Men do you defend your so or dw?
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Anonymous
No. I'm in my 40s and I think the last time someone actually insulted me was 20+ years ago. |
Anonymous
I've been with DH for 11 years, married for five. I guess he's backed me up to my stepmother and his parents, but it's definitely never been because they've insulted me. |
Anonymous
| Yes, OP I believe I've been in your shoes when it comes to my in-laws. I get the feeling my DH doesn't defend me (when I'm not there) and also doesn't try to make me feel comfortable when I let him know I am uncomfortable about something with them. When I call him on it he says What do you want me to say? As if he is helpless. He is a little conflict averse so that's the main reason. I think it is his way of relating to his family in which there just aren't a lot of confrontations but it still bothers me. But I think your example of the guy sweeping is a little 1950s to expect your husband to stand up in defense of you. Otherwise, my sympathies. It may not be you. It might just be your husband is not the type to call his friends or strangers out. |
Anonymous
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I fully understand the OP's desire for her husband to defend her. I had a long term boyfriend who didn't come to my defense and this was one f many reasons I dumped him. I want a man who will fight for me and puts me first. Doubt I'm the only woman out there that feels this way.
On a side note, that's awesome the PP hasn't been insulted in 20 years. Maybe it's correct to say she hasn't been offended but I doubt it's been 20 years and not one single person has said something rude to her. |
Anonymous
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I used to feel like you, OP, and then I learned that being an adult means defending yourself. Don't make your DH responsible for your victimhood. Speak up for yourself and you'll feel and be stronger for it.
Also, if you are routinely in need of defending or routinely offended, reconsider how you interact with the world. I can't remember the last time I was insulted. That doesn't mean that I haven't been in uncomfortable interactions with others. It just means I try not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions about others. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt and you'll probably be offended far less frequently. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, woman here who doesn't expect anyone to defend me. Perhaps it would be different if I had married younger, or something, but I got to my mid-30s single, and had to learn to deal with situations myself.
Also, I don't need to defend against anything too often, and it's obvious from your post you see more instances where you do. The guy who was rude to you in the store? Not saying it wouldn't hasn't happened to me, but not only would I not expect my SO to defend me, I wouldn't defend myself. Dude is being an ass, and I'm not a fan of confrontation for the sake of it, when there is nothing to be gained. Two exceptions to this, where I would expect my SO to rise to my defense: in the case of a partner his family or friends, because in that one situation it's better him defend me than me defend myself, and in the case of a physical threat, because, let's face it - he's quite a bit bigger than me. |
Anonymous
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So what's the upside in these situations to "defending" you against mean words? I mean the upside that's a better result than just ignoring them?
I ask because I feel like when I feel a need to respond to negative words, it's just my pride and ego talking. Put my emotions aside and there is no benefit to allowing those negative words to trigger a response. It's entirely my choice whether those words are a negative influence on my life on the one hand or, alternatively, just a bunch of noise. |
Anonymous
Same here. I also don't recall a situation where I needed "defending". Sure, people have been rude to me but that doesn't require a 'defense'. |
Anonymous
| You are a grown up OP, so you are able to defend yourself, or stand by yourself. You sound dramatic and high maintenance. My opinion is that your husband Is tired of this music and filters your drama. |
Anonymous
+1. In the case of the store employee, I'm from the school of thought where I assume people are crazy and I'm not trying to "defend" myself by being confrontational. If someone clearly unprofessional enough to call you names for something you don't see as your fault, arguing with this person isn't going to calm them down and may rile them out more. I wouldn't want to expose my kids to Dad or Mom getting into a physical altercation over walking thru powdered dust on the floor. If you felt it was important for the kids/DH to see you stand up for yourself the right way, I would have asked DH to take the kids to the car and found the manager (and not by asking quick temper McGraw employee) and said, look this is the situation. If keeping people out of the way was important, it should have been blocked off. I couldn't see it with a crowd of people going thru. Regardless, being verbally abusive to express frustration especially with young kids nearby shouldn't be how you want to conduct business in your store. Thank you for letting me voice my concerns. Then you keep it moving. For the co-worker, I would wonder why he felt he could/should see your house. Since it is his co-worker, I would see it as DH's responsibility to manage that relationship. I used the word manage and not "defend me" intentionally. I noticed that at the end of the day that co-worker didn't tour your house when he showed up the second time with DH there and hasn't appeared to be a problem since? I'm going out on a limb to say DH somehow resolved that issue though maybe not in the way you expected. Look, I'm the more emotional one and I depend on DH to "talk me down from the ledge" when I get upset about something at work etc. His personality isn't the type to be confrontational. However, I notice he does support me, for example when I felt his mom was being overtly critical about me not doing do something right with the baby (and I was already overly nervous as a first time mom) and I mentioned how it upset me. Somehow, someway, this was not an issue again. I don't know where and when a conversation took place but it was done in such a way a small problem didn't become a big problem and everyone moved on. |
Anonymous
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OP - you don't deserve a DH. Im surprised your DH hasn't run for the hills already.
Jeez, you are the living definition of a drama queen. |
Anonymous
| Someone has taken in too many romantic fantasies -- where a real man is ever alert to slights upon his honor and he shows his passion for the damsel in distress by confronting (with physical violence if necessary) the knave who impugns her honor and her virtue. |
Anonymous
Rudeness is different from an insult. Much bigger spectrum, with a direct insult at the top, IMO. Plenty of people are rude but if you have a basic understanding of etiquette, it's easy to deal with. I handle things myself in any event. I wonder if those who want their man to defend them come to their man's defense as well. |
Anonymous
So you DO want your husband to defend you. Just in situations that you believe make it necessary. Interesting. |
Anonymous
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Op- pps are harsh. Yes, I have been there many times with my dh. I finally had a lengthy talk with him and he is much much better.
Have you tried a sit down with him? |