"Daddy's not part of our family" (DH working a LOT lately so not home for kids)

[Anonymous]

sorry, DC = DS. And some typos.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be so convinced that this means what you think it means. It sounds like such a terrible statement of loss and abandonment and despair when in fact it might just mean that he is confused about what 'part of the family' means. He might not have a problem with the actual schedule but just think that you aren't part of the family unless you sleep in the same house every night. Unless there are other signs that he is suffering from this schedule, I'd talk about how there are lots of families. Some moms and dads are in the military and gone for months, some moms and dads are no longer together and split custody..whatever the arrangement, it's still 'part of the family'.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell DH, and I'd also think of some ideas as to how to connect DH a bit more with the kids. Maybe he could leave them a note when he gets home that they could read in the morning? Or text a video to your phone?

We do a lot of texting photos back and forth when DH travels so DS, age three, sees Daddy at the airport, etc, and we send a video saying hi.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think DS didn't mean "I feel abandoned by my father and he isn't part of my life," but rather "Dad doesn't have dinner with us." Four year olds are pretty concrete. Instead, if you had asked him "Who loves you?" he might have dropped off the fish and included his Dad. The four year old may or may not even think it is a problem that he isn't seeing has dad that much right now - it might not even occur to him. He is using words the best he can and describing things he sees. I would tell your son that Dad IS part of the family, and will always be. Have your kid think of other people who are part of the family (grandparents, etc) who you don't see every day. Talk about love and care making family.

[Anonymous]

As a kid, my dad took a job that involved both a lot of travel and a lot of long days where he left before I was up and got home after I was asleep. One of the things he did was leave me notes or other little things on my placemat. Even just a hotel pad where he'd written "I'll take you to gymnastics Saturday, Love Dad", or "Here's a pretty leaf I found, Love Dad". I left things for him too.

By the time I was in third grade my behavior was shit, and in general, my mother had lost control over the household. My father changed jobs to one with much less travel. Order was restored.

[Anonymous]

Sure go ahead and tell him and see if you can facilitate some one on one time between the kids and you DH when work life get back to normal.

But seriously, does anyone else think you and most of the PPs are over thinking and projecting your own feelings onto this one comment? This morning my three and half year old told me "mommy you are not my friend, only daddy". I am not particularly crestfallen over this because I know tonight it will be "daddy, you are not my friend, only mommy" because that is how it went the night before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure go ahead and tell him and see if you can facilitate some one on one time between the kids and you DH when work life get back to normal.

But seriously, does anyone else think you and most of the PPs are over thinking and projecting your own feelings onto this one comment? This morning my three and half year old told me "mommy you are not my friend, only daddy". I am not particularly crestfallen over this because I know tonight it will be "daddy, you are not my friend, only mommy" because that is how it went the night before.

OP again - Unfortunately, it's not just this one comment. The kids (well, maybe not the 16 month old so much) have been asking for Daddy and wondering where he's been pretty steadily this week. I can tell the difference between the usual "Mommy, you're not my friend" and DS's comments this morning (this was just the one that really struck home to me).

I've been easing up on what I tell DH (just "yeah, the kids definitely miss you"), but it's been steadily getting harder for the kids. DD cries (actual tears) for "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy" over and over while going to sleep and just waking up. DS (4) has started asking how many more days until we see Daddy, asking if he's coming home tonight, or if we can go see him, etc. A couple of meltdowns over "I want to see Daddy... why can't I see Daddy..." I feel so bad for them.


I'm mostly worried that this statement was the turning point and DS just gave up on having Daddy around.

And of course I could definitely be over thinking too!


Thanks for all the different perspectives!

[Anonymous]

This situation should set off some alarm bells for you OP. Where you take it from here varies. As that lady said in that play....."Attention must be paid!"