Am I fooling myself?

[Anonymous]

I am a DH here in the same boat. Never really compatible in the bedroom - shit hit the fan in other ways and DW used that as an excuse to pull the plug on sex. Going on about five years. Personally, I think low drive spouses look for excuses not to make sex important in a relationship. But what about the opening up, while cuddling in bed, etc ? So, granted I have a horse in the race, but i think it is probably the most passive aggressive act that one person can do to another in a relationship. Its basically enforced celibacy. Personally, working through some financial issues, but I will not grow old with a spouse who decides that we do not need to have sex. Its a deal breaker for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and we both drink every night so I don't think that helps - at least not him

This is a problem

[Anonymous]

Moderate drinker but you all drink every night? Wtf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should do more chores around the house.

+1. Clearly you're not carrying your share of the weight around the house. Start pitching in more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than the length of your relationship OP, I'm the same. Married many years, two kids under 4, coming up on the one year mark since we had sex, and frequency even before kids was never what I wanted.

It's miserable.

I love him and he's a deeply good man, but I am really missing what I think constitutes a significant part of a marriage. As it stands we're fantastic loving friends and parents. Zero passion.

You hit the nail on the head.. zero passion. Ugh
Do you think you can live with it forever?
Its so hard to see other couples we are friends with be affectionate and hear about their sex lives. I would be psyched if we did it at least once a week!

To contemplate living with (or more to the point WITHOUT) it forever is almost unbearably depressing.

But - we have young kids. And we love each other, and take care of each other and I trust him completely. So for the kids' sake I would stay with him. I expect that at some point I will have to stop trying to resurrect our sex life and just totally give up. Perhaps once I do that, mourn the loss, and find a way to still be in the marriage without being awful to him, it will get easier and by the time the kids are grown I'll be too old to care.

God that looks awful in print.

[Anonymous]

How about hitting the treadmill and giving him a reason to want to boink you more often?

[Anonymous]

OP. See a therapist. This isn't working for you. You have unmet needs and it's not fair for one person to just dictate what the intimacy situation is like in your marriage. This is something you should work through together and maybe uncover some problem. Not sure how to say this, but...is he straight?

[Anonymous]

Do you ever have sexual passion? Was there ever a time that he couldn't keep his hands off you? If not, then it can't be created. Might he be gay or asexual?

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine went through this. Her DH had no interest in showing affection or having sex. We thought he might be gay. She left him and found someone else right away (actually, reverse order) and he got remarried a year or so later. The weird thing is, my friend is totally hot, funny, quirky, and interesting, so definitely wasn't her. He was a control freak and just for whatever reason it didn't work. Who knows what his new relationship is like.

[Anonymous]

You don't need couples talk therapy. You need a sex therapist. It's not impossible to come back from this, it's just going to take some dedicated time and effort.

[Cassiopeia]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than the length of your relationship OP, I'm the same. Married many years, two kids under 4, coming up on the one year mark since we had sex, and frequency even before kids was never what I wanted.

It's miserable.

I love him and he's a deeply good man, but I am really missing what I think constitutes a significant part of a marriage. As it stands we're fantastic loving friends and parents. Zero passion.

You hit the nail on the head.. zero passion. Ugh
Do you think you can live with it forever?
Its so hard to see other couples we are friends with be affectionate and hear about their sex lives. I would be psyched if we did it at least once a week!

To contemplate living with (or more to the point WITHOUT) it forever is almost unbearably depressing.

But - we have young kids. And we love each other, and take care of each other and I trust him completely. So for the kids' sake I would stay with him. I expect that at some point I will have to stop trying to resurrect our sex life and just totally give up. Perhaps once I do that, mourn the loss, and find a way to still be in the marriage without being awful to him, it will get easier and by the time the kids are grown I'll be too old to care.

God that looks awful in print.

Um, what?? I am trying to understand why people stay in passionless marriages for the sake of the kids. I mean, would you want your kids to have a marriage like that? Because chances are they will one day. I think it must have something to do with family of origin. It's hard for me to imagine a relationship that is honestly good in every way except that you never have sex. I just don't see how it can really be good.

Plus, I don't think you can just acquiesce to his removing the consummate act of marriage without it breeding anger and resentment in you. It will ruin your relationship. You should definitely get in therapy. First, send him to the doctor to have his testosterone levels checked.

But don't just give up the last of your youth like that. You'll regret it when you're old.

[Anonymous]

I would bet anything he is addicted to porn. Relative to air brushed 19 year olds he sees on the screen all the time, you do repulse him. Take a peek at his history. Trust me, I've been there. Why would you want to bother with a real woman when you could have the tight squeeze of your own fist & 19yo imagery.