DH makes no effort to spend time with me

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW who loves nothing more than Netflix on the couch or decompressing on my laptop after a long day. I'm a bit of a homebody, but so is my DH, so we enjoy doing these things side by side. To me that's togetherness, though we do talk over dinner or might discuss the movie we've just watched.

Have you talked to your DH about your dissatisfaction? Does he know that you are wanting to spend more time together, or that you are in need of a different kind of togetherness than he has been offering?

Does he ever initiate cuddling or affection? How about sex?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am your DH. Married for over 20 years and the reason I don't spend time with her is because she has turned into her father - critical, controlling, and belittling. it is torture to have to walk on eggshells where anything can lead to her displeasure.

In a sense, she behaves like the stereotypical angry husband. I do not know if this is the case with your man, but try to objectively look at how you treat him.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he feels "attentioned-out" after a long day of paying attention to people. So, having to pay attention to you is just another thing on his list of chores and paying attention to everyone but himself. Maybe you could leave the house - with the kids if there are any - and leave him by himself. But you can't do it with the expectation of him paying attention to you later. The pressure to pay attention to you will make him less likely to want to.

[Anonymous]

In this hypothetical day where he's just worked a full day and then gone out to dinner with you, when has he gotten any kind of down time on his own? Some people really need that, they can't be on for other people every waking moment of the day. I would feel more sympathetic to you if you said he'd come home from work and immediately did this without giving you any attention at all, but he'd just spent dinner paying attention to you, maybe he needs his break from the world.

[Anonymous]

You just said that you had a nice time at dinner. Why do you want more attention after that? Give the guy a break.

[Anonymous]

It's probably not the attention alone - she probably wants him to want to pay attention to her. So, when he immediately checks out after dinner, it makes her feel like maybe he was just going through the motions at dinner -- undoing all of the positives of that dinner.

[Anonymous]

I think that he has what is known best as "The Seven Year Itch."

There was actually a movie made about this in the mid-50's starring Marilyn Monroe...You know...The ONE where she wore the white dress and stepped on the wind grate and her dress blew up, etc.

Anyway, watch it and you will see what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably not the attention alone - she probably wants him to want to pay attention to her. So, when he immediately checks out after dinner, it makes her feel like maybe he was just going through the motions at dinner -- undoing all of the positives of that dinner.

\

I think if you're setting the bar for proving love and affection that high, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably not the attention alone - she probably wants him to want to pay attention to her. So, when he immediately checks out after dinner, it makes her feel like maybe he was just going through the motions at dinner -- undoing all of the positives of that dinner.

\

I think if you're setting the bar for proving love and affection that high, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Sounds like when men get upset that their women are bored or aren't that into it during sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just said that you had a nice time at dinner. Why do you want more attention after that? Give the guy a break.

How DARE you rain on OP's pity party! Don't you know it's ALL ABOUT HER? That's what DCUM is for! Not for personal responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just said that you had a nice time at dinner. Why do you want more attention after that? Give the guy a break.

How DARE you rain on OP's pity party! Don't you know it's ALL ABOUT HER? That's what DCUM is for! Not for personal responsibility.

Oh gosh. Keep trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably not the attention alone - she probably wants him to want to pay attention to her. So, when he immediately checks out after dinner, it makes her feel like maybe he was just going through the motions at dinner -- undoing all of the positives of that dinner.

\

I think if you're setting the bar for proving love and affection that high, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Sounds like when men get upset that their women are bored or aren't that into it during sex.

I don't know that I'd quite make that comparison. To me it sounds more like when a woman is having enthusiastic sex with her husband a few times a week, and instead of enjoying that he's pouting that he's not getting it more often.

[Anonymous]

7 year itch
15 year itch
20 year itch

Then gradually it starts to subside and by year 25, if you make it there, things turn and you realize that person you married is in fact your best friend.

Or maybe not. Life is a gamble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably not the attention alone - she probably wants him to want to pay attention to her. So, when he immediately checks out after dinner, it makes her feel like maybe he was just going through the motions at dinner -- undoing all of the positives of that dinner.

\

I think if you're setting the bar for proving love and affection that high, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Sounds like when men get upset that their women are bored or aren't that into it during sex.

I don't know that I'd quite make that comparison. To me it sounds more like when a woman is having enthusiastic sex with her husband a few times a week, and instead of enjoying that he's pouting that he's not getting it more often.

No but some of them complain that "my wife wasn't into sex", it's only "duty" or "pity" sex. Wah wah wah. OP's complaint sounds much more legitimate, imo.

[Anonymous]

For some people, this casual behavior is viewed as a part of intimacy. Not wearing make up or putting on your favorite sweatshirt from college, these are seen as a lack of pretense. Some behaviors are more welcome than others, I guess.

Maybe he doesn't see snuggle time on the sofa with you and Netflix as "not paying attention" to you?

The behavior in an of itself isn't wrong. Why not examine the meaning you attach to it before speaking with him about it? Again, what you see as a lack of effort, he may see as proof of a close marriage.