Reply to Comeback for recurrent comment on kids names from FIL?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Not small potatoes, because Grandpa is actually using this naming thing to exclude your children.

Respond immediately with : "Every time you say that, it creates an artificial separation between my children and your other grandkids, just because of their names. It's exclusionary, so please stop."
Conversational tone, look him in the eye, speak clearly. Hopefully he'll be embarrassed in front of everyone, grumble that he didn't mean it, and never say it again.
[/quote]

I absolutely agree. I am from a stepfamily and know exclusion when I see it. This is not small potatoes. He is sending a message to your kids that they don't belong in his family. Maybe it's on purpose and maybe it's not, but every time he says it is is saying "All these other people are linked to the family. You kids aren't linked to the family."

I would not take the egghead approach of pp though. I think it is unlikely to have the outcome you want. You want him to stop thinking of your kids as different and start including them in the narrative of his family--OR you want to provide your kids with their OWN narrative of family, to outweigh his.

If you think it's cluelessness, I would pick a public moment when a lot of people are listening, and say as nicely and friendly-ly as possible, "You say that a lot, Grandpa, but what do you mean by it?  Are they not as much a part of the family as the other grandkids, just because of their names?" Maybe even add "Do you not love them the same because of their names?" Force him to say "of course they are just as much a part of the family, of course I love them." Get that level of statement out of them. And then say "So you're just giving me and your son crap about the names we chose?"  take the subtext and make it explicit. After this, I would make a joke of it. "That's right. We hate everyone in the family."

If you have reason to think it's some conscious effort to exclude, I would take every one of these statements as an opportunity to tell your kids why you picked the names you did for them, what they mean to you, how they represent your hopes and dreams for them. Tell your family's story, to them and to your FIL.  The "unique individuals" statement is one form of this.  Saying who they were named after or talking about others with their names is another.

What does your dh think is going on with his dad's comments?[/quote]

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