Does my nanny have breast cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for you OP.

Is your nanny Hispanic/Latino? Reason being is that culturally, these groups tend to view illness in a different manner than us Americans. They tend to look down on illness...Even see it as a sign of weakness.

That may be why your nanny is being so casual about this, she may not want you to think she is weak + incapable because who really wants to be viewed in such a light?

If I were you, I would be direct w/her. This is a very important issue and not one you can sweep under the rug. If your nanny has cancer AND is going to go through treatment for it, then she needs to inform you. If she is going to go through chemotherapy and/or radiation, then she will be in no shape to care for your children, she will be hardly capable of caring for herself.

Stress this to her and let her know in no uncertain terms does any of this mean that you think any less of her. Having cancer does not make her incompetent or less valuable.

But if she is ill, she needs to take care of herself FIRST. Tell her you fully understand that + will support her as she undergoes treatment. Let her know if and when she returns, you will gladly give her back her position.

OP here. I think this PP nailed it. Our nanny is hispanic and she absolutely sees illness as a sign of weakness. She is one of those women who is an amazing caregiver for others, but will never admit she needs care herself. I don't want her to worry about losing her job over this but I do feel like we need to discuss her health and any limitations that may come up as she goes through treatment. She is a wonderful wonderful nanny and I would do anything to keep her, but we need to realistically consider if we need to find a temporary or back up nanny in case she gets ill with treatment. I also want her to prioritize HER health for once and to make sure that she's getting appropriate treatment, but I suppose that's overstepping my bounds as an employer.

Is she in a financial position to prioritize her own health? Her priorities may be based on her own situation and having money to pay rent and buy food are often higher priorities than health for people of limited means.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you willing to pay her her normal salary while while also hiring a back up nanny?

[Anonymous]

She's probably scared about being sick and also of losing her income so she wants to minimize it to you. Imagine how you would feel in that situation. Be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have health insurance? Paid sick leave?

OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I' empathize that she must be worried about finances and losing her job, but I'm still worried that she's not prioritizing her health. She has 10 days of vacation/sick leave with us, though she just took a vacation, and she doesn't work Thursdays (unpaid). I also pay her for the time our family takes vacation, though it's on our schedule and probably won't be convenient for her. She has health insurance through her husband's employer, however her husband has early stage Parkinson's so I'm sure they're concerned about how much longer he can work. She has always been paid above the table, so she can file for SSDI if she is ever not able to work, I suppose. Unfortunately, it would not be feasible for us to continue to pay her her salary while paying a back up nanny at the same time.

I want to be supportive, but I also recognize that she doesn't want to talk about this. Hard to be supportive while not mentioning it at all!

[Anonymous]

I have a question for you OP.

Is your nanny Hispanic/Latino? Reason being is that culturally, these groups tend to view illness in a different manner than us Americans. They tend to look down on illness...Even see it as a sign of weakness.

That may be why your nanny is being so casual about this, she may not want you to think she is weak + incapable because who really wants to be viewed in such a light?

If I were you, I would be direct w/her. This is a very important issue and not one you can sweep under the rug. If your nanny has cancer AND is going to go through treatment for it, then she needs to inform you. If she is going to go through chemotherapy and/or radiation, then she will be in no shape to care for your children, she will be hardly capable of caring for herself.

Stress this to her and let her know in no uncertain terms does any of this mean that you think any less of her. Having cancer does not make her incompetent or less valuable.

But if she is ill, she needs to take care of herself FIRST. Tell her you fully understand that + will support her as she undergoes treatment. Let her know if and when she returns, you will gladly give her back her position.

I'm a cancer patient presently undergoing chemo.

The only issue I have with the quoted is the bolded part. No, she doesn't need to inform you. You have no legal right to know and she has no obligation to disclose. Of course, you want to have the kind of employer/employee relationship where she is comfortable disclosing to you without fear of losing her job, but it is paramount that you understand that whatever she shares with you is a privilege, not your right to know. You do have the right to know she can do her job, and since she has chosen to share some information with you, discussing with her how you both should handle a situation where she cannot perform her job (IF she cannot perform her job) is responsible on both your parts and, I guarantee, something she is already thinking about.

The other issue I have with the bolded is the assumption that she "will be in no shape to care for your children." There is no way to know this, and frankly, it is assumptions like these that drive cancer patients to keep the diagnosis a secret. Many people tolerate chemo very well. Depending on the treatment, it can be somewhat predictable when one might be sick and need to be off work. Personally, I have worked through three chemo protocols and missed very few work days. On infusion weeks, I plan my clinic visits such that it is the weekend when I deal with the worst of the side effects. Occasionally, yes, I have contracted an infection or had another setback, but for the most part, until I lost all my hair, my coworkers had no idea what I was going through.

I wouldn't concentrate too much and the specifics of her diagnosis and whether she is getting "preventative chemo" or whatever. I'm willing to bet she isn't telling you everything for whatever reason. It doesn't really matter. The only thing that really matters is how to work out her job and her treatments.

I'm sorry this post is getting so long. For the tl;dr peeps, I'll end with a summary.

You don't have the right to know the details of your nanny's diagnosis, but, if you are invested in this nanny and want to work with her during this challenging time, use what she has already shred to open a conversation about what she may need and how you both might handle complications. Don't assume she won't be able to work. Ask her how you will both handle the possibility should it arise. Ask yourself and your family how flexible you will be able to be IF there are complications. Decide how valuable this nanny is to your family and how far you are willing to go to retain her. If you have little flexibility or few options, you need to discuss this with your nanny. No one wants to be fired while ill with no idea that the family simply can't accommodate them. If you choose to go forward, let her lead regarding communication about her situation.

Yikes, this is really long. Sorry, OP!

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny and a grad student going through chemo. I take mine orally, 2 weeks on, 4 weeks off. I get a little tired during the second week, but not bad. The first week I'm off can be a little rough too. It hasn't prevented me from working, but sometimes we have quieter days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have a question for you OP.

Is your nanny Hispanic/Latino? Reason being is that culturally, these groups tend to view illness in a different manner than us Americans. They tend to look down on illness...Even see it as a sign of weakness.

That may be why your nanny is being so casual about this, she may not want you to think she is weak + incapable because who really wants to be viewed in such a light?

If I were you, I would be direct w/her. This is a very important issue and not one you can sweep under the rug. If your nanny has cancer AND is going to go through treatment for it, then she needs to inform you. If she is going to go through chemotherapy and/or radiation, then she will be in no shape to care for your children, she will be hardly capable of caring for herself.

Stress this to her and let her know in no uncertain terms does any of this mean that you think any less of her. Having cancer does not make her incompetent or less valuable.

But if she is ill, she needs to take care of herself FIRST. Tell her you fully understand that + will support her as she undergoes treatment. Let her know if and when she returns, you will gladly give her back her position.

I'm a cancer patient presently undergoing chemo.

The only issue I have with the quoted is the bolded part. No, she doesn't need to inform you. You have no legal right to know and she has no obligation to disclose. Of course, you want to have the kind of employer/employee relationship where she is comfortable disclosing to you without fear of losing her job, but it is paramount that you understand that whatever she shares with you is a privilege, not your right to know. You do have the right to know she can do her job, and since she has chosen to share some information with you, discussing with her how you both should handle a situation where she cannot perform her job (IF she cannot perform her job) is responsible on both your parts and, I guarantee, something she is already thinking about.

The other issue I have with the bolded is the assumption that she "will be in no shape to care for your children." There is no way to know this, and frankly, it is assumptions like these that drive cancer patients to keep the diagnosis a secret. Many people tolerate chemo very well. Depending on the treatment, it can be somewhat predictable when one might be sick and need to be off work. Personally, I have worked through three chemo protocols and missed very few work days. On infusion weeks, I plan my clinic visits such that it is the weekend when I deal with the worst of the side effects. Occasionally, yes, I have contracted an infection or had another setback, but for the most part, until I lost all my hair, my coworkers had no idea what I was going through.

I wouldn't concentrate too much and the specifics of her diagnosis and whether she is getting "preventative chemo" or whatever. I'm willing to bet she isn't telling you everything for whatever reason. It doesn't really matter. The only thing that really matters is how to work out her job and her treatments.

I'm sorry this post is getting so long. For the tl;dr peeps, I'll end with a summary.

You don't have the right to know the details of your nanny's diagnosis, but, if you are invested in this nanny and want to work with her during this challenging time, use what she has already shred to open a conversation about what she may need and how you both might handle complications. Don't assume she won't be able to work. Ask her how you will both handle the possibility should it arise. Ask yourself and your family how flexible you will be able to be IF there are complications. Decide how valuable this nanny is to your family and how far you are willing to go to retain her. If you have little flexibility or few options, you need to discuss this with your nanny. No one wants to be fired while ill with no idea that the family simply can't accommodate them. If you choose to go forward, let her lead regarding communication about her situation.

Yikes, this is really long. Sorry, OP!

I'm not a nanny, but am a mom and cancer survivor, and am appalled by OP's intrusiveness and self-centeredness. Give this woman some space, and keep yourself to some healthy boundaries. If you are an employer that the nanny feels comfortable confiding in, she'll confide in you. But pushing her is just indecent, insensitive, and, frankly, really rude.

[Anonymous]

She is either ignorant or lying to maintain her privacy. If she's ESL, I'd offer to go to the MD with her so she can understand simple things like "just taking chemo without testing isn't a thing" and "biopsies don't cause cancer to spread". Just let her know that you aren't prying, but that what she is saying doesn't follow current oncology protocols and that if she needs help understanding her options you are there for her if she needs you. I'd be freaked out by this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not a nanny, but am a mom and cancer survivor, and am appalled by OP's intrusiveness and self-centeredness. Give this woman some space, and keep yourself to some healthy boundaries. If you are an employer that the nanny feels comfortable confiding in, she'll confide in you. But pushing her is just indecent, insensitive, and, frankly, really rude.

Yikes, OP here. I am trying to give her space and maintain the boundaries that my nanny wants to maintain. I came on this anonymous forum so I can ask OTHER people for insight into what she may be going through, given the limited information I have, what we can expect as she begins treatment, and how I can support her.

She is an absolutely fabulous nanny and is like a member of our family. I want to figure out how we can work through this. Thanks to all of the PPs who offered some insight. Nanny let me know that she is seeing an oncologist in 2 weeks, though I don't know if it's to begin treatment or if this is her first referral from her GP. I hope she feels comfortable telling me more in the weeks ahead, but I'm going to let her go at her own pace as much as necessary. We may need to discuss back-up child care arrangements at some point and obviously that will require more discussion if we get to that place.