Summer Visit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your only motivation is that your children "deserve a family."

OP, guilt will never, ever, be a good motivation. Ever.

I don't think guilt is an accurate description of my motivation. My children have a relationship with family that is independent from mine and my husband. My MIL is a difficult woman but she does genuinely love my kids. While I dislike my MIL (and I am sure she dislikes me), my children have expressed an interest in knowing and seeing their grandmother, aunts and cousins. I feel that in being a responsible parent part of my job is to put aside my feelings for the sake of their feelings. My MIL is older (DH and I had kids late in life) so she won't be here forever. I would love for my kids to have positive memories of her and to know she loved them. Not sure why you characterize this as guilt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about this: you and DH fly out there for a week. Drop the kids off with grandma and go on a trip nearby for a few days.

I have thought about this. My kids are pretty young and one has Celiac Disease, which my MIL considers an imaginary disease. I know she will feed her food she isn't allowed to eat. It is my one hesitation. My DH and I would love a break though!

DO NOT leave your children with this woman. Visit them for a few days, then have DH join you and enjoy a family vacation around the area. Viola! There you have family memories.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want them to have this kind of family?

This is not on you, it is on your H. If he wants no relationship, there is no relationship. End of story. Your children must have some fantasy in their head of grandparents and cousins and it is just not a reality for them. How did they get this fantasy in the first place? If there is no relationship with your H, and you haven't seen these people in years, how do your kids even have any idea they exist?

For example, my family has been estranged from my father's sister for close to 20 years. My child does not even know she exists, will never meet her, and will likely never know she exists. Because as far as I am concerned, she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Fact: Kids do not need to grow up with some "close" relationship with their cousins, especially ones they never see or interact with.

[Anonymous]

I would only go if we were staying at a hotel and making it a trip to visit family and a trip for us as well. Since your last trip did not go well, I can't imagine flying out only to spend time with them. I would build in time at Disneyland or other places and just let family now which days/evenings etc you are available to get together. I don't think you need to feel guilty for not staying at MIL. Her own son won't even stay or visit so the fact that you are even considering this is enough.

Is there a reason your DH won't even visit?

[Anonymous]

Before I married my husband I would also think it's just what you do, and kids deserve to know family. My family is very tight knit and I couldn't imagine why one WOULDN'T feel obligated to family. But my ILs are different.

I've given up feeling insulted that they don't visit. I put in so much freakin' effort when we visit our (shared) home region. I make sure we aren't too unbalanced between dinners and where we sleep. I make sure we never see my family without seeing theirs, even thought this usually means eliminating time with friends. But I'm done bending over backwards. We ask them to visit. We name 3 out of 4 weekends during a given month and they insist on the 4th, and complain when we say we are booked. They complain about the cost of the car ride to visit. They complain that we are unable to host their dog, for several reasons. They tell us the need downtime on weekends (they are semi retired and aren't very busy people). If they don't put in effort, why should we?

Family goes both ways. I'm guessing you come from a family where you just do what you're "supposed" to do because it's what everyone does for each other. It's hard to get used to a family who doesn't value putting in the effort, but at some point you just have to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your only motivation is that your children "deserve a family."

OP, guilt will never, ever, be a good motivation. Ever.

Agree. I spent every summer till high school visiting my mom's family where I have cousins my age. We got along nicely while we were there, but never spoke to each other unless we were visiting them. They also never EVER visited my family. Once I went to college I was too busy to visit them and I haven't talk to my cousins I'm a free years. Nothing bad happened, we all just have separate lives that don't involve each other. That and I'm not going to make an effort if they never have.

So no matter how much your kids do or don't see their cousins, they probably won't be friends later in life. It's been 4.5 years. You don't even know if they will get along!