Husband who hates hosting

[Anonymous]

I hate having other people's kids in my house too.

We host without kids frequently. When it is with kids they are the couple friends with calm, well-mannered kids. There are some friends kids I'd never host.

[Anonymous]

Some people are not hosts. I'm one of them. Home is my sanctuary. I socialize off-premises.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds mental.

[Anonymous]

This would drive me nuts, OP. Fussy women are bad enough, but there is something about fussy men that is 10 times worse. If he's acting put-out and rude to your guests, there's really nothing you can do other than not host. Maybe have people over when he is out of town?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I read him the riot act. Seriously.

It happened recently, when a friend we had invited, who knows very well that we keep a shoeless house, ran across the whole first floor chasing after the kids in play. He had forgotten, which once in a while is not a huge deal for me.

But DH, who never likes to host, was super grumpy about it and blamed this whole incident on me, pulled his immature blackmail such as "I'm not helping you clean up", etc. Boy was he in trouble the next few days after that!

I'm the PP who wrote the above. My kids are 4 and 9. There is a difference between enforcing house rules and not being welcoming. In my circle, all the parents have the following rules:
- eat only at the table.
- wash your hands before and after eating.
- don't play on the stairs
- don't closed door
- say hello, please, thank you and goodbye
- share toys

Sometimes you do have to clean up before your guests leave. Sometimes you do have to discipline one or more kids. But the point is to do it gracefully.
There are children whose behavior is so out of order that I would never welcome them into my house. Therefore, I don't invite random parents and kids from school that I don't know at all. I hang around at drop off or pick-up to see what the kid is like, or try to talk with the parents. Our playdates have all gone smoothly, apart from that one little boy who tried to rappel from the upper landing and left a permanent mark on the railing - but in light of what could have happened, no big deal!

[Anonymous]

"don't closed door " should be "don't open closed doors"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are not hosts. I'm one of them. Home is my sanctuary. I socialize off-premises.

Then you should never ever accept invites to parties at other peoples homes.

I don't understand that mentality. We throw large annual gatherings. Lots of people. Many of whom never reciprocate. Our list evolves over the years as a result of that. We like to be guests sometimes too-not just be the ones doing the work and footing the bill.

[Anonymous]

I would start ignoring him, maybe even joke about it to friend's beforehand, or even at the party. Like, "Look, we even have a built in maid service!" or something. Like I would not let it get to me and let him realize how ridiculous he is looking to guests. It will put the guests at ease and make him realize that the guests aren't the ones out of line, it's him.

[Anonymous]

What about inviting one family at a time? I can see where a bunch of wild kids seems overwhelming (not saying they are wild, just that your husband perceives it that way).

I also like the idea of "hosting" off-site. Meetup at a park and bring snacks/drinks/games. In winter, you could do this at a soft playroom or other indoor space.

Or just send your husband out for the day and have people over. If he's not there to see it, he wont get stressed about it. That doesn't help you in couple socializing, but if you're building those relationships it's better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start ignoring him, maybe even joke about it to friend's beforehand, or even at the party. Like, "Look, we even have a built in maid service!" or something. Like I would not let it get to me and let him realize how ridiculous he is looking to guests. It will put the guests at ease and make him realize that the guests aren't the ones out of line, it's him.

Yup, nothing builds a marriage like publicly mocking your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Your husband may be suffering from OCD and/or just be a control freak like me.

For people w/Type A personalities like us, it is very stressful to have other people in our personal space. It just is. We do not mean to be rude nor do we want to be that way, but we just cannot help ourselves.

I am a neat freak + just the thought of having a few people in my home freaks the hell out of me. These people could potentially break something of mine which would cause a meltdown since I treasure my possessions so much. And God forbid if anyone spills red wine of my sofa or carpeting or favorite rug!

Then these same guests all will be using my restroom. Ugh how unsanitary!

Anyway, back to your husband's issue, you are correct. If you do not reciprocate, then your invites will dry up quickly.

A good compromise would be to either host an outdoor shindig/bar-be-que outdoors when the weather is warm and keep everything in your backyard (if you have one.)

Or maybe host the same type of event at a local park or beach area.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

So what if they make a mess? Does that mean that you can never, ever clean it up?

And it's fine to tell kids it's time to clean up. You go in and supervise the clean up. I did it many times when we hosted younger kids.

Don't start of with dinners with those you don't know. Start of with daytime play dates one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband may be suffering from OCD and/or just be a control freak like me.

For people w/Type A personalities like us, it is very stressful to have other people in our personal space. It just is. We do not mean to be rude nor do we want to be that way, but we just cannot help ourselves.

I am a neat freak + just the thought of having a few people in my home freaks the hell out of me. These people could potentially break something of mine which would cause a meltdown since I treasure my possessions so much. And God forbid if anyone spills red wine of my sofa or carpeting or favorite rug!

Then these same guests all will be using my restroom. Ugh how unsanitary!

Anyway, back to your husband's issue, you are correct. If you do not reciprocate, then your invites will dry up quickly.

A good compromise would be to either host an outdoor shindig/bar-be-que outdoors when the weather is warm and keep everything in your backyard (if you have one.)

Or maybe host the same type of event at a local park or beach area.

You need medication.

And the whole host people elsewhere is weird. If you have a home, I am going to wonder why you don't host there and it's awkward to host at a restaurant or park. Been to those and it's just weird. No one is really that comfortable.

[Anonymous]

14:35 here. OK, I get that you want to host play dates, but having a few families with toddlers over for pizza and playing is not really a play date. It's a party, especially if you're inviting both parents of each family. With toddlers you really have to keep the food in one room and you have to encourage the kids to sit at a table. You think they need to range around with the food to feel comfortable? No. It needs to be confined.

Actual play dates at the toddler age need involve just one oarent per kid and you don't need pizza because it should be pretty short - an hour or two.

It sounds like your social goals diverge from those of your husband somewhat. Have you discussed this with him? That might be part of the issue.