Does couples counseling ever strengthen marriages?

[Anonymous]

DH here, I think it helped us after an affair (my fault). My wife was very hurt (understandably) and I had a lot of guilt, and the counselor helped us work through it. Perhaps we would have made it anyway, but it helped to have an impartial person in the room. We tried a Christian based counselor and he was not very helpful (but no doubt well meaning - and we are Christians). A secular based counselor was more helpful with practical advice. We are good now and more in love than ever (26+ years of marriage).

[Anonymous]

It really depends. We did couples counseling with two different counselors. The first one, I swear after every session me and DH had some of the worst blowouts ever. The second counselor was excellent and really helped us to communicate more. I think it really helped me because the counselor was a man and a Christian. Also we did a marriage retreat that was very helpful to our marriage.

I have read research that says marriage counseling doesn't work though.

[Anonymous]

Completely worked for us. We were on the road to divorce 3 years in. Now we are very happy, have a baby, and really communicate well.

[Anonymous]

It worked for me. DW had an affair, blamed me for driving her to it, and it was ongoing. Counselor basically explained she was crazy and that in the end the kids would suffer in a divorce. After many sessions we are back together, she is accepting that she is nuts, emotional, and for the most part I am the victim, not her. Worth every penny to have a third party validate what I had been saying for years. Of course it has to be somewhat impartial in delivery to keep both parties engaged in the process. The guy did a great job and I stayed for the sake of the kids and glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: if either person goes in thinking "Our problems are 100% the other person's fault" it's going to be hard to make progress too. But if you are both able to go in with open minds, a willingness to be self-critical and a strong desire to fix problems, I think it can make a huge difference.

Ah, but what if the problems *are* 100% the other person's fault? Does the spouse who is acting reasonably have to shoulder yet more of the responsibility of marriage in the spirit of compromise?

I suppose it is possible to imagine a situatin in which it is truly 100% one person's fault, but i'd think that's pretty rare, and only true in those rare situations where one partner's bad behavior is caused by, I don't know, a brain tumor or PTSD or something. I'm not saying it's always 50/50 responsibility for problems. I think it's often 75/25 or even 90/10. But even when one person is clearly acting badly (having affairs, refusing to help in the house or with kids, has anger control issues or substance abuse issues, whatever), the less-in-the-wrong partner is usually doing something that is, at a minimum, enabling.

I mean, I'm with you that sometimes one person really is the asshole. I sure felt that way with some of my ex BFs. But I think it is right to say that if you go into counseling absolutely convinced that every problem is completely the other person's screwed-upness, you are unlikely to get much out of the counseling (and taking the approach, "it's all your problem" is not a great way to motivate the other partner to change). I think the message here is more that counseling is most likely to help when both partners approach it in a spirit of open-mindedness, humility and shared desire/responsibility for making the relaonship stronger.

[Anonymous]

It did for us. Slowly, but it saved our marriage and I felt like it brought my best friend back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: if either person goes in thinking "Our problems are 100% the other person's fault" it's going to be hard to make progress too. But if you are both able to go in with open minds, a willingness to be self-critical and a strong desire to fix problems, I think it can make a huge difference.

Ah, but what if the problems *are* 100% the other person's fault? Does the spouse who is acting reasonably have to shoulder yet more of the responsibility of marriage in the spirit of compromise?

I suppose it is possible to imagine a situatin in which it is truly 100% one person's fault, but i'd think that's pretty rare, and only true in those rare situations where one partner's bad behavior is caused by, I don't know, a brain tumor or PTSD or something. I'm not saying it's always 50/50 responsibility for problems. I think it's often 75/25 or even 90/10. But even when one person is clearly acting badly (having affairs, refusing to help in the house or with kids, has anger control issues or substance abuse issues, whatever), the less-in-the-wrong partner is usually doing something that is, at a minimum, enabling.

I mean, I'm with you that sometimes one person really is the asshole. I sure felt that way with some of my ex BFs. But I think it is right to say that if you go into counseling absolutely convinced that every problem is completely the other person's screwed-upness, you are unlikely to get much out of the counseling (and taking the approach, "it's all your problem" is not a great way to motivate the other partner to change). I think the message here is more that counseling is most likely to help when both partners approach it in a spirit of open-mindedness, humility and shared desire/responsibility for making the relaonship stronger.

Of course my wife started the sessions with the attitude that I was 100% to blame for everything. Counselor calmly explained that only in situations of substance abuse or physical violence is one party truly 100% to blame. Without the third party, we would have never survived.

[Anonymous]

" According to the New York Times two years after ending marital counseling twenty-five percent of couples are worse off than they were when they started, and after four years thirty-eight percent are divorced."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-manfred/why-marriage-counseling-d_b_860493.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" According to the New York Times two years after ending marital counseling twenty-five percent of couples are worse off than they were when they started, and after four years thirty-eight percent are divorced."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-manfred/why-marriage-counseling-d_b_860493.html

Tough to figure out any meaningful metrics on this. Some large number of couples are already in a downward spiral by the time they get to a counselor. Some counselors probably do make things worse. Some counselors probably make things less bad, but not enough to stop the downward trend already in progress. Some counselors probably help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Gottman lecture I saw online: average time that elapses between couples realizing they have a problem and the time they seek counseling: six years. In one of his books he mentions Counseling seems to be associated with a greater risk of divorce for couples than those who did not seek counseling.

The two facts are probably linked.

OP look to the Gottman books before you seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gottman lecture I saw online: average time that elapses between couples realizing they have a problem and the time they seek counseling: six years. In one of his books he mentions Counseling seems to be associated with a greater risk of divorce for couples than those who did not seek counseling.

The two facts are probably linked.

OP look to the Gottman books before you seek counseling.

Those who seek counseling are already headed for a divorce. They just want someone to validate their feelings. The trigger has already been pulled.

[Anonymous]

Counseling for multiple years. It helped me realize that divorce really IS what we needed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: if either person goes in thinking "Our problems are 100% the other person's fault" it's going to be hard to make progress too. But if you are both able to go in with open minds, a willingness to be self-critical and a strong desire to fix problems, I think it can make a huge difference.

Ah, but what if the problems *are* 100% the other person's fault? Does the spouse who is acting reasonably have to shoulder yet more of the responsibility of marriage in the spirit of compromise?

Rarely is something ever 100% the fault of one sole person. If ever.

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling is really helping us. I think our therapist is unique and very good at what he does. I purposefully found a male therapist just in case DH harbored any skepticism about the counseling - I thought it would help. I think the therapist's style is more cognitive-behavioral or something like that (I'm obviously not an expert on these things) so it's a lot about action and not just blah blah feelings all the time, another reason why DH is receptive to it. We also include a date night after the session, which in itself is helpful to our marriage since we have 2 young children.

[Anonymous]

It helped us but we both wanted to fix things and needed a neutral 3d party and an hour together each week to help us really hear each other. Oddly, our counselor was not that great and we sort of bonded over how creepy we thought he was. But still helpful.