Mom doesn't know words "I'm sorry". Anyone else relate?

[Anonymous]

Something to consider - maybe it really is just you.

Sometimes people are more sensitive than they realize. My DD is young but definitely gets her feelings hurt by just about anything - even a raised voice. She is in therapy but it took a couple therapists before I found one who basically had to do what I was doing at home - point out in detail how my child's emotional reaction was out of proportion for the situation. My DD is improving and she has realized how much happier and less worried and anxious she is and I have noticed that she better able to deal with things.

Instead of just dismissing what I am saying out of hand as being mean and wrong, actually sit down and really consider the situations were you were "wronged" by your mom. Write them down if need be. Then go back and remove any emotional words or better yet, have someone else edit it to remove emotions. Then go back and read the situation and have someone else do the same and see if you are still wronged in that particular situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned you had a mentally ill brother. Have you ever considered that your mother is mentally ill also? This doesn't excuse her behavior but may help explain it and thus help you let it go.

I married (unknowingly) into a family with a strong history of bipolar depression (exDH and MIL). One of the most interesting lessons I learned from this experience is how often aspects of mental illness are dismissed by family members as "choices". As in -- mom's just being manipulative, dad's a liar mom's just being dramatic, etc. IME, much of the drama in my in laws family was a function of the mania (impulsive behavior, grandiosity that can result in impatience and put downs of others, poor judgement, making inappropriate comments, money problems, romantic relationship problems, wild stories, misremembering events, substance abuse etc.) or the depression (severe irritability, severe anxiety, refusal to participate in important social events, substance abuse, etc.)

I think this misattribution is even more common when the mentally ill person manages to be highly functional in spite of it all (holds down a regular job or raises a family).

My experience with my mentally ill in laws, as well as with my own family (not mental illness but other issues) and as a parent myself have caused me to believe that we are basically responsible for parenting ourselves after age 18. In other words, when we know that we have problems, we are responsible for getting help for ourselves, building healthy relationships and giving ourselves the love and support we feel we missed.

I agree with another PP who said that by focusing on asking your Mom to get therapy, you are focusing too much on her. It's not wrong to ask her to get therapy; it's just that that is something you don't have any control over. Ask, but then figure out how you are going to organize your life so that you can get what positive aspects are possible out of your relationship with your Mom. You will need a therapist to help you figure out what it is reasonable to expect your Mom to give you (vs. what it is reasonable to expect from most Moms) and how to set boundaries and develop your habit of interaction in the best way for you. You will also need a therapist to help you figure out what you need and how to get that from sources other than your Mom (yourself, your own family, your friends, etc.)

+1 I think you are making some very good points there. mentally ill in my family also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned you had a mentally ill brother. Have you ever considered that your mother is mentally ill also? This doesn't excuse her behavior but may help explain it and thus help you let it go.

I married (unknowingly) into a family with a strong history of bipolar depression (exDH and MIL). One of the most interesting lessons I learned from this experience is how often aspects of mental illness are dismissed by family members as "choices". As in -- mom's just being manipulative, dad's a liar mom's just being dramatic, etc. IME, much of the drama in my in laws family was a function of the mania (impulsive behavior, grandiosity that can result in impatience and put downs of others, poor judgement, making inappropriate comments, money problems, romantic relationship problems, wild stories, misremembering events, substance abuse etc.) or the depression (severe irritability, severe anxiety, refusal to participate in important social events, substance abuse, etc.)

I think this misattribution is even more common when the mentally ill person manages to be highly functional in spite of it all (holds down a regular job or raises a family).

My experience with my mentally ill in laws, as well as with my own family (not mental illness but other issues) and as a parent myself have caused me to believe that we are basically responsible for parenting ourselves after age 18. In other words, when we know that we have problems, we are responsible for getting help for ourselves, building healthy relationships and giving ourselves the love and support we feel we missed.

I agree with another PP who said that by focusing on asking your Mom to get therapy, you are focusing too much on her. It's not wrong to ask her to get therapy; it's just that that is something you don't have any control over. Ask, but then figure out how you are going to organize your life so that you can get what positive aspects are possible out of your relationship with your Mom. You will need a therapist to help you figure out what it is reasonable to expect your Mom to give you (vs. what it is reasonable to expect from most Moms) and how to set boundaries and develop your habit of interaction in the best way for you. You will also need a therapist to help you figure out what you need and how to get that from sources other than your Mom (yourself, your own family, your friends, etc.)

this is just so wise. You have so much empathy for everyone you mention (difficult ILs, OP, yourself in the role of a parent). yep, I think you get to be reincarnated to nirvana as your next step.

[Anonymous]

Sounds just like mine. I think she honestly enjoyed hurting me emotionally. I was one time suicidal and even after I told her there was never a hint of regret. The only thing that kept me sane was to limit the contact. I keep things civil and superficial when I see her and my dad. I very very rarely call her. This is the only way I can have a "relationship" with her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my mother! My mother is extremely judgmental. She also has never sincerely apologized to me for her harsh behavior. It has gotten to the point where we no longer speak anymore. We have been through our ups and downs and periods of not communicating, but I honestly think that I am better off not having a relationship with her. I realize how sad this sounds. The sad part for me is that my dad supports her and therefore I am cut off from my father as well.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are experiencing this OP (and others on this thread.) I am currently in intensive therapy for issues I never even knew I had, until I developed severe anxiety in my 30s. I too hate to be truthful, because it just brings me pain with my family. My Mom sounds very similar to OP's Mom and I know I will never get an apology ever...not even the half baked apology OP received.

She has only started admitting (after denying it for years) that many members of her family have mental health problems. In fact, my Mom does not even know I am in therapy now and I do not discuss it with her, and my therapist agrees--since I am doing this for me, not Mom. When I did tell her about a previous therapist her response was: "no one in MY family has mental problems" and "it's always the mother's fault, isn't it."

Only when I realized that there will never be an apology, and my job is to figure out how to deal with myself first and with my Mom (second or third or whatever) until she dies, have things started to turn around for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you in your life, OP? Are you a mother yet? I felt a lot like this before I became a mother. After I became a mother I began to realize that not everything my mother did was a concerted effort to be a bad mother. It was more a shoot-from-the-hip, doing the best she could kind of set up. Everyone is an imperfect mother. I'd like to mother my kids perfectly. I can't. I'd hate my little dramas to be held over my head. We all do the best we could. You're in therapy. Everything seems very intense right now. Let it go.

NP here. I experienced a lot of this - abuse, scapegoating, pretending everything is just fine in la la land - and had trouble processing it. I've been to many therapists but things crystallized (and came to an explosive head) just before I became a mother. In the months and now years after I first gave birth, I became even angrier that a parent could treat their own child this way. Some things are the era, or them "doing the best they can" (a phrase I hate because I feel like it makes excuses), and some things are inexcusable. I now have very limited contact with my mother and conversations are superficial. I hate it, but she refuses to deal in reality.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. My mother doesn't apologize either. She always makes it my fault somehow. It took decades for me to uncouple her behavior and my sense of self-worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you in your life, OP? Are you a mother yet? I felt a lot like this before I became a mother. After I became a mother I began to realize that not everything my mother did was a concerted effort to be a bad mother. It was more a shoot-from-the-hip, doing the best she could kind of set up. Everyone is an imperfect mother. I'd like to mother my kids perfectly. I can't. I'd hate my little dramas to be held over my head. We all do the best we could. You're in therapy. Everything seems very intense right now. Let it go.

NP here. I experienced a lot of this - abuse, scapegoating, pretending everything is just fine in la la land - and had trouble processing it. I've been to many therapists but things crystallized (and came to an explosive head) just before I became a mother. In the months and now years after I first gave birth, I became even angrier that a parent could treat their own child this way. Some things are the era, or them "doing the best they can" (a phrase I hate because I feel like it makes excuses), and some things are inexcusable. I now have very limited contact with my mother and conversations are superficial. I hate it, but she refuses to deal in reality.

This was my experience, too. I could never, ever treat my child the way I was treated. Having a child has made me even more aware of how awful she is/was. What possible excuse is there for looking at a child whose heart is breaking and making them feel even worse? Limited contact for sure.