My husband's drinking worries me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman drinking 3 glasses of wine a day, you are definitely a very heavy drinker/functional alcoholic, PP.

Highly Functional Alcoholic. That's just a made up phrase for someone who drinks more than what "other people think" they should despite displaying no negative results from it. If someone can drink three glasses of wine a day while having a good job and a happy family and a fulfilled life then why must they be labeled this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman drinking 3 glasses of wine a day, you are definitely a very heavy drinker/functional alcoholic, PP.

NP, and no PP, that is not even close to functional alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

How much of a defensive "wall" does he have built up around this habit?

I know you said he gets defensive, but how defensive?

Like-- irritated that you're "nagging" him defensive, or on the other hand, "I-have-this-completely-rationalized" defensive?

I ask because I was in a long-term relationship with a man whose drinking habits were similar, except the quantity was greater (8 glasses of wine in a couple of hours; bad hangover the next day; etc.). When I asked him about it, he had many rationalizations: he's never missed a day of work due to drinking, he's never driven drunk, drinking makes him happy, the hangover is worth it, dropping the habit is out of the question because it's just fun to "get wasted." He had such a huge wall of rationalizations built up around it that I realized it was really a major problem for him.

Anyway I"m wondering if your husband is at that point, or if he's still going down the road toward it and might be more open to counseling of some kind. At any rate, I would recommend al-anon for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman drinking 3 glasses of wine a day, you are definitely a very heavy drinker/functional alcoholic, PP.

NP, and no PP, that is not even close to functional alcoholism.

Said the alcoholic...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman drinking 3 glasses of wine a day, you are definitely a very heavy drinker/functional alcoholic, PP.

Highly Functional Alcoholic. That's just a made up phrase for someone who drinks more than what "other people think" they should despite displaying no negative results from it. If someone can drink three glasses of wine a day while having a good job and a happy family and a fulfilled life then why must they be labeled this way?

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman drinking 3 glasses of wine a day, you are definitely a very heavy drinker/functional alcoholic, PP.

NP, and no PP, that is not even close to functional alcoholism.

Said the alcoholic...

Said the non-drama queen

[Anonymous]

I don't know about alcoholic but three beers a day, every day is sure a lot of extra calories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about alcoholic but three beers a day, every day is sure a lot of extra calories.

Yes, I don't know if that much qualifies someone to be an alcoholic or not -- or at least alcoholic dependent. I would say it's not a good sign but it may be that they're not dependent on alcohol. However, with regards to one's overall health, that's a lot of alcohol to be pouring into your body if you're drinking like that every day. I'd warn against drinking that much just as I would warn against eating slabs of butter on all your food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman drinking 3 glasses of wine a day, you are definitely a very heavy drinker/functional alcoholic, PP.

NP, and no PP, that is not even close to functional alcoholism.

Defining oneself as an alcoholic is very personal and based on many things. I'm not going to say that 3 drinks a day makes anyone an alcoholic. But 21 drinks per week is definitely on the right end of the bell curve and can be classified as "heavy drinker" when viewed in relation to others.

[Anonymous]

Alcohol changes people. So tired of the excuse, "I need alcohol to relax" or "I need alcohol to socialize". Alcohol is a liquid drug and after more than a few drinks you are binge drinking. Most people don't recognize their use of this liquid drug as abuse because binge drinking or drinking every free chance is so common place.

[Anonymous]

North Americans are VERY uptight about alcohol. Not speaking about OPs husband, who does sound like he might have an issue, but to those saying three glasses of wine makes someone a functional alcoholic - you're just straight-up wrong. Most of Europe and South America has 3 drinks/day, women included. I know a doctor who practices in Europe and the standard there before they even say you have to start to worry is more than 3 drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman drinking 3 glasses of wine a day, you are definitely a very heavy drinker/functional alcoholic, PP.

Highly Functional Alcoholic. That's just a made up phrase for someone who drinks more than what "other people think" they should despite displaying no negative results from it. If someone can drink three glasses of wine a day while having a good job and a happy family and a fulfilled life then why must they be labeled this way?

I agree.

+1

I'm on the "right end" of the bell curve, for sure, but a whole bottle in a night is more than I can really handle now (late 40s). Getting buzzed is wonderful; getting really drunk isn't.

This has never caused an issue for me - in relationships or otherwise - but I made good and sure, like in the first coupla three dates, to tell any prospective partner "I'm a lush, and I'm quite happy that way, and have no intention of changing". Having grown up around a few *real* alcoholics, I'm quite well aware of the danger and what it looks like in practice.

I've also seen the completely unbalanced response many children of real alcoholics have to drinking of any kind, and I'm not even remotely interested in doing that dance with them. The anxiety I pick up on emanating from those folks generally (not always) drives me away before it ever gets to the point of dating, but one or two have slipped through. A couple have later said "you're not as big a drinker as I thought" but I won't be policed and if they're gonna have an issue, they might as well see it right off the bat.

The pathologizing has far more to do with their discomfort and anxiety than it does with the drinker.

DW was treated the same way - told her I was a lush the second date (at a wine bar) - she said that was a relief and we have no conflict over this. She's an MD and says everyone underreports grossly anyway, so if I reported the way most people do, I'd be closer to the middle of the curve.

[Anonymous]

PP @16:07 again...

To the OP: stop thinking the alcohol is the problem - it's not. The fact that your husband gets aggressive/obnoxious (drunk or not) is the problem. Avoidant behavior - if he is really hiding from you/life by playing video games - is a problem (posting on DCUM too much is a problem for me).

Of course, if you're studying him looking for things to be a problem, then his annoyance might lead (quite reasonably) to this reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say if it is the beginning of a bigger problem or not.

I would explain to him how the drinking affects you and your family. Let him know that you see behavior changes.

As a recovering alcoholic, I can say that nagging about it usually does not help. If you are really concerned, try attending a couple of Al-anon meetings. That is probably the most helpful advice you will find.

You've got 2 issues - his drinking and a grown man playing video games.

Drinking yes.

Video Games?...Hmm. Depends I guess. If he is spending every night playing Call of Duty, that is strange. But Video Games were a large part of a lot of people today who are adults.

But I guess some people must stick with tradition. Get out of school, get a job, get married, have two kids, start playing golf, get boring, and die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:North Americans are VERY uptight about alcohol. Not speaking about OPs husband, who does sound like he might have an issue, but to those saying three glasses of wine makes someone a functional alcoholic - you're just straight-up wrong. Most of Europe and South America has 3 drinks/day, women included. I know a doctor who practices in Europe and the standard there before they even say you have to start to worry is more than 3 drinks.

Are you sure you're not thinking about the British measurement of "units" of alcohol? Because I've seen people discuss that before as if one unit equals one drink when in reality a unit is smaller than an individual drink and three units is significantly less than three drinks.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/what-is-alcohol/what-is-an-alcohol-unit

The government advises that people should not regularly drink more than 3-4 units of alcohol a day for men (equivalent to a pint and a half of 4% beer) and 2-3 units for women (equivalent to a 175 ml glass of wine). 'Regularly' means drinking alcohol every day or most days of the week.