Relationship with SIL

[Anonymous]

my dad gave me this advice the night before my wedding

you have to be polite, civil, and kind to your in laws. you don't have to be best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your Husband say? It's his sister and he owns the relationship. Does he care about any of this? If he does then he should reach out to her and find out what is going on. He could also talk with his parents and ask them what the deal is. You should stay out of it.

This. There was little mention of DH in your post and this is his family

[Anonymous]

^ This. Take every situation as if comes.

Don't try to generalize.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, that's tough. But, I actually doubt it has anything to do with you. The lack of relationship with the children and failure to invite to family events suggests to me that the issue is between her and her brother. If it was just that she didn't like you, she'd still want to see her brother and his kids.

Have you ever asked your husband about it? What was their relationship like before you came around?

Anyway, I'd stop reaching out. I think it's clear she's not interested in a relationship with you, but my gut is that it's because of your husband, not you. If anyone should reach out to her, it should be her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a difficult SIL relationship too. Luckily my brother and I have a great relationship and she is a non-factor in our sibling relationship. Luckily my niece and nephew are of the age they have cell phones so we communicate often. SIL is difficult with my parents and sister too, so it's her rejection of us. My parents take it personally because they do so much for SIL and their grandchildren, but SIL has no respect or appreciation. Every time I see SIL, I act (yes, pretend) like she's the greatest, to keep the peace, but know in the back of my mind she is not who I would have picked for my brother. Luckily, he has to live with her and I don't.

Good luck and hang in there. Just understand, it is what it is and may never change.

I wondered if this were about me when I read it!! DH's family has done a ton for us, and I never feel like my expressions of gratitude and kindness are enough - like they're not satisfied with it. A big part of it is that they are a very expressive, living family- much different than my own. I never quite realized how introverted I was until we got married. I find the closeness and constant contact exhausting. I love his family but cannot keep up, so sometimes I stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a difficult SIL relationship too. Luckily my brother and I have a great relationship and she is a non-factor in our sibling relationship. Luckily my niece and nephew are of the age they have cell phones so we communicate often. SIL is difficult with my parents and sister too, so it's her rejection of us. My parents take it personally because they do so much for SIL and their grandchildren, but SIL has no respect or appreciation. Every time I see SIL, I act (yes, pretend) like she's the greatest, to keep the peace, but know in the back of my mind she is not who I would have picked for my brother. Luckily, he has to live with her and I don't.

Good luck and hang in there. Just understand, it is what it is and may never change.

I wondered if this were about me when I read it!! DH's family has done a ton for us, and I never feel like my expressions of gratitude and kindness are enough - like they're not satisfied with it. A big part of it is that they are a very expressive, living family- much different than my own. I never quite realized how introverted I was until we got married. I find the closeness and constant contact exhausting. I love his family but cannot keep up, so sometimes I stop trying.

That's enough. Your introversion is part of what attracted DH to you. Read. "Quiet" by Susan Cain.

[Anonymous]

You choose your friends, but not your family. Some believe cordial and polite is better. For the sake of long-term. Not confidants. Family is forever. Many people don't want drama, or a relationship blowing-up in their face. It means the relationship skims-along-the-surface without getting too deep, and for many people, that works for them.

Op, I think you need to step-back especially because the brother-sister relationship is much more important than you-and-SIL.

[Anonymous]

Op, when you say SIL shares nothing - are you sure she's not mentioning it to your DH and he just forgets to mention it to you?

The "events", news of the pregnancy, etc. I could totally see this happening. Sis thinks Mom would have mentioned it your DH OR Sis mentions it to her brother (DH), but he tunes it out.

I have 3 SILs and they all operate differently. One of them expects our family news to be shared among our family - - only problem is the men don't share the news.

[Anonymous]

I understand what you are going through OP.
It looks like she doesn't like you or has something against your husband and you.
Maybe your MIL and FIL know why she's so cold.
Maybe it's something you've done without realizing it would upset her and she never forgave you ?

If nothing can be done, just let it go. And concentrate on friends around you, I'm sure they're worth it. Good luck !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, that's tough. But, I actually doubt it has anything to do with you. The lack of relationship with the children and failure to invite to family events suggests to me that the issue is between her and her brother. If it was just that she didn't like you, she'd still want to see her brother and his kids.

Have you ever asked your husband about it? What was their relationship like before you came around?

Anyway, I'd stop reaching out. I think it's clear she's not interested in a relationship with you, but my gut is that it's because of your husband, not you. If anyone should reach out to her, it should be her brother.

+1

My SILs are like this. DH can't do enough for one of them. DH finally blamed me for laying off SIL (from his company) - because the company execs wanted it so much, yet he still needed a scapegoat (long story, there is abuse in his family). He needed an excuse, so I told him to use me. But I think the SILs had issues with me before that.

Are you very different from them, OP (mentally, physically, upbringing, more)? Do you think they are threatened by that?

I feel bad for DH, because MIL encourages any hard feelings. They try to come across as one way, but instead, come across as cold, calculating, insulated and antagonistic. My family is completely different, so it took some getting used to - though I don't know if I will ever be accustomed to it, it's draining. MIL does a lot of things for bragging rights, and just is not into anything with her heart. It's kind of depressing.

DH gets left out of everything. One year, they booked an extra beach week, purposefully not telling DH. This year, they ignored DH's texts, emails, and voicemails to join in on MIL's birthday celebration. Of course they flaunt it afterward. It's bad.

Point is, it probably is not you, OP. The situation existed years before you, I would bet. It did not matter who you were, they were going to find fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close relationship with my SIL. I have tried over the years but it seems to go ignored and is never reciprocated. I go back and forth on whether I want to keep trying (I hate the idea of not having a good relationship and/or having tension) or just recognize that we will never have a good relationship and just give up trying.

I would reach out to her and she would always ignore me, never respond. Eventually, I stopped reaching out because it got to the point where I was getting hurt/resentful over constantly being ignored.

I believe she (and possibly her DH) have not spoken highly of us to their friends and family. Recently, my MIL and FIL have made comments that lead us to believe they are saying things about us that aren't true or just make us look bad. My DH and I have never spoken negatively about her or DH to my in-laws.

We are never included in family events she hosts. Events that family members travel out of state to attend we will not be invited to or invited only days before. They either say nothing as if its normal to not invite us, invite last minute or tell us they didn't want us to feel obligated to come.

She shares nothing with us about her or her children. We have no relationship with our niece and nephew and she has not relationship with our children. She didn't even tell us she was pregnant until she was 6 months along with her second. I don't know if she was just going to tell us when the baby was born?

What would you do? Start trying to reach out and see if she starts responding? I haven't done this in awhile so maybe there is a change of heart? Give up? Something else? I feel like my ILs notice the tension and although they don't say it I think they blame me for it.

In a way, your relationship with your SIL is a forced one by family. It is great that you are trying to foster something good. It seems that in absence of any other information, this is one relationship you simply have to drop. Nevertheless, it is troubling that there is some unknown source of tension. Is the SIL your husband's sister or is it your husband's brother's wife, or is it your brother's wife? The source of this rumermongering and the underlying reason for it should be a higher priority. You AND your husband need to address this because it can have real consequences in the future if not already.

[Anonymous]

Does SIL have many friends of her own? This may explain a lot. Most of my SILs friends are those made by her sister (other SIL) - so it told me she was not the warm and fuzzy type. She does a lot of "cornering" she she talks to you, it is hard to explain, but it is the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. Other people have seen it, too.

Does she lack social skills, OP?