Wife is baiting me into quitting my job

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and she sounds like she is being a little dramatic. 6 is not late. Of course you are the "fun" parent. I'm guessing you only get to see your older kid for 60-90 minutes before he gets to go to bed.

As long as fun time isn't undermining your wife then it's fine. I do hate when we are literally walking in the bedroom to get in bed and DH decides this is the perfect time to play a game of tickle and chase.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- Your wife is bring ridiculous. I don't know anyone with a job and a commute who is home before 7 or 8pm. I've never (in 30 years working as a nanny) worked for a family where I've been off work at 6pm, that would be amazing!! Your wife is being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

^ Typo!! Make that 10 years working as a nanny haha

[Anonymous]

Nanny, unless you've been an actual parent, you don't really know what you're talking about. Getting paid to take care of someone else's kids /= parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would happen if you acknowledged the legitimacy of her feelings? That's not the same thing as saying you're doing something wrong, just acknowledging that there are pros and cons to everyone's situation here. "I hear you. it has to be really tough being the only one here to do the grunt work all day without a break, and then watch me walk in after work and be the hero to [kid], regardless of who's been tending to his/her every need all day." No fighting, no competing for who has it worse, just acknowledging that there are tough aspects to her situation, and it's understandable that she's frustrated. You might see her attitude toward you change dramatically if she feels like she's being heard, respected, and shown compassion.

+1 If both partners can do this it goes a long way. Then you can work together to figure out how to make things work for the family as a whole. But I hear you, OP - the early years are just brutal. Everyone goes through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- Your wife is bring ridiculous. I don't know anyone with a job and a commute who is home before 7 or 8pm. I've never (in 30 years working as a nanny) worked for a family where I've been off work at 6pm, that would be amazing!! Your wife is being unreasonable.

The thing is, wife isn't "off work" when DH gets home!

There's no peaceful space for her to retreat to at the end of the day. Heck, there's no nice long stretch of uninterrupted sleep!

Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS- 6 is late??

Seriously. 6 is late? Your DW is living in a fantasy land. 8pm is average, after 8 is late. I'm a DW, I also work, but took huge cutback at my job so I could be home by 6. It's basically considered part-time since I'm home so early. DW needs to get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny, unless you've been an actual parent, you don't really know what you're talking about. Getting paid to take care of someone else's kids /= parenting.

Please tell me this was sarcasm. I think most of the SAHMs posting here are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Why not??

If that is what she wants, then why not switch things up a bit??

Let her worry about bringing home the bacon, worry about keeping the family afloat and you can keep the home fire burning.

After all, it IS 2014.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, if my H got home at 6 pm I would be the happiest woman in America. He gets home at 8 at best, sees the kids for 20 minutes a night tops, and is totally the fun parent. I hate it. However, he outearns me by a huge margin, so I suck it up because said kids are going to need to go to college, and I'd like them to do it with as little debt as possible. Maybe you guys need to have an honest talk about who would be happiest in which role -- and maybe have that talk AFTER the kid is STTN. Life seems a lot more manageable then.

[Anonymous]

To everyone saying getting home at 8pm is normal. It isn't. Sadly it seems people around DC accept that as their normal - but that's a choice you are making. If my husband got home at 8pm he would find a new job with less hours. Sorry, but there ARE things more important than making money. Being with your family is one. Getting home after 6pm is absolutely unacceptable to both me AND my husband. That way we get a few hours each day with each other and the kids. If you get home at 8 or even later you miss your children growing up. OP...6pm is a good time to come home. Nobody should work more than 9-5. Some people's priorities are a bit off these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would happen if you acknowledged the legitimacy of her feelings? That's not the same thing as saying you're doing something wrong, just acknowledging that there are pros and cons to everyone's situation here. "I hear you. it has to be really tough being the only one here to do the grunt work all day without a break, and then watch me walk in after work and be the hero to [kid], regardless of who's been tending to his/her every need all day." No fighting, no competing for who has it worse, just acknowledging that there are tough aspects to her situation, and it's understandable that she's frustrated. You might see her attitude toward you change dramatically if she feels like she's being heard, respected, and shown compassion.

+1 If both partners can do this it goes a long way. Then you can work together to figure out how to make things work for the family as a whole. But I hear you, OP - the early years are just brutal. Everyone goes through it.

NP here. You are right that 6pm is not late. However, there is some reason that your wife feels frustrated and it may have something to do with you or maybe something about the situation or possibly both. In the work training that I've taken to improve communication, one of the first steps to de-escalating the conflict is the sort of acknowledgment the PP mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS- 6 is late??

Really. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Getting home after 6pm is absolutely unacceptable to both me AND my husband.

You're weird. I bet the kids wished they had more free time without you.

[Anonymous]

OP are you acknowledging on a frequent basis what your wife is doing? Do you know what her days are like? I think sometimes when one partner has the important job the SAHP can feel undervalued, unacknowledged, lonely, bored, etc. So be sure you are recognizing her for all she is doing to raise your kids and keep the house running and pitch in when you get home to take some of the burden off. Yes, you work all day but there is a lot of reward in that and you get a break from home stuff so hopefully you are fresh to put in some work at home with kids and laundry and stuff. Ever read the Second Shift? It is certainly the (de facto) expectation that women who work come home and work a second shift of labor at home. I bet if you get really engaged in the evening and you are both showing each other appreciation things will improve. And by the way, your wife's complaints seem totally normal for a family with children. Talk to your friends. No need to quit your job to teach anybody a lesson.