Help me deal with mentally ill SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you having this woman to your house for "more than a few days"? You should have short visits with her, or get them a hotel to ease the awkwardness. Same for your visits with them.

I think your kids are old enough to understand the general concept of mental illness as illness and how to treat people this way (with compassion but not necessarily trying to help them unless they are ready to receive help).

If your BIL reaches out to you, you should help, and you sound genuinely concerned. But it's probably not something you can do to get him to that point.

Because BIL and my FIL and MIL all refuse to acknowledge the severity of the illness and would be offended at the hotel idea, either for them or us.

I'm sorry to hear this, but this is something for your husband or partner to deal with then. What do they say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's brother's wife. It's become apparent over the last two years that she has a mental illness. I don't know what it is nor has BIL shared, but it's evident. She has one topic of conversation, and she'll go hours without interacting with anyone, including her children. She's very emotionally removed, and oblivious to the work her mental absence causes everyone else. She doesn't want to do anything, and doesn't care for her kids. I don't know how to treat her and it's very awkward visiting their house or having her for more than a couple days in mine.

Any BTDT suggestions?

It's not your problem, it's your BIL's. I know it is annoying, but really, you need to leave them alone.

My kids are 11 amd 13. What do I tell my kids when they ask when she doesn't participate in conversations, even if directly addressed, and why she talks about nothing but the End Days?

Why would you not tell them the truth in a nonjudgmental way? Mental illness is everywhere and ignoring it will just teach your children that the behaviour of mentally ill people is wrong and shameful.

+1
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You need to speak up and ask your BIL what he's doing about his wife's mental illness. Maybe he doesn't realize it or is rationalizing it away. Quite frankly, people who are into the End of Days rant usually end up doing something fatal. Either to themselves or their children. Speak UP.

When people are afraid to speak up and do anything, you end up with tragedies like the Sandy Hook Elem shooting and the other one in CA. Mentally Ill people can be dangerous. It is up to you to encourage your BIL to get her help from the professionals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is at least harmless.

Everybody has someone a bit odd in the family. If she's not actively ruining your life, be grateful. Be kind, and teach your kids to have compassion for people who are a bit touched.

WTF? Your advice is to IGNORE the problem? Judging from the OP's post, that's what they have been doing and it's only gotten worse. It will not get better on its own. When people IGNORE the problem, it eventually escalates and can become tragic. Sandy Hook Elementary. The CA rampage. The Fort Hood shooting. All MENTALLY ILL people.

There was a woman who drowned her children because "God" told her to or she thought they would be better off in "heaven." Mentally Ill. Her husband did not help her and frankly, he should have been charged with the children's murder as well. He DID NOTHING and his children were murdered. She was mentally ill, and isn't responsible for what she did (heinous as it was.) What is HIS excuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you having this woman to your house for "more than a few days"? You should have short visits with her, or get them a hotel to ease the awkwardness. Same for your visits with them.

I think your kids are old enough to understand the general concept of mental illness as illness and how to treat people this way (with compassion but not necessarily trying to help them unless they are ready to receive help).

If your BIL reaches out to you, you should help, and you sound genuinely concerned. But it's probably not something you can do to get him to that point.

Because BIL and my FIL and MIL all refuse to acknowledge the severity of the illness and would be offended at the hotel idea, either for them or us.

Do you ask them for advice on having sex, too? You are an ADULT, so make your own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do I tell my kids when they ask when she doesn't participate in conversations, even if directly addressed, and why she talks about nothing but the End Days?

How about something like "I don't know why. That's how she is, I guess. Some folks are more into conversation than others."

But that's deflection. Aren't 11 and 13 year olds old enough to get a watered down version of the truth?

I don't think that's deflection. You don't know why; you are not a psychiatrist, presumably, and don't know what if anything she's been diagnosed with. It is just how she is. And some people are more like her and others have more mental health, social skills, and preferred topics of conversation.

Now if they get into questioning whether her kids are neglected...that's a different story and depends on if you think they are or if someone else is picking up the slack.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is severely mentally ill. She's a cutter, been anorexic, has attempted suicide several times and is manic depressive. It's heart breaking, I really do love her very much. She is married and has no kids, and has claimed she doesn't want any because she doesn't think she can handle them. S he is great with my kids. She lives thousands of miles away, we see her a few times a year. She is unable to work.

What I do is check on her regularly via phone, text, iChat, and emails. I remind my husband to check in on her too. We also check in with her husband regularly. He is very responsible to make sure she takes her medication, goes to therapy and isn't left home alone during her darker times. He is a saint.

I think checking in on both of them is important. My BIL needs to know we support him, are here if he needs to vent and will come out if he needs help, but also respect that he is in charge of SIL's care and as long as we feel she's been properly care for we won't interfere. I suspect if we all lived closer we would be more involved but geography gets in the way.

OP's children are old enough to be told the truth. SIL is ill, not everyone's brain works normally and something's wires don't cross correctly and people have trouble communicating how they feel or understanding the world around them. A mental illness shouldn't be shamed. It is a disease. This is an incredibly teachable moment for your kids. Use it to teach empathy and how to handle some quasi uncomfortable situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is severely mentally ill. She's a cutter, been anorexic, has attempted suicide several times and is manic depressive. It's heart breaking, I really do love her very much. She is married and has no kids, and has claimed she doesn't want any because she doesn't think she can handle them. S he is great with my kids. She lives thousands of miles away, we see her a few times a year. She is unable to work.

What I do is check on her regularly via phone, text, iChat, and emails. I remind my husband to check in on her too. We also check in with her husband regularly. He is very responsible to make sure she takes her medication, goes to therapy and isn't left home alone during her darker times. He is a saint.

I think checking in on both of them is important. My BIL needs to know we support him, are here if he needs to vent and will come out if he needs help, but also respect that he is in charge of SIL's care and as long as we feel she's been properly care for we won't interfere. I suspect if we all lived closer we would be more involved but geography gets in the way.

OP's children are old enough to be told the truth. SIL is ill, not everyone's brain works normally and something's wires don't cross correctly and people have trouble communicating how they feel or understanding the world around them. A mental illness shouldn't be shamed. It is a disease. This is an incredibly teachable moment for your kids. Use it to teach empathy and how to handle some quasi uncomfortable situations.

Great post. I like you a lot, PP.

[Anonymous]

The stigma against the idea of mental illness has decreased. People talk about it more and there is more awareness in general.

The stigma against people with a mental illness has not really yet decreased. Read threads on here of posters with a husband with depression, or a sister with borderline personality disorder or a sibling with bipolar disorder. The responses and advice is always still very, very stigmatized. Very negative, often attacking and blaming the person with the mental illness, the poster being told to leave (divorce or disown) them, support being called enabling, and a general attitude of -that mental illness is your spouse,sibling,parent's personal responsibility to fix on their own. Many post that anothers' mental illness shouldn't be allowed to impact the family and think that seeking treatment will make it all better and those who still have mental illness just haven't worked hard enough on treatment.

We have a long way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is at least harmless.

Everybody has someone a bit odd in the family. If she's not actively ruining your life, be grateful. Be kind, and teach your kids to have compassion for people who are a bit touched.

WTF? Your advice is to IGNORE the problem? Judging from the OP's post, that's what they have been doing and it's only gotten worse. It will not get better on its own. When people IGNORE the problem, it eventually escalates and can become tragic. Sandy Hook Elementary. The CA rampage. The Fort Hood shooting. All MENTALLY ILL people.

There was a woman who drowned her children because "God" told her to or she thought they would be better off in "heaven." Mentally Ill. Her husband did not help her and frankly, he should have been charged with the children's murder as well. He DID NOTHING and his children were murdered. She was mentally ill, and isn't responsible for what she did (heinous as it was.) What is HIS excuse?

PP here. Sounds as if you watch WAY too much TV. I corrected my mistake earlier in this thread. And I stand by my statement regarding compassion, and gratitude if the SIL is not ruining OP's life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a SIL that's similarly checked out. We are not sure what her problem is, no-one in her family or our family has been able to help her. It feels like depression with Asperger's, and something else as well.

It has seriously damaged her relationship with BIL, her husband, and has sadly ruined their son, who as a young adult is riddled with anxiety, low-self-esteem and suicidal tendencies. He doesn't do work or go to school, despite having a high IQ.

So I commiserate without really being able to help. Can you invite your nieces and nephews for extended periods of time so that your can instill your parenting values and boundaries, as well as give them the attention they crave?

[Anonymous]

What is the end days and do you think she is a danger to herself or her kids?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to limit contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the end days and do you think she is a danger to herself or her kids?

Sounds like she's worried about the end of the world, an acopoylpse or judgment day, zombies, etc., pick your poison.