If your only vacation is with IL's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rent your own place. Near them.
Grown-ups pay for their own vacations.
When you have your own place & pay all of your costs, you are free - you decide re: the schedule and how much togetherness.

OP here. This is my point, they do not care if DH is there or not. At all. Ever. They do not include him. They do not go to the beach together, or even sit together. What's the point?

I guess that would be all the more reason to get your own place right? Why on earth do they insist on this arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rent your own place. Near them.
Grown-ups pay for their own vacations.
When you have your own place & pay all of your costs, you are free - you decide re: the schedule and how much togetherness.

OP here. This is my point, they do not care if DH is there or not. At all. Ever. They do not include him. They do not go to the beach together, or even sit together. What's the point?

Do you mean that it's your husband who insists on going and trying to fit in, perhaps repeating a childhood pattern?

You have to put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

This year we booked our own vacation months before ILs started planning summer. Then we could honestly say, "Oops, sorry--we've already allocated all of our time off!"

[Anonymous]

I like to drink a lot when on "vacation" with my in laws. I also only go for part of the time. So if they go for a week, we only go for 3 days. I am lobbying to stop going on vacation with them at all, but my DH is not on board just yet. I'm working on him, it's a slow process to realize your family is just not any fun to be around...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rent your own place. Near them.
Grown-ups pay for their own vacations.
When you have your own place & pay all of your costs, you are free - you decide re: the schedule and how much togetherness.

OP here. This is my point, they do not care if DH is there or not. At all. Ever. They do not include him. They do not go to the beach together, or even sit together. What's the point?

I guess that would be all the more reason to get your own place right? Why on earth do they insist on this arrangement?

This! OP, who is it that tries to coordinate the trip, DH or his family? In any case, it sounds like you'd be a lot happier making other plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like to drink a lot when on "vacation" with my in laws. I also only go for part of the time. So if they go for a week, we only go for 3 days. I am lobbying to stop going on vacation with them at all, but my DH is not on board just yet. I'm working on him, it's a slow process to realize your family is just not any fun to be around...

OP here. I love this idea. If only I drank. I like to be "on" for the kids, so I don't want to be tired the next day. I do appreciate the input about only going a few days. With MIL, one is damned if they do, and damned if they don't - but DH still tries to please the IL's, even though DH is old enough to know better. Sometimes I stay home, but then I miss my family, and frankly, would rather our vacations be together (the nuclear family, of course). We would rent our own place, but then the issue is the IL's would ignore DH entirely all week, and DH would end up chasing them even more. I would hate to drive one day each way for nothing (even though it is now, it is slightly less so.)

It is sad, but it is also hard for me to tell DH to stop. The IL's are insular and odd, to say the least. Of course, DH is either in denial or just doesn't see it. There is only so much I can do, so I was hoping to try to turn a negative into a positive.

[Anonymous]

I actually really like my ILs and get along with them well, but even I have come to the conclusion that there is a difference between "vacation" and "visiting family". We enjoy visiting family and make a point to do so when we can, but we also make sure we have a "nuclear family only" vacation that is just me, DH, and the kids.

You are in a situation with less-than-ideal ILs, so its even more crucial that you make this distinction. It sounds like there are a lot of weird family dynamics between your husband and his parents, and I'm not sure you are going to be able to "solve" that--it will have to be DH recognizing there is an issue and deciding he wants to make a change. In the meantime what you can do is minimize the collateral damage and insist on this distinction between your immediate family vacation and a visit with ILs. If that means less time with the ILs because there's only so many vacation days you guys have from work, then so be it.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually really like my ILs and get along with them well, but even I have come to the conclusion that there is a difference between "vacation" and "visiting family". We enjoy visiting family and make a point to do so when we can, but we also make sure we have a "nuclear family only" vacation that is just me, DH, and the kids.

You are in a situation with less-than-ideal ILs, so its even more crucial that you make this distinction. It sounds like there are a lot of weird family dynamics between your husband and his parents, and I'm not sure you are going to be able to "solve" that--it will have to be DH recognizing there is an issue and deciding he wants to make a change. In the meantime what you can do is minimize the collateral damage and insist on this distinction between your immediate family vacation and a visit with ILs. If that means less time with the ILs because there's only so many vacation days you guys have from work, then so be it.
Good luck.

+1 good post. Definitely spend time with extended family but it's important to have your own vacation time - just you with your husband & kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually really like my ILs and get along with them well, but even I have come to the conclusion that there is a difference between "vacation" and "visiting family". We enjoy visiting family and make a point to do so when we can, but we also make sure we have a "nuclear family only" vacation that is just me, DH, and the kids.

You are in a situation with less-than-ideal ILs, so its even more crucial that you make this distinction. It sounds like there are a lot of weird family dynamics between your husband and his parents, and I'm not sure you are going to be able to "solve" that--it will have to be DH recognizing there is an issue and deciding he wants to make a change. In the meantime what you can do is minimize the collateral damage and insist on this distinction between your immediate family vacation and a visit with ILs. If that means less time with the ILs because there's only so many vacation days you guys have from work, then so be it.
Good luck.

+1 good post. Definitely spend time with extended family but it's important to have your own vacation time - just you with your husband & kids.

+1

Especially if MI/ILs are odd, cold and unwelcoming.

[Anonymous]

Who is paying?

Why can't you go on a different vacation and not go with ILs?

[Anonymous]

Kind of a tough situation when the in-laws pay for the vacation. Had everything teed up for a group vacation and then we get the drop everything, its our birthday next summer and we're paying everyone to come celebrate with us on a group vacation.

With limited vacation time yet the passive aggressive approach that FIL is paying, we feel forced to go. FIL wife's side of the family is a bag of nuts with everything from mental issues, addiction and a tome of anger/resentment history still following the family around. I swear they are cursed somehow.

[Anonymous]

FIL/MIL insist on paying, unfortunately. OP here. We can very well afford our own vacations in terms of money - not so in terms of time.