Comeback for recurrent comment on kids names from FIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were going to name them after you, dear FIL, but couldn't decide which would be "ass" and which would be "hole".

Comment of the day.

Amen!

But think more of an eye-rolling comment might be more appropriate, "Gosh, FIL, this again? You've gone over it so many times it makes me wonder if your memory is failing" as you walk out of the room to get more wine.

[Anonymous]

Dad, you've made this childish comment every time we get together. Isn't it time to grow up?

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. thank you for the strategies, and just as much for the laughs. I needed them!

[Anonymous]

When he starts on it, join in like you're finishing the punch line to a joke you've heard a million times.

"And let's see, Andrew and Mary..." and you say, loudly and laughingly, "We just make up names! Aren't we crazy? It never gets old!" Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad, you've made this childish comment every time we get together. Isn't it time to grow up?

PP again. Alternatively "Yes, we really disliked this family tradition, so we choose differently." You may find that some of the siblings or cousins might like to hear that they don't have to be browbeaten into following this tradition. The ultimate satisfaction would come when either a younger sibling/cousin or one of the next generation also bucks the tradition and lets you know that you were the inspiration to them not being forced to name their own children family names as the rest were.

[Anonymous]

"And its a good thing you love them all the same isn't it?"

"Yes, that's a perk you get when you carry and birth your own child. You are welcome to surrogate #3 for us Grandpa."

[Anonymous]

My FIL made comments for years about my wedding, until one day I told him something direct in his face and in front of the whole family. He was so embarrassed, but immediately realized what an a**hole he had been toward me for years. He apologized and now he treats me with respect.

OP, be direct. As others had said, he is being exclusionary toward your children and disrespectful toward yours and DH's choices.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I would go the confrontational route. I hate the idea of being forced to follow some other person's tradition when I am the one carrying and birthing these children. My kids, my decision.

My grandma is old school like this and made all kinds of noise about a male great grandchild to carry on the family name. So, the 5 beautiful great granddaughters that came before are chopped liver, huh? Ok, then ;p

[Anonymous]

"You bring this up all of the time FIL. Is there a reason?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not small potatoes, because Grandpa is actually using this naming thing to exclude your children.

Respond immediately with : "Every time you say that, it creates an artificial separation between my children and your other grandkids, just because of their names. It's exclusionary, so please stop."
Conversational tone, look him in the eye, speak clearly. Hopefully he'll be embarrassed in front of everyone, grumble that he didn't mean it, and never say it again.

I absolutely agree. I am from a stepfamily and know exclusion when I see it. This is not small potatoes. He is sending a message to your kids that they don't belong in his family. Maybe it's on purpose and maybe it's not, but every time he says it is is saying "All these other people are linked to the family. You kids aren't linked to the family."

I would not take the egghead approach of pp though. I think it is unlikely to have the outcome you want. You want him to stop thinking of your kids as different and start including them in the narrative of his family--OR you want to provide your kids with their OWN narrative of family, to outweigh his.

If you think it's cluelessness, I would pick a public moment when a lot of people are listening, and say as nicely and friendly-ly as possible, "You say that a lot, Grandpa, but what do you mean by it? Are they not as much a part of the family as the other grandkids, just because of their names?" Maybe even add "Do you not love them the same because of their names?" Force him to say "of course they are just as much a part of the family, of course I love them." Get that level of statement out of them. And then say "So you're just giving me and your son crap about the names we chose?" take the subtext and make it explicit. After this, I would make a joke of it. "That's right. We hate everyone in the family."

If you have reason to think it's some conscious effort to exclude, I would take every one of these statements as an opportunity to tell your kids why you picked the names you did for them, what they mean to you, how they represent your hopes and dreams for them. Tell your family's story, to them and to your FIL. The "unique individuals" statement is one form of this. Saying who they were named after or talking about others with their names is another.

What does your dh think is going on with his dad's comments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it is pretty much true. You could explain why you picked the names you did or you could just not pick this battle.

Grandpa is the one picking this battle if he keeps bringing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he starts on it, join in like you're finishing the punch line to a joke you've heard a million times.

"And let's see, Andrew and Mary..." and you say, loudly and laughingly, "We just make up names! Aren't we crazy? It never gets old!" Then change the subject.

This is the best response.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thank you all. My husband rolls his eyes at his dad, he thinks it's mildly annoying but it's not getting to him the way it has been to me. I live all of the responses and am certain I will get the opportunity to try each of them. Which kind of says it all - I know he will continue with this BS. It feels good to vent to strangers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were going to name them after you, dear FIL, but couldn't decide which would be "ass" and which would be "hole".

Comment of the day.

Amen!

But think more of an eye-rolling comment might be more appropriate, "Gosh, FIL, this again? You've gone over it so many times it makes me wonder if your memory is failing" as you walk out of the room to get more wine.

LOL!

[Anonymous]

Tell your FIL that every time he does this, he's basically saying he's not happy with your kids' names. Ask him why he needs to bring it up over and over again. Tell him it's not sending a good message to your kids, and you're also finding it annoying. Tell him to let it go already!