New Sister in law needs excessive positive feedback

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I understand exactly what is going on here.

If it's just a matter of not being rude..um don't be rude.

If you feel like she takes things the wrong way, that is another story.

She takes things the wrong way. Not just from me but my entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I understand exactly what is going on here.

If it's just a matter of not being rude..um don't be rude.

If you feel like she takes things the wrong way, that is another story.

She takes things the wrong way. Not just from me but my entire family.

Give examples. You all may be rude.

[Anonymous]

Spend as little time with her as possible. When you are together, play music you can sing along to. Take up a musical instrument and sing. The less time you spend talking, the better.

[Anonymous]

Specific examples, please.

You are probably more insensitive than average with your "honesty." When someone asks you your opinion on, say, the restaurant they chose for a party, they do not what to hear "that place is terrible!" They want to chat and maybe gey some ideas. Not hear about why their idea is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She takes things the wrong way. Not just from me but my entire family.

I agree that perhaps you need to look closely at how the comments are made. I totally get that everyone has an opinion and some people are more willing to share negative ones. I tend to be in the "if you don't have something nice to say . . ." category whereas my mom speaks her mind openly. Sometimes her delivery lacks any element of finesse though.

If SIL asks an opinion, turn it around saying it's your choice, whatever makes you comfortable, however is easiest for you, etc. If you need to actually state an opinion, preface with my choice for what it's worth, im okay with any but if I had to choose, I prefer Y but can see why Z would be okay, . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She takes things the wrong way. Not just from me but my entire family.

I agree that perhaps you need to look closely at how the comments are made. I totally get that everyone has an opinion and some people are more willing to share negative ones. I tend to be in the "if you don't have something nice to say . . ." category whereas my mom speaks her mind openly. Sometimes her delivery lacks any element of finesse though.

If SIL asks an opinion, turn it around saying it's your choice, whatever makes you comfortable, however is easiest for you, etc. If you need to actually state an opinion, preface with my choice for what it's worth, im okay with any but if I had to choose, I prefer Y but can see why Z would be okay, . . .

OP here. I appreciate the suggestion, but having to censor myself and state things this way absolutely infuriates me. I am not a rude person. My family is not rude. But it is NOT our nature to be SO WISHY WASHY about everything. If you ask for my opinion, I will have one. If you know that about me and don't like it, please don't ask for my opinion. My opinion is not a criticism of you or your question. HOWEVER, with her questions via text message, I have basically shut down mentally when dealing with her and respond only with "sounds good" and "ok".

[Anonymous]

It's clear that you are not prepared to accept or correct the fact that you are being rude, and that your family is this way too.

No worries. Just don't complain about your SIL.

Poor her.

[Anonymous]

Op, I completely understand. It is the family dynamic

We too are a family that doesn't take life super seriously. we joke around, we tease, we saw what we think. We have great discussions and debates but all in good fun.

My brother also married a super sensitive women who gets hurt by everything. We were doomed either way - if we didn't include her in the banter and jokes then she felt excluded, if we did include her, she got hurt. Some people just require a lot of coddling and we aren't that kind of family.

Over the years we have all adapted - she understands that we are not ill intentioned and we try to just talk about her and do what she wants when she is around so that she will be happy. It is a compromise that 'works'.

[Anonymous]

So you all are blunt and she's being honest when she lets you know it's not fun for her. Why isn't she allowed to join the blunt fest? Why should she have to censor her feelings when you can't couch your opinions? She's a different person than you're used to having at family functions but she belongs at them anyway now. So be kind and don't worry about her psychology; just worry about you. If you're being a good sister then the rest is out of your hands.

[Anonymous]

You are going to wear that ugly dress to the party? Whatever, have fun with that.

You know, I always thought pink was a good color on you. Let's check out your closet and don't forgot to accessorize.

Do you see the difference. The tone and delivery make a huge diiference.

I wouldn't be surprised if your SIL posted on her how callous and lack of tact you have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you all are blunt and she's being honest when she lets you know it's not fun for her. Why isn't she allowed to join the blunt fest? Why should she have to censor her feelings when you can't couch your opinions? She's a different person than you're used to having at family functions but she belongs at them anyway now. So be kind and don't worry about her psychology; just worry about you. If you're being a good sister then the rest is out of your hands.

Good point!!! you guys get to be honest, but shes just supposed to swallow her feelings and put on a big happy smile?

[Anonymous]

OP, your SIL is the outsider who had married into your family. You have a duty to make her feel welcome in your family. Your brother (her husband) could be clueless about how she is feeling because he is a guy, and that could be making her feel more alone when she is with you all.

The onus to make her feel welcome falls on your family. And please don't use the excuse of "being straightforward" for being rude or unwelcoming. You have to accept her and moderate your behavior. Good manners, courtesy, politeness and thoughfulness goes a long way in making a new person feel at ease.

Else, you risk alienating your brother, especially when the kids will come. Your choice, OP!

[Anonymous]

You are being very hard on your SIL. Be kind to her so you can have a wonderful relationship. Don't you want that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be polite to your sister in law. It's really not that tough.

The issue is not about being POLITE, it's about LYING and pretending everything is all roses when it's not.

How does SIL handle her job? Does she never read/watch the news? Sheesh!

She is a nurse in a pretty intensive field, so she has to be pretty positive at work for the families sake.

I don't know, OP. If she's a nurse, I have a hard time believing that she is that thin skinned. Nurses have stressful jobs and deal with a lot of negativity.

Based on this thread, I think that your family may actually be more blunt about things than you realize. You don't have to be brutally honest about everything, especially little things. You may also have a delivery style that comes across differently than you realize.

I would be surprised if she thinks that her in laws are a bunch of rude people.