I cut off my MIL.... mostly.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are smart to cut such toxicity out of your life. MILs don't have an obligation to "like" DILs, but they do have an obligation to be "nice". Isn't that what we tell our young children? Don't MILs have parents to teach them the basics in life?

I can't imagine having someone 'new' in the family, and not being consistently warm and welcoming - especially if that person never, in actuality, did anything wrong. I think a lot of MILs resent their young DILs for no real reason. Pettiness is not a real reason.

If MILs want to be considered any kind of "matriarch" (vomit) in the family, they need to step it up and act in a graceful manner, consistently (not just for appearances). After all, MILs are *supposed to be* older and wiser. They need to behave accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you are smart to cut such toxicity out of your life. MILs don't have an obligation to "like" DILs, but they do have an obligation to be "nice". Isn't that what we tell our young children? Don't MILs have parents to teach them the basics in life?

I can't imagine having someone 'new' in the family, and not being consistently warm and welcoming - especially if that person never, in actuality, did anything wrong. I think a lot of MILs resent their young DILs for no real reason. Pettiness is not a real reason.

If MILs want to be considered any kind of "matriarch" (vomit) in the family, they need to step it up and act in a graceful manner, consistently (not just for appearances). After all, MILs are *supposed to be* older and wiser. They need to behave accordingly.

So true. Maybe they'll be a whole influx of nice MIL's when our own kids get married, since we all know how it feels to be treated like crap. We could start an entire movement that makes mean MIL's seem rare. AHHHHH.

I seriously can't imagine being anything BUT welcoming to a new member of my family. I have a cousin in his mid-late 20's who is getting married soon, and we have embraced this young lady and treated her with nothing but kindness and respect. I can't imagine doing anything else.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have to act like this with my own parents. My father is the one with the personality disorder, but years of dealing with it have made my mother difficult as well. Any piece of information becomes a cudgel to beat someone with.

It's exhausting, and they also know I'm keeping them at an arm's distance and have made scenes about it. I don't care anymore. If they want any relationship at all, this is what they get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Keep it surface and cordial. DON'T try to tell her how you feel or try to appease her. It won't work. It will make it all worse.

Exactly. OP, you sound like you might be tempted to buy into the drama your MIL loves to create. Don't do it! You can't fix it.

[Anonymous]

Always be polite. Don't let her draw you into a fight or drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always be polite. Don't let her draw you into a fight or drama.

Agree. Kill them with kindness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you are smart to cut such toxicity out of your life. MILs don't have an obligation to "like" DILs, but they do have an obligation to be "nice". Isn't that what we tell our young children? Don't MILs have parents to teach them the basics in life?

I can't imagine having someone 'new' in the family, and not being consistently warm and welcoming - especially if that person never, in actuality, did anything wrong. I think a lot of MILs resent their young DILs for no real reason. Pettiness is not a real reason.

If MILs want to be considered any kind of "matriarch" (vomit) in the family, they need to step it up and act in a graceful manner, consistently (not just for appearances). After all, MILs are *supposed to be* older and wiser. They need to behave accordingly.

So true. Maybe they'll be a whole influx of nice MIL's when our own kids get married, since we all know how it feels to be treated like crap. We could start an entire movement that makes mean MIL's seem rare. AHHHHH.

I seriously can't imagine being anything BUT welcoming to a new member of my family. I have a cousin in his mid-late 20's who is getting married soon, and we have embraced this young lady and treated her with nothing but kindness and respect. I can't imagine doing anything else.

+1000
Because you were raised in a kind and decent home. MIL is from a home where hostility breeds hostility, literally. It is sad to watch, because MIL just gets worse and worse in her old age. Others are figuring out that she is indeed a wolf in sheeps clothing.

We have a great example of what NOT to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you so much for your responses. I hate to think of so many other DIL's experiencing this, but on the flip side, I can't tell you how much it helps to know that there are so many people in similar situations. There have been so many times when I have questioned myself when it comes to MIL. Things like: "Am I being a bitch?" "Am I being too sensitive?" "Maybe I am being controlling...." "Am I jealous?"

It is so rare that I ever have confrontations with anyone. Really, its never. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I'd rather just walk away. The fact that I let MIL get to me for so long is really the only issue. And since I'm no longer emotionally invested in her, my life has been so much less stressful.

Thank you again.

Difficult people never ask themselves these questions. So if you are aware of the fact that you might be hurting feelings, you are already light years ahead of most insensitive people.

+1

+2 Thanks. I feel like I got screwed in the MIL department. I am older and wiser now but when I first got married and had young kids it hurt.

I also empathize with you, OP. I agree with the really helpful responses, after years of having a difficult, self centered, selfish MIL myself. In my case, MIL has the family get together once or twice a year for appearance sake, so she can say who attended. Never a nice word about DH, certainly not me or our children. It's awful. You are not alone. In fact, this thread made my day, thank you.

[Anonymous]

'difficult, self centered, selfish MIL'

I have her too. But my SIL agrees with me, and started putting in the distance years before I realized what she was doing. We have an annual visit, but no more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: 'difficult, self centered, selfish MIL'

I have her too. But my SIL agrees with me, and started putting in the distance years before I realized what she was doing. We have an annual visit, but no more.

Wait, your DH has married brothers?? What a gift to have fellow SIL/DILs that empathize!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you so much for your responses. I hate to think of so many other DIL's experiencing this, but on the flip side, I can't tell you how much it helps to know that there are so many people in similar situations. There have been so many times when I have questioned myself when it comes to MIL. Things like: "Am I being a bitch?" "Am I being too sensitive?" "Maybe I am being controlling...." "Am I jealous?"

It is so rare that I ever have confrontations with anyone. Really, its never. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I'd rather just walk away. The fact that I let MIL get to me for so long is really the only issue. And since I'm no longer emotionally invested in her, my life has been so much less stressful.

Thank you again.

Difficult people never ask themselves these questions. So if you are aware of the fact that you might be hurting feelings, you are already light years ahead of most insensitive people.

I have a nasty MIL, too. Keep reminding yourself that there is a 0% chance that SHE is asking herself these same questions. My MIL has no idea that she hurts me with her continuing pattern of mean spirited behavior. Honestly, the one time I called her on it she was astonished. Now I don't bother. It's not worth it. I just fake it, fake it, fake it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you so much for your responses. I hate to think of so many other DIL's experiencing this, but on the flip side, I can't tell you how much it helps to know that there are so many people in similar situations. There have been so many times when I have questioned myself when it comes to MIL. Things like: "Am I being a bitch?" "Am I being too sensitive?" "Maybe I am being controlling...." "Am I jealous?"

It is so rare that I ever have confrontations with anyone. Really, its never. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I'd rather just walk away. The fact that I let MIL get to me for so long is really the only issue. And since I'm no longer emotionally invested in her, my life has been so much less stressful.

Thank you again.

Difficult people never ask themselves these questions. So if you are aware of the fact that you might be hurting feelings, you are already light years ahead of most insensitive people.

I have a nasty MIL, too. Keep reminding yourself that there is a 0% chance that SHE is asking herself these same questions. My MIL has no idea that she hurts me with her continuing pattern of mean spirited behavior. Honestly, the one time I called her on it she was astonished. Now I don't bother. It's not worth it. I just fake it, fake it, fake it.

+1000

ITA. You can bet MIL does not give a flying care about anyone else. And I would also bet MIL is not used to people calling her on her abhorrent behaviors. Too bad for MIL.