manners

[Anonymous]

Is he on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 11. I remember my boy cousins (I'm about 9 years older than then) not being able to carry on a conversation from about 11 to 20, let alone say please or thank you. Boys are gross.

Signed,
mom of a 2 year old boy who will someday be gross

I just find this completely unacceptable

+1, who says things like that??? are you ten?

Good god, what is wrong with you? Your poor son.


Neither of mine are ill-mannered, or "gross"-- even as teenagers.

[Anonymous]

It's really not your business. I'd just ignore it.

However, depending on what kind of rapport I had with him, and what kind of kid he is overall, I would consider pulling him aside and telling him I think my kid looks up to him as a cool big kid, and asking him if he would help me teach my kid manners, like saying please and thank you. Small chance this could work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's 11. I remember my boy cousins (I'm about 9 years older than then) not being able to carry on a conversation from about 11 to 20, let alone say please or thank you. Boys are gross.

Signed,
mom of a 2 year old boy who will someday be gross

The behavior those boys exhibited is not inevitable, and it's a big part of your job to see that your kid doesn't turn out that way.

[Anonymous]

If you are dealing with him directly he needs to say please and thank you to you and your husband. - you can correct him when he doesn't. Outside of that you unfortunately can't do anything to correct him.

[Anonymous]

I correct any child who doesn't say please and thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he on the spectrum?

Huh? What is the difference. My autistic kid has manners. That is a parenting issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are on "vacation" with his family. Things have been really fine and he and I are able to go off and do our own thing. I am struggling with my SIL's son who is 11. He never says please, thank you, and appears to be unable to hold a simple conversation. His mother doesn't do anything to help him, which is driving his grandmother crazy. He plays on his IPad, watches tv, and not much else. My DH and I are committed to raising our child with manners and I am finding it really difficult not to intervene. I'm afraid I am going to say something and start a problem. So, am I being overly critical? He is 11.

Maybe ask him to go for a walk or play a game or something he is interested in. He is probably bored out of his mind. I wouldn't offer manners advice though!

[Anonymous]

He is 11 and he is on vacation. Wow...leave the poor kid alone. It's not your business and beyond that - he can not get a break when on vacation?! Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 11 and he is on vacation. Wow...leave the poor kid alone. It's not your business and beyond that - he can not get a break when on vacation?! Sad.

A break from manners? How amusing you are, PP.



OP,

I would make a point of interacting a bit more with him. That way, since you'll be the one asking if he wants another helping, etc, then it will become your business to gently correct him if he says "hmm" instead of "yes, please" and then prompt him for the "thank you", to which you will reply, "you're welcome".
You can always say to the company at large that in THIS family, manners do not go on vacation.

I was corrected by my aunts while in their company, specifically for manners. My mother and I didn't like it, but I gratefully remember the lessons!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I can't do anything about my nephew but it is having an impact on my child. This is DH's family and short of limiting time with them I am really at a loss for what to do. We follow through with consequences and I just think it stinks that my nephew has no expectations.

Different families parent differently. That is all you have to say to your child if he asks why nephews can do x and he can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I can't do anything about my nephew but it is having an impact on my child. This is DH's family and short of limiting time with them I am really at a loss for what to do. We follow through with consequences and I just think it stinks that my nephew has no expectations.

When I'm in a position where another kid we can't get away from is negatively affecting DD's behavior, I pull her aside and talk to her about not sinking to that person's level, and challenging her to do better and do what she knows she's supposed to despite what's going on around her. If I have to keep reminding her we establish a signal so she's not getting embarrassed in front of others.

+1. This, exactly. "Just because someone else is acting badly does not give you the right to also act badly. You know the expectations and the consequences." We also have a special signal/code phrase for this type of situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I can't do anything about my nephew but it is having an impact on my child. This is DH's family and short of limiting time with them I am really at a loss for what to do. We follow through with consequences and I just think it stinks that my nephew has no expectations.

ok I agree it's not your place to say something, but you can privately explain to your child why this behavior is unacceptable for your family. You have to throw your sib and your nephew under the bus--you have to, because you are teaching your child that this is *not* ok. And that you expect more from your children. Yes, you can judge, and I think you need to judge and help your child learn to judge. They need to see the comparison. You can help them make the connection that good behavior leads to more opportunities--more playdates, etc, and your nephew's behavior leads to less opportunities--less playdates.

Finally, it may be that your nephew is on the autism spectrum, or it's some way to deal with ADHD. We know a kid who is clearly on the spectrum and his parents give him electronics when out at restaurants etc so that they (the parents) can have a life and go to restaurants or out at all. I remember being at a table with them, their kid just ignoring everybody and playing video games, and my kid (same age) was upset that our rules were so strict by comparison (sit at the table and talk with people). Later I explained what was going on, and that in this situation it's ok to have different standards, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Intervening or correcting would technically be rude. So if you care about manners, that's completely off the table.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 11. I remember my boy cousins (I'm about 9 years older than then) not being able to carry on a conversation from about 11 to 20, let alone say please or thank you. Boys are gross.

Signed,
mom of a 2 year old boy who will someday be gross

I just find this completely unacceptable

I find this to be true except for my brother it was until30 years old.