How do you handle "attitude" from your preteen/teen girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if DD is demanding you leave her room and yells "Get!" ?
And no, we don't use that turn of phrase that in our home.

Why am I in her room? Is this something that absolutely can't wait until later? We treat rooms as pretty personal spaces, any one of us can ask any other member of the family to remove themselves from our room and they must. Parents have more leeway when it's something that must be handled right now. I understand not every family shares that value, but I didn't have a place to myself when I was a teen and often it felt like I couldn't get away from the haranguing (from parents and siblings) even for a second.

Retreating to your room doesn't get you out of consequences for poor behavior or difficult discussions. Retreating for a time out until you're ready to resume the conversation is a reasonable and mature action.

As I am leaving her room, I would remind her to be polite, but if I've overstepped her attempt at setting boundaries by retreating to her room I understand anger in response.

I think this is a good point. I think teens (and preteens, and all children, really) need to have a little space of their own. They need to be able to be by themselves when they're upset. Sometimes they are angry and don't even WANT to yell back, but feel they can't help it. Surely we've all experienced times we can't control our temper. I think it is great if the child knows she needs to be alone, and a parent (like a sibling) should respect that.

[Anonymous]

Two bits of advice that are seemingly contradictory:

1. remember that it's really important that a daughter separate from her mother in her teen years, and that might be difficult.

http://www.brainchildmag.com/2014/04/here-we-go-grace-and-i/


2. When you're feeling angry remember the importance of building a connection with your daughter. What she's going through is difficult.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/12-year-old-daughter-constantly-fighting-with-mom

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 14 and some days, the attitude is unbearable. I have a harder time that DW because our daughter's personality is like mine, we clash more. I try to keep things in perspective, everybody has bad days and everybody is in a shitty mood from time to time. I don't think its reasonable to expect a 14 year old to be all sunshine and unicorns farting rainbows. It is entirely possible that her "attitude" is calendar-based. What we try to focus on are the behaviors more than mood or feelings. If she is rude or ignoring, I try to stay calm, take the high road, and not feed into her bullshit attitude. I pick my battles- the backpack needs to go in her room but it does not need to go in her room NOW.

In fancytalk, we try to give a clear instruction with a reasonable deadline and a consequence if she doesn't follow thru.

Tween/teen kids are dealing with hormones and are also testing limits and trying to develop independence. Be a parent but don't be an overreacting, bitchy, controlling parent. Its another phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think this is a good point. I think teens (and preteens, and all children, really) need to have a little space of their own. They need to be able to be by themselves when they're upset. Sometimes they are angry and don't even WANT to yell back, but feel they can't help it. Surely we've all experienced times we can't control our temper. I think it is great if the child knows she needs to be alone, and a parent (like a sibling) should respect that.

+1

If your kid is able to give themselves a timeout, you're doing great. Don't fight it, let them have their space. I don't think their timeout needs to be 4 hours with an iPad where they ignore everything. But half an hour to calm down is a great coping mechanism that should be reinforced.

[Anonymous]

I don't. The very first time it happened I said "We don't treat other members of the family with disrespect". But DH and I were a united front. You have to nip it in the bud. It never happened again. Use the line "would you speak to you friends, neighbors or teachers that way? then why me?". Flip it on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP, can you give some examples of narrating your own feelings and modeling good behavior? I think that's a great idea, not sure quite where to start.

"I had such a hard day at work today. I was in a meeting that went on forever and seemed pointless. Every little thing is irritating me right now. I want to scream about this traffic. I think when we get home I'm going to take 10 minutes and have a quick walk through the neighborhood. I hope you guys will be ok if I start dinner a little bit late. I need a few minutes to get my head together so I don't take my frustration out on you."

"I am disappointed. Larla just cancelled our weekend coffee get together. I look forward to that all week. I love spending time with her. She needed to do other things but I'm still so disappointed. Want to catch a movie with me this weekend? I'd like to do something during my weekend coffee time so I don't mope around."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just found out the mechanic needs my car for 3 days in order to fix it and I was feeling nervous and scared about how I was going to manage those 3 days. Your question came at just the wrong time, and I took my nervousness and fear out on you. I should know better. Dad and I can always share his car. Are you ok?"

"AUGH! I over cooked the steak. I get so angry when I mess up dinner like this! I'm going to take 3 deep breaths and see if I can't figure out some way to salvage this dinner."

"I'm still really angry about having messed up dinner. Do you guys need me? Would it be ok if I just sent myself to bed early with a nice cup of tea and a good book? Knock on my door if you need me for something."

They're really just more verbose versions of what you'd do with a toddler. I try to use words to identify emotions, I've been told that's an area of weakness with a lot of people. We just know we're having big feelings, but can't always figure out if we're angry or frustrated or sad. I try to include some sort of way I'm productively managing those feelings. I want my kids to be able to identify how they feel, things they can do to help manage those feelings, and most importantly that it's ok to be struggling with feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 12 year old boy here:

First, this is not a "girl" problem. It crosses both sexes.

I could not agree more with 14:34's response. It's perfect. A lot of patience and humor go a long way. If you find yourself getting angry and drawn into an argument, take a breath and step back. You do not have match every comment with a response. It's okay to stop talking.

As PP noted, these adolescents are "much like toddlers." That's why I found myself going back to using "1-2-3 Magic" where I respond with a simple "that's one" upon hearing a rude response. It's unemotional. And losing your phone if I get to 3 is a pretty powerful consequence.

Hang in there. Be creative, consistent and patient.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the OP, but this has been so helpful to me. 14:34 and 17:08, I'm printing out your replies and sharing them with DH!