I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sorry^ you need to get some guidance- he is definitely having an affair

[Anonymous]

He is waiting until kid no. 3 is in college and then he's gone. Why spend money o a house he won't be living in much longer anyway.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, start making an exit plan and get yourself organized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 children. 2 in college and one getting ready for college. This poor kid hears about half of what is going on and I feel terrible.

We went to the other side of the house to have a discussion this morning.

My husband says I don't want him to be healthy and I am wrong to be annoyed by his gym time. He agrees that he shouldn't be going to happy hour w his secretary, only that he shouldn't go as often as he does, not that it is wrong. God help me!
I would not be annoyed with his gym time if he would get something/anything done around here. I will not even discuss his happy hour excursions as that is a MAJOR issue that would take up an entire topic.
He says he can't possibly do everything that needs to be done by himself. I told him we are quite able to hire someone to close the pool etc. he says why should we hire someone to do something he can do himself. Does he hear what he is saying???

Um.. I'm sorry. Going to happy hour with his secretary? OP - please think about this and apply some common sense. I know it's hard and I'm sorry OP, but don't make us say it.

[Anonymous]

When I say his actions are suspicious and inappropriate he says I am naive and ignorant that this is how it is in the workplace. He says he knows he would never rpi g anything to jeapordize our marriage. I know it is a line of BS but how do I just walk out? We have no savings. Just debt

[Anonymous]

Darn auto correct * he would never do anything to jeapordize our marriage

[Anonymous]

It's not normal to go to happy hour with your secretary multiple times a week. Your life will be easier if you just get rid of him. File for a separation.

[Anonymous]

There comes a point when you keep hoping things will get better and then look up and so much time has passed. At this point it isn't a question of things getting better, it is just that separating has gotten that much harder, the house is in disrepair, credit has gotten worse, and debt has gotten worse. The question isnt if you can "save" your marriage. For whatever reason, your DH has stopped putting you and his family first. Anything you do to try to change his behavior casts you as the nagging, overly suspicious wife. Your decision at this point is if this is how you want to live until you die or he divorces you, whichever comes first, or if you want to start now and claw your way back to having a normal life where you aren't getting an ulcer, being yelled at and blamed for his actions, having bill collectors call when you know you have the money to pay the bills etc

My parents went thru a difficult divorce when we were older (middle school, high school, and college) and honestly it was the fighting, them being focused on each other and their issues while the kids had to fend for themselves or worse being in the middle of a power struggle. I say this because even though your kids are older, you still may want to talk to your therapist about how to help the transition for the kids and still be cordial to your spouse if you separate/divorce so you can still jointly support your kids during their special events and during the times they need your help.

Hope you can be at peace with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is waiting until kid no. 3 is in college and then he's gone. Why spend money o a house he won't be living in much longer anyway.

+1
He doesn't want to spend money on assets you two share.
The secretary is problem #1, the reat is the consequence of that. I agree that "healthy" rationale for the gym was put on his head by the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Probably having an affair and he cannot keep the ship of household on steady waters

Useless as a man and a husband, to you at least.

Either he stops the affair or starts paying bills on time. Preferably both, but many women can live with a guy doing just one and not both.

[Anonymous]

It is time to cut your losses. Do you have a job? If so, you can survive in a one or two bedroom apartment with your child if necessary. If your child only has one or two years left, the school may allow him or her to stay there until graduation even if you move to a different neighborhood if you explain the circumstances.

Your husband doesn't want your help or your involvement in his life and won't until his affair partner leaves him.

Your credit is already ruined. Start starting over on your own now. Life will be easier once you cut out the time spent trying to fix him and clean up after him. Invest what you have in yourself now.

At this point your biggest problem is your denial about what has happened. Don't tell him you are leaving. Just leave. It is already over. You can mourn once you have gotten to higher ground.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is not appropriate for him to be spending this much time socially with his secretary. Period. I am a secretary and I do not socialize with my boss like this. We are friendly at work and socialize at work events, but that's it. If we did, it would be a problem for company policy as well as for both of our spouses. The time we would be spending together would be time we were not spending with our families.

[Anonymous]

He needs to Fire his secretary. I've been a legal secretary for 20 yrs and been to happy hour with my boss twice. Once the boss was female and it was the day I turned 21, and once it was with our entire department when my boss's wife was out of town. There were about 8-10 people there and I was definitely NOT iNG the kast to leave.

He needs to fire his secretary.

[Anonymous]

What possible reason is there to stay? He is an asshole who is financially worthless. You can't be both.

It will be hard, but leave. Sooner=better.

Start focusing on yourself, your exercise, your self worth. Don't look back.

- signed formerly married to a cheating financial train wreck

[Anonymous]

OP, what's the debt from? why are you living beyond means? underwater on mortgage? is he financially unfaithful too? Happy hour can be expensive, and affairs even more so if he's buying gifts, hotels, etc.

do you have access to all the accounts? I'd start doing an analysis of money in/money out, source of debts, credit cards, etc now. you NEED to do this because he will most likely leave when kid #3 is in college, and the debt will be your problem. I'd also dust off your resume--though you can hope for alimony if he makes decent $$ (how much is the HHI?)

oh, please see a lawyer now.