with your daughter no matter where she lives--but not if you're making a fuss about where she lives. You can tell her you'll miss her even as you tell her you're proud of her and support her, and I urge you to find your way down that path.

wonderfully said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

your child is 18 and you are worried about grandchildren? get a grip. guarantee your daughter will be posting in the family relationships forum about you in ten years or so.

No, I understand OP's concern and I do think about that as well. DS is in school in England and DD is talking about going to Scotland for college. DH is British and the kids could live and work in Britain if they wanted after graduation.

Yes, I think about it. But I can't see how I would have done anything differently.

[Anonymous]

If she goes to a graduate school around here, she'll be back in the fold. It's the last school/degree that presents the issue.

The school's network comes into play as well. Stanford will have more east coast connections; the others will have very rich connections in the LA area.

Also are you in the DC area, or are you in a town that is far enough away from DC (or a big city) so as not to be driving distance for a day job?

I ask because I left my hometown, which is a city 2 hours from Los Angeles, to go to school on the east coast. I managed to make it back as close as LA but have never been able to get back into my hometown. This has been many years now…since 1993. For us, it's proven easier to go LA to DC or NYC than go big city to [the little city nearby the big city, but not driving distance to work in big city).

OP I've got two DDs and my plan is if they want me--esp. after they have kids--and they can't make it back to me, then I'll follow them.

There is one other trick up my sleeve, though (and I haven't figured it out financially so it might not work). That is, to get a house to rent out nearby me, and then say if they want to live in the little house, then they can rent-free. Sort of a carrot, if you will, to get them to think about moving back. When I stopped being a student, started working and saw all the money being drained out of my paycheck for taxes etc, and how much things truly cost--like a house--this would have been appealing to me.

[Anonymous]

My concern would be that her overwhelming desire to go to California seems to have gotten in the way of her ability to distinguish among schools in California. Some of the schools on her list are really mediocre. Stanford, the Claremont colleges, and USC make sense (although maybe not for the same person), but Occidental and Mount Saint Mary's don't. Why are there no UCs on the list?

I guess my bottom line as a parent is that I won't dictate the location or type of school, but I will exercise quality control. This is an education not a vacation we're talking about -- and DC has to make the case that the school she wants to attend is a good choice in terms of putting her on the path toward a career that will enable her to become self-supporting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

why do you want to stick around here if your daughter establishes herself out west?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

your child is 18 and you are worried about grandchildren? get a grip. guarantee your daughter will be posting in the family relationships forum about you in ten years or so.

How old are you that you don't realize this is a completely realistic worry to have? You sound like a college student yourself.

[Anonymous]

Tell her NO give her a 500 mile radius. If she back talks immediately make it 250.

[Anonymous]

DS went to Stanford and DD to Berkeley. DS came home for medical school. I could see DD either staying OR coming back. But I understand her wanting to stay.

When they were getting ready to apply to colleges we only let them apply to ones we were willing to let them go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My concern would be that her overwhelming desire to go to California seems to have gotten in the way of her ability to distinguish among schools in California. Some of the schools on her list are really mediocre. Stanford, the Claremont colleges, and USC make sense (although maybe not for the same person), but Occidental and Mount Saint Mary's don't. Why are there no UCs on the list?

I guess my bottom line as a parent is that I won't dictate the location or type of school, but I will exercise quality control. This is an education not a vacation we're talking about -- and DC has to make the case that the school she wants to attend is a good choice in terms of putting her on the path toward a career that will enable her to become self-supporting.

+1 from a Southern Californian.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as a homesick Californian, your concern is justified. People stay because it's wonderful. The weather, the more laid-back culture, the stunning coastline.

But you won't be "losing" your daughter if she chooses this. My decision to move to the East Coast at 18 wasn't a rejection of my parents. It was what I needed to do to establish myself on the path I chose to travel in life. My parents are bitter about my decision even now, after all these years, and it hurts. I would welcome them to visit more often, but they choose not to and say that if I wanted to see them more than once a year, I shouldn't have moved out east. They complain about the infrequency of my visits, but don't offer to help with the out-of-reach-for-us costs of plane tickets for four people plus hotel and car rental (my parents don't allow us to stay in their house because they value their quiet time).

Anyway, I'll stop going off about my experience. The only reason I shared it is to say, don't be like my parents. Let your kids make their decisions, then react in a way that will make you happiest. If that means moving out West to be closer, do it. If you'd rather stay here, then thank God we live in a world of Skype and plane travel, and make the best of it. But whatever you do, don't be bitter and don't lay guilt trips. It would hurt your daughter badly, and I'm guessing she's a great girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My concern would be that her overwhelming desire to go to California seems to have gotten in the way of her ability to distinguish among schools in California. Some of the schools on her list are really mediocre. Stanford, the Claremont colleges, and USC make sense (although maybe not for the same person), but Occidental and Mount Saint Mary's don't. Why are there no UCs on the list?

I guess my bottom line as a parent is that I won't dictate the location or type of school, but I will exercise quality control. This is an education not a vacation we're talking about -- and DC has to make the case that the school she wants to attend is a good choice in terms of putting her on the path toward a career that will enable her to become self-supporting.

+1 from a Southern Californian.

I (PP you quoted) am from SoCal as well! Sibs are still there (and one has a HS jr. in the midst of the college search process).

[Anonymous]

Not op but thank you all for the great posts. We're not there yet but this advice is really helpful in terms of preparation.

[Anonymous]

I am also an only who has always, even when I was away at college, lived within a few hours of my parents.

Had I moved to CA and had they wanted to move nearby if we appeared settled, I'd have welcomed the move.

They're not really old or in bad health, but as those years creep up I admit I'd prefer to have them close. There is a chance we'll move to CA or to the NW in a few years; if we do and if we stay, I'd URGE them to also come.

It was nice to have them here for my children's early years. But again, if they weren't nearby we'd have worked something out.

Don't fret. Have a conversation with your child about how you'd hope to retire near her someday but not suffocate her. You'd like to help, be a parent, be a present grandparent. If your daughter doesn't totally suck (and if you don't either) this may be a sweet sentiment. And in the meantime, enjoy the freedom while your daughter is in college for four years!

[Anonymous]

I went 1,400 miles away to a college I loved, and my parents were completely supportive. Then for grad school, I was 2,800 miles away! Have done a couple of short stints in Europe, too.

Now we're 700-800 miles way from both sets of grandparents, and they know better than to complain about that short of a distance! By the way, we're very close and visit frequently. We just have to have a larger travel budget than some families.

[Anonymous]

This discussion made me sad. Am a 16 hour flight away from my parents and will probably be this way for the rest of my life and their lives. It was all fun and games when I decided to come here for college but now I worry about my parents getting older and sometimes when emergencies crop up its difficult to help them deal when I am not there.
Can't move back either, fell in love here and DH job is not mobile. Such is life.