What is the DEAL with my FIL?
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Anonymous
OP here - yeah, I knew it was hard to explain. I can see how it seems that way from the post. There was no heat or AC on in the house when I opened the window. You'd go into a guest's room and close a window a guest had opened? You'd roll up a car window if someone riding in the back needed a little air? I didn't say we always need help getting out the door. But if you see a person trying to wrangle two little kids, one of whom is crying, and you were sitting in a chair two feet away, you wouldn't offer to help? What if your wife was trying to keep a bunch of dishes going on the stove, hold the fridge door open with her foot etc - you don't think it is common courtesy to offer to help? I asked DH if he though that, when FIL was working, he'd have offered to help a co-worker who was obviously struggling with a heavy box right in front of him. He said he wasn't sure. When we were staying with family friends of theirs, the wife DREADS him coming (she confided in me) because he is such a terrible houseguest - roots through their food, parks on the couch with no offer to help, etc. Last time he brought an open cup of soda in their car, filled to the brim, and proceeded to (accidentally) spill it all over the car and didn't offer to clean it up. DH and his sister are worried about how bad it's become, because it'll only get worse as he gets older. It's definitely an old dog new tricks thing, but it's to the point where it's disrupting their family dynamic. I'm by no means perfect but I'm actually not the one who has the majority of the issues with him - they're very obvious to most who spend time around him. It's hard to explain online, perhaps? |
Anonymous
I don't think he is passive aggressive - I never said that. I just think it is very odd to see a person struggling right in front of you and not have the instinct to offer to help. |
Anonymous
| I can tell you that -- as someone without kids -- I would not offer to help you with your crying child. That never ends well. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like both my father and FIL. They don't interfere. I don't think it's odd for him to roll up a window in the car while he's driving - next time, just say "is it ok if I open the window?" Maybe it bothers him to have windows open. I don't open windows in my house, I would appreciate it if guests did not open windows without telling me. If you're uncomfortable, ask for a fan or a blanket. |
Anonymous
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OP you two are really going to have to let this go because he won't change and it will drive you crazy. He sounds like he doesn't want to interfere. He is from a different generation where the men were expected to NOT be involved with kids and NOT expected to help around the house. Help as a houseguest? Ha! Never going to happen.
You now know he has window issues. Just ask before opening or close before leaving the room. I promise you that you have hang ups which annoy the crap out of him. He just puts up with it since his son loves you and you are the mother of his grandchildren. Why not afford him the se respect? |
Anonymous
You did call him passive aggressive in your OP. Perhaps in error. |
Anonymous
Right. And a lot of parents wouldn't want anyone else helping the kid in the bathroom. Unless you explicitly say you want his participation in something, perhaps he thinks he's interfering. |
Anonymous
Oh you're right! That was in relation to the window thing - I should clarify it is a lake house cabin (doesn't even have AC), perfect weather, with a screen. He could have asked me to close it, or let me know he had? I definitely don't expect him to get knee deep in a poopy diaper or pull my three year old's pants down! I was thinking more just saying "hey can I grab the towels?" Or "can I get [DH] for you?" The example about him not helping his wide in the kitchen may be the most indicative.. |
Anonymous
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Enough already OP, if you want his help ASK FOR IT.
It is not rocket science. |
Anonymous
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He probably has oblivious, spacey, self-centered tendencies (if it's extreme, both ADD and Asperger's can have that effect), which instead of being treated when he was young, were just enabled. Which makes sense, since years ago these things were just put down as personality quirks. Solution: Please stop expecting him to change! You can just bark orders at him in the moment: "FIL, please take the roast out of the oven, it's beeping!". Or, "FIL, please turn the TV down, I'm putting the kids to bed!". |
Anonymous
Yeah, I think this is the case. I'm ok with doing that - but I don't want to seem rude especially in his house (that's actually another example - DH was trying to quiet the crying baby once when FIL was visiting and a neighbor was ringing the bell. FIL just turned the TV up.) DH is having a bigger problem with it, maybe bc he has grown up with it and now sees FIL as more of an equal? |
Anonymous
BUT YOU could have asked him to open the window or let him know you opened it. YET you except him to ask, tell you. You my dear are crazy. |
Anonymous
What? Not OP but she should ask permission to open a cabin window in a room she's staying in when there is no air conditioning to worry about? I agree with pp that it is likely a personality issue/disorder that is so ingrained it will never change. You say he isn't a cruel person so I think you just chalk it up to an in law quirk and learn to live with it! |
Anonymous
| Possibility: FIL finds OP very annoying and is doing his absolute best not to say anything. |
Anonymous
OP was saying he could have asked her to close it or let her know he closed it, she expects him to do that. |