Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but your attitude could use some tweaking. Please accept that marriage, house, and children are family responsibilities. Your part is not limited to any defined areas except perhaps the birthing. Why would you notice something needs to be done and then pass it off to someone else? I understand asking for help while sick but then you have to accept the quality of that help graciously. You never asked for help, how is he supposed to read your mind? If you were sick you should have reminded him that you feel awful and could he please do this now. I assume your entire marriage is based on perceived ideas of gender not on actual agreement of duties. This really isn't the 1950's and somehow I can't quite see you as Donna Reed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but your attitude could use some tweaking. Please accept that marriage, house, and children are family responsibilities. Your part is not limited to any defined areas except perhaps the birthing. Why would you notice something needs to be done and then pass it off to someone else? I understand asking for help while sick but then you have to accept the quality of that help graciously. You never asked for help, how is he supposed to read your mind? If you were sick you should have reminded him that you feel awful and could he please do this now. I assume your entire marriage is based on perceived ideas of gender not on actual agreement of duties. This really isn't the 1950's and somehow I can't quite see you as Donna Reed

Not sure (read don't care) who Donna Reed is. I'm very happy with the traditional approach we have. It isn't rigid. I take out the trash from time to time and from time to time he may wash a dish or even cook breakfast. However,for the most part. The trash is an area that he could use improvement on. I'm sure he can find a chore that I drop the ball on as well. I'm really referring to the fact that he allowed me to go outside and clean garbage up off the ground while he was present. That's unacceptable, regardless of whether I agreed to do it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of being unhappy and giving the cold shoulder, start rewarding him when he does take it out. No advice on what to say at this point, but everyone has a task they just loathe entirely. Could you live withe being in charge of the trash if he takes on some other task that you can't stand? If he regularly did night feedings, or cleaned the bathroom, or something else, could you live with that trade? I'd try and get to the bottom of what it is causing him to ignore the trash and then go from there.

I loathe cleaning the bathroom especially with two guys in the house, it would be a nice trade but it would never happen. There are bathroom battles I have lost as well. The bathroom would probably go filthy before he actually cleaned it. I'll have to think through this one and have a sit down with him. Perhaps we can come up with a reasonable solution. Thanks for the advice.

[Anonymous]

Came back to say, that my husband knows quite well that he's messed up. His version of sorry was to make lunch for me just now and to help me out with our baby without my asking. I still know a mature conversation needs to take place. Thanks to all of you for responding. My headspace feels better now. I think I'll broach the topic and nip this thing in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Can you just talk with him about it? "Honey, the trash is overflowing. You've walked by it 3 times today. What's up with that?"

Try to understand where he's coming from first--maybe he's just oblivious. Maybe he sees it, but doesn't feel it's his responsibility. Maybe it triggers some childhood trauma...who knows. Just talk to him about it. It's okay to ask, listen and THEN share what you'd like have happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just talk with him about it? "Honey, the trash is overflowing. You've walked by it 3 times today. What's up with that?"

Try to understand where he's coming from first--maybe he's just oblivious. Maybe he sees it, but doesn't feel it's his responsibility. Maybe it triggers some childhood trauma...who knows. Just talk to him about it. It's okay to ask, listen and THEN share what you'd like have happen.

I know I should totally do this. It's such an obvious way to react yet I dont. Thanks for the advice

[Anonymous]

I think there are many areas in which you need improving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are many areas in which you need improving.

Likewise, I'm sure you can say the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are many areas in which you need improving.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

Absolutely!!! I try to always see the other person's point of view though. The title of this thread is "Am I Wrong?" Yet you are not receptive of criticism. You are not wrong to hope your husband would do the trash while you are sick. You are wrong to expect him to know what you want without vocalizing how he can help you. You are not wrong to hope he will take out the trash always but you are wrong to assume it is his responsibility because frankly everyone in the home contributes to the trash. What I find appalling is that you see him as having flaws that need fixing. What he needs is someone who has his best interests at heart. Which is exactly what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely!!! I try to always see the other person's point of view though. The title of this thread is "Am I Wrong?" Yet you are not receptive of criticism. You are not wrong to hope your husband would do the trash while you are sick. You are wrong to expect him to know what you want without vocalizing how he can help you. You are not wrong to hope he will take out the trash always but you are wrong to assume it is his responsibility because frankly everyone in the home contributes to the trash. What I find appalling is that you see him as having flaws that need fixing. What he needs is someone who has his best interests at heart. Which is exactly what you want.

Are we reading the same thread? Op has admitted fault quite a bit. Did I miss something here?

[Anonymous]

In a traditional marriage the husband takes out the trash.

[Anonymous]

1. I would have been pissed too. BUT...
2. You cannot expect him to read your mind. Husbands can be clueless.
3. From now on, when you want him to take out the trash, put the can in front of the door.
4. Tell him that's what you're going to do and explain that it isn't that you are being passive aggressive, its to make sure the trash gets taken out.
5. Tell him that you felt like it was disrespectful for him to let you pick up the trash, watch you pick up trash, and while you were sick.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell him how you feel and ask if he can be responsible for the trash from now on.

[Anonymous]

I"m going to play armchair psychologist. You say this is the only chore your husband isn't doing, otherwise he's helpful, etc. I don't think he likes to take the trash out. Maybe he did it when he was a child and it's a chore he hates, I don't know. I'd ask him directly how he feels about trash. Personally I'd take the trash out myself. It's easy, it's not a big deal to me. It is to you.

If he says he doesn't want to take the trash out, I'd trade chores with him. I'd ask him to take on something you don't like doing.