Friends like to go out wife is a homebody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:different restaurants in Raleigh area

This forum is for those in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Are your "boys" jerks? Do you help your wife find a sitter or just call her after work and say you're meeting them for dinner so she has no chance of finding anyone? Is your kid sleeping through the night/getting up early and you expect her to get up after spending all night out with you and your boys? You sound like a douche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's no more than once a week, you aren't getting drunk, it's directly after work and you aren't staying out late, and you are giving DW once a week when you take the kid(s) and she can go out with friends while you are home or you take the kid(s) out while she stays home and had time to herself, then I don't see the issue. The first year of infant life though is the exception because if wife is breast feeding it may be hard for her to have her time alone.

I just want to add that when you take the kids and she comes home don't act all exasperated and bitchy from having to deal with the kids for a couple of hours. Maybe wife doesn't want to go out bc when she gets home husband is acting like a jerk bc it is soooo difficult to feed the kids dinner and put them to bed.

[Anonymous]

Many of these posts have not been constructive, so I will try to be constructive.

1) many married couples have different social needs. These tend not to be a problem until kids and household responsibilities arise in a significant way and the spouse "at home" feels that s/he is pulling more weight while the spouse "out" feels resentful if s/he can't go out once in a while solo. What is needed here is an agreement of what's reasonable (for us, its usually 1 night a week doing something solo, whether friends or gym or work event--and if its gym or work I'm still home by wish), a PLAN ahead of time so that spouse at home can be prepared, get help, pick up dinner, whatever. I think its important to have social life outside of marriage/home, but once a week is more than enough for us, and twice would be frowned upon by either of us, unless it was work.

2) There's not much you can do to encourage your spouse to go out--she's tired and exhausted (depressed? introvert?) but it doesn't mean she doesn't need time off. I used to be intensely social, but having kids knocked a lot of that desire out of me for a while. I found that when DH took the kids so I could just do stuff quietly around the house, or take a yoga class, or wander around a coffee chop, i was recharged. So its great that you do this on the weekends, but maybe even one night a week, take over and let her know she can go out, or not, but you're responsible for things.

3) In your situation, spouse is pregnant and caring for presumably a small child while you are out. This is tiring and she may be feeling abandoned before baby #2. That's why planning AHEAD is important and in this situation, getting her babysitting help or company. If you do not have good babysitting options now, you better find them because with another kid on the way you'll need it.

4) Are you planning time with the two of you? Its very hard to balance work lives, kids, social lives and intimate time, but its important that you do so, Make sure you are not making an effort only to see friends and not to take your wife on dates.

5) Finally, there are ways of being home to help out and seeing friends later. I did this on Friday: got home 5:30, made dinner, put kids in bath, got one kid to bed, and headed out at 8:15 to meet my friends for a drink, home before 11 pm. I'm older and more of my friends have kids, so understand the constraints, but this was actrually with two of my single girlfriends.

whatever you do, try to work these things out now, and assume that your social life and free time will be put on a hold after kid #2. It just will and you better deal with that resentment now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no reason you cant go out w friends like that.. DH and i have been married over 25 years and we both do this all the time.

Same here. Married 15.

OPs wife sounds unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

You cannot make your wife go out. It is, however, unreasonable of her to frown on you going out occasionally. You should find a good time to ask her directly what about that bothers her. I am assuming that you are otherwise a good husband, share the load at home, spend time with the kids and don't want to go out alone with the boys every night. If all of this is true, she is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:different restaurants in Raleigh area

This forum is for those in the DC area.

No, it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I buy her massages, I buy here memberships at this barre place (she never renews) and I love hanging out with out son. It's funny because we were both in Greek organizations (I know,I know) but we used to go out a lot in college and after when we moved to DC and then she just...stopped. Even before baby 1 came along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot make your wife go out. It is, however, unreasonable of her to frown on you going out occasionally. You should find a good time to ask her directly what about that bothers her. I am assuming that you are otherwise a good husband, share the load at home, spend time with the kids and don't want to go out alone with the boys every night. If all of this is true, she is unreasonable.

She's probably insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a wife, we have one kid and I'm currently pregnant. My husband is the type that loves to socialize. I on the other hand, am a total homebody. I suck it up and go out with my husband and the boys every now and then. Do I go to the bars with them? No... But he can go. Do I go out to dinner with them? Sure, we all have to eat. I don't see why she can't suck it up and go. She is pregnant, not handicapped.

Maybe she is tired from being pregnant or maybe she doesn't want to inhale SMOKE or sit next to someone who is a smoker. It clings to your clothes and skin and that can be bothersome to someone who is hates smoke.

Maybe she doesn't like the fact that he is hanging out with his fiends and not spending time with the family.

Maybe she doesn't like his friends. Or maybe she really is a homebody.

He should talk to her and figure out what will work for BOTH of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of these posts have not been constructive, so I will try to be constructive.

1) many married couples have different social needs. These tend not to be a problem until kids and household responsibilities arise in a significant way and the spouse "at home" feels that s/he is pulling more weight while the spouse "out" feels resentful if s/he can't go out once in a while solo. What is needed here is an agreement of what's reasonable (for us, its usually 1 night a week doing something solo, whether friends or gym or work event--and if its gym or work I'm still home by wish), a PLAN ahead of time so that spouse at home can be prepared, get help, pick up dinner, whatever. I think its important to have social life outside of marriage/home, but once a week is more than enough for us, and twice would be frowned upon by either of us, unless it was work.

2) There's not much you can do to encourage your spouse to go out--she's tired and exhausted (depressed? introvert?) but it doesn't mean she doesn't need time off. I used to be intensely social, but having kids knocked a lot of that desire out of me for a while. I found that when DH took the kids so I could just do stuff quietly around the house, or take a yoga class, or wander around a coffee chop, i was recharged. So its great that you do this on the weekends, but maybe even one night a week, take over and let her know she can go out, or not, but you're responsible for things.

3) In your situation, spouse is pregnant and caring for presumably a small child while you are out. This is tiring and she may be feeling abandoned before baby #2. That's why planning AHEAD is important and in this situation, getting her babysitting help or company. If you do not have good babysitting options now, you better find them because with another kid on the way you'll need it.

4) Are you planning time with the two of you? Its very hard to balance work lives, kids, social lives and intimate time, but its important that you do so, Make sure you are not making an effort only to see friends and not to take your wife on dates.

5) Finally, there are ways of being home to help out and seeing friends later. I did this on Friday: got home 5:30, made dinner, put kids in bath, got one kid to bed, and headed out at 8:15 to meet my friends for a drink, home before 11 pm. I'm older and more of my friends have kids, so understand the constraints, but this was actually with two of my single girlfriends.

whatever you do, try to work these things out now, and assume that your social life and free time will be put on a hold after kid #2. It just will and you better deal with that resentment now.

+1000 GREAT ADVICE.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the advice. Last night I did NOT go out and instead we watched a half hr of grand Budapest before she fell asleep and then I read and watched Leftovers. But here is an example of out divergence:

In 2 weeks I have to go to Houston for work. Arrive Wednesday and done Friday evening. I invited her to come, we're staying near the Galleria, she can hang there in the day do some shopping and we have the evenings together. Her parents can watch our son back here and we could even stay to Sunday and spend all Saturday together and have a great dinner. She said she didn't want to fly and deal with the airplane seats. I offered to upgrade using our miles to first class. We have a ton of friends in Houston. The river oaks area is upscale and there is lots to do. She refused. Now I've set up plans with my friends and she made the comment "oh you're going to be having fun in Houston". I'm at my wits end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe she is tired from being pregnant or maybe she doesn't want to inhale SMOKE or sit next to someone who is a smoker. It clings to your clothes and skin and that can be bothersome to someone who is hates smoke.

What the fuck is wrong with you? When is the last time you were in a bar? 2006?