Reply to Does couples counseling ever strengthen marriages?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] if either person goes in thinking [b]"Our problems are 100% the other person's fault"[/b] it's going to be hard to make progress too. But if you are both able to go in with open minds, a willingness to be self-critical and a strong desire to fix problems, I think it can make a huge difference. 
[/quote]

Ah, but what if the problems *are* 100% the other person's fault? Does the spouse who is acting reasonably have to shoulder yet more of the responsibility of marriage in the spirit of compromise? [/quote]

I suppose it is possible to imagine a situatin in which it is [i]truly[/i] 100% one person's fault, but i'd think that's pretty rare, and only true in those rare situations where one partner's bad behavior is caused by, I don't know, a brain tumor or PTSD or something. I'm not saying it's always 50/50 responsibility for problems. I think it's often 75/25 or even 90/10. But even when one person is clearly acting badly (having affairs, refusing to help in the house or with kids, has anger control issues or substance abuse issues, whatever), the less-in-the-wrong partner is usually doing something that is, at a minimum, enabling.

I mean, I'm with you that sometimes one person really is the asshole. I sure felt that way with some of my ex BFs. But I think it is right to say that if you go into counseling absolutely convinced that every problem is completely the other person's screwed-upness, you are unlikely to get much out of the counseling (and taking the approach, "it's all your problem" is not a great way to motivate the other partner to change). I think the message here is more that counseling is most likely to help when both partners approach it in a spirit of open-mindedness, humility and shared desire/responsibility for making the relaonship stronger.[/quote]

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