Sad for my kids - and me

[Anonymous]

OP, why did the in laws encourage him to leave you and the kids? What were his reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP. Yes, I got us on medicaid, and we do go to a super church where my kids are very involved. While church is a great source of support, I am loathe to burden anyone with how difficult this is. I feel like I get so much already, that I have to put on a positive face (especially in front of the kids - who always seem to be with me) and reassure everyone that we are fine. It's a large, liberal congregation, but everyone has their own stressors, right?

Just FML. I'm grateful to have a house to stay in, rather than having to take them to a shelter. But it's not a home. And I can't give that to them right now. And I did shell out for an attny to make sure that once STBX (former decent earner) would pay support. But he's turned into such a wild card that it's pretty much all on me.

OP, I do have stressors, it's true, but I would be happy to help you and I think most anyone at my church would want to do so as well if they had the ability. You shouldn't be afraid to ask for help, even if its just gifts for the kids. Some day when you are in the position to help others, I'm sure you will pay it forward.

Talk to your pastor. Wishing you peace, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have to hide things from the older kids, especially the one in high school. Give them some credit, don't keep them out of the loop and let them help you.

I'm not hiding anything, but I am certainly not going to vent to them about what a dick their father is, or how tough it is for me to go through this. Or how much I paid an attorney so that there is a chance their father will support them. They already see that he doesn't call, or arrange visits, but I'm not going to point out that he's out hiking and hanging out with his buddies. My job as a mom is to let THEM be sad, help them through it, give them a peaceful, consistent environment, and tell them that while life is tough right now, we will be ok. They do see me get sad and angry, but they need to know that they can count on me 100%. So yes, I need to protect them from certain things. It is not their job to help me, it is their job to do well in school, keep on track, and trust me.

You sound like an amazing mom! Huge hugs OP ! Thanks for this I'm afraid I'm heading there sooner than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why did the in laws encourage him to leave you and the kids? What were his reasons?

Thanks to all the PPs. It has been an epically rotten day. But tomorrow will be better, I hope.

My ILs are dry drunks, passive aggressive, and STBX comes from a very dysfunctional family. He had it together when we married, but things started unraveling about 8 years in. (married 17) He has some serious mental health issues (bi-polar, adhd) and avoids treatment. He left after I told him treatment or out. The situation was getting scary and was very unhealthy. He choose to leave. As to why my ILs encouraged him leaving is beyond me. Except that maybe my efforts to get him help would force them to look at themselves? Who knows. Can't go down that rabbit hole.

And yes, I am going to lean on my church folks more than I have. I think it's a pride thing that i have to get over. Not easy to admit your life brings you to tears on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Best of luck OP. Hang in there *hugs*

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. But it will get better.

This too shall pass, right?

Is there any way you get get a few days away w/o the kids? Throw them on the ex, leave them w/ grandparents while you get time away with a friend or sibling? It may do wonders.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Why did he leave you?

[Anonymous]

You and your family are in my thoughts OP! You sound like a wonderful mother- your children are fortunate to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have to hide things from the older kids, especially the one in high school. Give them some credit, don't keep them out of the loop and let them help you.

I'm not hiding anything, but I am certainly not going to vent to them about what a dick their father is, or how tough it is for me to go through this. Or how much I paid an attorney so that there is a chance their father will support them. They already see that he doesn't call, or arrange visits, but I'm not going to point out that he's out hiking and hanging out with his buddies. My job as a mom is to let THEM be sad, help them through it, give them a peaceful, consistent environment, and tell them that while life is tough right now, we will be ok. They do see me get sad and angry, but they need to know that they can count on me 100%. So yes, I need to protect them from certain things. It is not their job to help me, it is their job to do well in school, keep on track, and trust me.

You sound like an amazing mom! Huge hugs OP ! Thanks for this I'm afraid I'm heading there sooner than later.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Best of luck OP. I wish you weren't going through this. I think the love that you have for your kids will carry them through these tough times, and I hope that things get better for you all soon.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Divorce sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But things "will" get better. Maybe slowly, but surely, they will. Surround yourself with supportive, healthy people. Don't be afraid to lean on some. If you were my friend, I'd definitely help out. And I'm sure down the road you will help others as they need it. That's what friends are for.

Best wishes for a much better 2015 for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why did the in laws encourage him to leave you and the kids? What were his reasons?

Thanks to all the PPs. It has been an epically rotten day. But tomorrow will be better, I hope.

My ILs are dry drunks, passive aggressive, and STBX comes from a very dysfunctional family. He had it together when we married, but things started unraveling about 8 years in. (married 17) He has some serious mental health issues (bi-polar, adhd) and avoids treatment. He left after I told him treatment or out. The situation was getting scary and was very unhealthy. He choose to leave. As to why my ILs encouraged him leaving is beyond me. Except that maybe my efforts to get him help would force them to look at themselves? Who knows. Can't go down that rabbit hole.

And yes, I am going to lean on my church folks more than I have. I think it's a pride thing that i have to get over. Not easy to admit your life brings you to tears on a regular basis.

Life puts you on your knees . Some people don't get it till the deathbed , most get it earlier. Jesus says " bring it here .. I want that. And I will give you eternal life and a friend that will never leave you. "

No better place to be.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why did the in laws encourage him to leave you and the kids? What were his reasons?

Thanks to all the PPs. It has been an epically rotten day. But tomorrow will be better, I hope.

My ILs are dry drunks, passive aggressive, and STBX comes from a very dysfunctional family. He had it together when we married, but things started unraveling about 8 years in. (married 17) He has some serious mental health issues (bi-polar, adhd) and avoids treatment. He left after I told him treatment or out. The situation was getting scary and was very unhealthy. He choose to leave. As to why my ILs encouraged him leaving is beyond me. Except that maybe my efforts to get him help would force them to look at themselves? Who knows. Can't go down that rabbit hole.

And yes, I am going to lean on my church folks more than I have. I think it's a pride thing that i have to get over. Not easy to admit your life brings you to tears on a regular basis.

Life puts you on your knees . Some people don't get it till the deathbed , most get it earlier. Jesus says " bring it here .. I want that. And I will give you eternal life and a friend that will never leave you. "

No better place to be.

OP here - no disrespect, but while I definitely appreciate spiritual and emotional support, I need to figure out how the clothe, feed, shelter and raise 3 kids. Stat. And while spirituality helps, I need a life now, not in the hereafter. My kids are active in our Episcopalian church, but no amount of fealty is going to make up for the fact that their dad and 1/2 their family ditched us. So right now, yeah, there is a better place to be. At least for us. And me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have to hide things from the older kids, especially the one in high school. Give them some credit, don't keep them out of the loop and let them help you.

I'm not hiding anything, but I am certainly not going to vent to them about what a dick their father is, or how tough it is for me to go through this. Or how much I paid an attorney so that there is a chance their father will support them. They already see that he doesn't call, or arrange visits, but I'm not going to point out that he's out hiking and hanging out with his buddies. My job as a mom is to let THEM be sad, help them through it, give them a peaceful, consistent environment, and tell them that while life is tough right now, we will be ok. They do see me get sad and angry, but they need to know that they can count on me 100%. So yes, I need to protect them from certain things. It is not their job to help me, it is their job to do well in school, keep on track, and trust me.

If you can see him on FB, they can see him too. Trust me they know he's a dick. Sorry you're going through a rough time but it seems like you're better off w/o the lower. As for your ILs, screw em. They're stupid if they haven't realized they may lose their grandkids by not trying to stay close to them.

Hang in there. I'm sure your kids love and appreciate their mom.