Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You also need to come to peace with your relocation here. I doubt it was to be by MIL, but whatever set of reasons they are done and you need to make the best of it. Without prissy MIL and her games.

I know. This is actually the second time I have lived here, so I knew what I was getting into. My husband lost his job when our son was 2 months old so we got backed into a corner a bit. We will be here for 18 more months before a transfer, then I guess it won't be a problem anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I admire that you still pursue her company despite her not liking you. Honestly, I would be psyched if my mean MIL never visited us.

Well, I sit through an awkward dinner once every 6 weeks and drop him off on the rate occasions they want to see him. I make my husband do as much as possible. He works a lot. If it were up to me I'd never see her again, but I can't take away the only grandparent DS has in the area, no matter how infrequently they request his company.

I think you're doing plenty, OP. Leave it at that…and, frankly, from the behavior you've described on her part, I don't think a relationship is necessarily the best thing for your kid anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have close by ILs/grandparents that don't act the part, either. It really is their own loss. In MILs case, SILs wore her out. Sorry to hear there are other ILs/grandparents like this, but you can't force it.

Some people are just selfish.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry to hear that, OP. It's hard knowing that a grandparent is missing out on such a great kid. My ILs have declined our offer to fly them out to meet their newest grandchild - mostly because FIL is annoyed with DH and somehow that turns into MIL not being allowed to come either. I think it sucks. DH is really bummed about it. But we offered, they declined, and other than offer again in a couple years, I don't think there's much else we can do.

[Anonymous]

This really has been helpful. I'm going to consider them h

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This really has been helpful. I'm going to consider them h

Holiday and vacation grandparents and anything else is a bonus. He's the only grandchild right now so at least he gets all attention then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't push relationships. If my father (who is angry at me for not being friends with his ex-wife (who is not my mother)) wants to spend time with my daughters then he can reach out. The kids will be fine not having a relationship with him. They have people of all generations in their lives.

Sometimes family is the family you're born into and sometimes it's the family you create among friends.

I know, it's just so hard. I left my friends and family and have really struggled here. I just want my son to have a living family. I had a flaky grandma and it really hurt me.

If you were hurt by a flaky granny, then it's because your parents were giving you too much info. Instead of "Susie, Granny's coming today! Oops, I guess she forgot/was busy..." they should have been all "Oh my gosh Susie, look! Granny's here!" Then you'd just have been happy to see her when she showed up.

Oh, please! You can't blame her parents. Kids figure it out and ask questions. I'm not estranged from my brother but he has no interest in having a relationship with my family. We last saw him and his family about 6 years ago. His wife sent lovely holiday gifts, though. My ds (who could care less about the gifts) could only ask why his uncle doesn't want a relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

I think your expectations are a bit high: a set schedule!
My kid is older and sees my folks quite often, but I think my mother would look at me cross-eyed if I suggested they have a set schedule. MIL may have other things to do, plus you already said she was a bit of a pill, so count yourself lucky you do not have to see her on a regularly scheduled basis.

[Anonymous]

Don't push it too much. I have lovely inlaws, who are just so different from my parents (also different culture, different religion). They love our children and also do say they miss them when they don't see them. They live in town but have been away on an assignment for 2 years. When they come to visit, they stop by to see the kids briefly and usually want to go out to dinner with all of us (yet do not react well when the young children can't behave like proper adults in a restaurant and discuss politics, etc.) They buy things for the kids, etc., but usually don't spend quality time. I don't want my children to feel that their grandparents don't love them. They are just formal people who chose to have only one child themselves -- they are not very patient with kids and bore easily of playing with children. They will be much more engaged when the kids can discuss the NY times or the new Yorker. Again, they are good people, but good for different things. Even when they are in town and we have a date, which is rare, we hire a sitter. Kids have more fun and no one is resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your expectations are a bit high: a set schedule!
My kid is older and sees my folks quite often, but I think my mother would look at me cross-eyed if I suggested they have a set schedule. MIL may have other things to do, plus you already said she was a bit of a pill, so count yourself lucky you do not have to see her on a regularly scheduled basis.

I tried both ways, it didn't make a difference. MIL has 1 friend and no hobbies, though she is a champion napper. She just doesn't have the energy or desire for more contact. This thread has helped me see that.

[Anonymous]

MIL has 5 kids and is awful with children. Imagine!

[Anonymous]

Her loss. Bottom line, she's as involved as she wants to be.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's her loss, and that it will bother you and bother your child as much as you let it. Family is great until it's not. Other people can be part of your child's extended "family" and if you don't show that MIL's coldness bothers you, it won't bother your kid either. Sad for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you explain a little more?

MIL calls to see grandson every 6-8 weeks and rebuffs any invites to do activities with us (she has gone out with us to do something twice in 2.5 years)

Does she offer to do something specific and you counter-offer and she's not interested? Do you ask her if she has any ideas before you offer something? Or does she just call to say she wants to see him, but when you say "Great! What works for you?" she drifts into "I dunno . . . ."?

[Anonymous]

My MIL lives nearby but never does anything with the kids. Just let it go, is what I say. I know how you feel, but you can't force it.

I used to gently invite my MIL over, ask if we could stop by, or invite her on outings. She always said no. She has a complicated history with her son, and hates that he's with me, and she's a colossal narcissist. She seems to have no desire for a relationship with her only grandchildren. In front of other people she puts on a show, and will brag about the kids' achievements and looks, but there's zero interaction or caring with the actual kids.

I feel sad for my kids missing out on the kind of wonderful grandparents I had, but you can't force people, and you should not try. The longer I know her, the more I start to think it's for the best that she's not around filling their heads with her twisted ideas.