My boyfriend is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP from your pp it says your boyfriend is dying from liver failure. I am so so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my father to liver failure and I know it is a horrible way to die. My only advice is to make sure your boyfriend knows how much you love him before he goes. I put off talking to my father because I was upset with him and I thought he had more time. Then he died suddenly and I hadn't talked to him for a month. The guilt has made the mourning process so much harder, sometimes I feel like I will never be able to move on and be happy again. If he does move back home with his parents just try to make sure you leave things and a good note.

Thank you for sharing that PP. I try to tell him everyday how much I love him.
Your post made me cry. I'm sorry about your father.

[Anonymous]

OP- you need to take care of yourself first. You said there are no support groups available but you're in therapy, right? I find it a little hard to believe your therapist doesn't know of any support groups for grief/loss. It doesn't matter that the disease and marital status match perfectly. You need support. Ask your therapist, call a hospice and ask about support groups for you, call his doctor and ask about support groups for you. Medical professionals should have better suggestions than an anonymous forum.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- you need to take care of yourself first. You said there are no support groups available but you're in therapy, right? I find it a little hard to believe your therapist doesn't know of any support groups for grief/loss. It doesn't matter that the disease and marital status match perfectly. You need support. Ask your therapist, call a hospice and ask about support groups for you, call his doctor and ask about support groups for you. Medical professionals should have better suggestions than an anonymous forum.

Good luck.

Thank you PP. I will find something. It's definitely time.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
I have debated posting this as tone online can be misinterpreted and I don't want you to feel like I'm being mean or snarky. But, I do think there is a bit of advice in here after watching my friend go through this with her bf (terminal cancer).

You say you don't want to live without him and you can't imagine moving on. The harsh reality is that at some point, you will have to live without him. I know you are in therapy, but addressing that may be beneficial to you.
You also have to keep in mind how the guilt/stress weighs on him regarding this situation. He loves you, but he does feel like he's holding you back. Every time you stay in with him and don't go out with friends because you don't want to leave him, he feels guilty. You have to give him credit that he's being honest with you. He wants you to move on while you're still young (32 is young) because he knows at some point you are going to have to move on, and he'd rather you do it now than when you are 40. Especially since it will take a long time for you actually do move on.
For whatever reason, he's decided that living with his parents is the best option. It is probably his way of giving you an out that doesn't impact him. You may find someone else in a few years who you love and you may not.

I would look into not only groups for caretakers/loved ones of those with terminal illness, but also into support groups that deal with loss of a loved one. I'm sure there are some catered to just those who lose a significant other.

Anyways OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,
I have debated posting this as tone online can be misinterpreted and I don't want you to feel like I'm being mean or snarky. But, I do think there is a bit of advice in here after watching my friend go through this with her bf (terminal cancer).

You say you don't want to live without him and you can't imagine moving on. The harsh reality is that at some point, you will have to live without him. I know you are in therapy, but addressing that may be beneficial to you.
You also have to keep in mind how the guilt/stress weighs on him regarding this situation. He loves you, but he does feel like he's holding you back. Every time you stay in with him and don't go out with friends because you don't want to leave him, he feels guilty. You have to give him credit that he's being honest with you. He wants you to move on while you're still young (32 is young) because he knows at some point you are going to have to move on, and he'd rather you do it now than when you are 40. Especially since it will take a long time for you actually do move on.
For whatever reason, he's decided that living with his parents is the best option. It is probably his way of giving you an out that doesn't impact him. You may find someone else in a few years who you love and you may not.

I would look into not only groups for caretakers/loved ones of those with terminal illness, but also into support groups that deal with loss of a loved one. I'm sure there are some catered to just those who lose a significant other.

Anyways OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I wish you the best.

I didn't find your post mean or snarky at all.
I understand why he's doing it. I really do. It's hard to think rationally about it when it's happening to you.
I'm going to ask my therapist to assist me in finding an appropriate support group.
Most of them are strictly for people who have already lost someone, for loss of children, miscarriages and the loss of a parent.
I'm exercising, eating well, meeting with friends and volunteering. I'm doing anything I can to be good to myself right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 32 and have been dating my BF for 6 years, living together for 1.
He has a degenerative disease. When we met, he had very few symptoms and his doctors had a handle on everything.
Over the last year, his health has gotten much, much worse. He is in almost constant pain, can barely walk and his memory and cognitive abilities are being affected. He is in a bad mood everyday, which is understandable. I spend my days worrying about him. It has taken over my life. As a result, out relationship has suffered. We are very rarely intimate and live more like roommates. I love this man but this disease is taking everything away from us.
We were laying in bed and he told me that he feels horrible guilt for robbing me of my life. He said that I deserve to be with someone who can give me the life I deserve, someone who I can live a full life with. He then told me that he is planning to move to his home state to live with his parents because he knows he can't work for much longer and because he knows he doesn't have much time left.
My heart is broken. I don't want to be away from him.
I worry that I will never find love like I had with him. I worry that I will compare future partners to him.
I'm afraid of facing a world without him in it. I feel so sad for him.
I don't really have a question. I could really use some words of encouragement or advice from someone who has been through something similar.

These should be the least of your concerns. You will forever be changed from this experience. If you treat things with compassion, empathy, and kindness, you will emerge a better person.

[Anonymous]

Ok glad my tone didn't come off mean!
OP, I have to say, the fact that you are eating well, exercising, and meeting with friends/volunteering is amazing. It is so important to have that outside support system in place for what you're going through and I'm very happy to hear you're taking care of yourself.


OP, have you posted on a website such as this? http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/forum/26-coping-with-terminal-illness-upcoming-death/

http://www.caring.com/support-groups

Perhaps you can find some people online through websites geared towards grieving and coping with a terminal illness.
Posting on one of these support groups pages might also help you find someone who has been through something similar. I'm sure there are more out there but these were just two that showed up when I googled


Best of luck OP

[Anonymous]

OP here. I can guarantee you I'm not in it for the life insurance. You are a true asshat and I sincerely hope this never happens to you. What an odd thing to suggest.
Thank you to everyone else for posting.
15:59-thank you for posting these links. This is very helpful.
I know this is an anonymous board but you all have made me feel better.

[Anonymous]

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can guarantee you I'm not in it for the life insurance. You are a true asshat and I sincerely hope this never happens to you. What an odd thing to suggest.
Thank you to everyone else for posting.
15:59-thank you for posting these links. This is very helpful.
I know this is an anonymous board but you all have made me feel better.

Op, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I was facebook friends with a lady who died of colon cancer. She posted through her journey and then her husband posted after she couldn't. I don't know if you're religious at all but that is one route to peace that you might explore.

Here's a link I found for grief support groups - http://www.griefshare.org/ - also maybe on meetup.com you could find others in your situation? It seems like it should be so easy to find a group of spouses/SOs of the dying.

I'm not sure from your post how much time your boyfriend has left. If it's very short, like less than a year, I think it would be very hard for you to say goodbye now and try to move on before he has passed. If it's several years, maybe he's right? I don't know.

I just know that you should tell him that your time with him wasn't wasted, that every day in this life is a gift for each of us to do with as we choose. Your time with him was special and shaped who you are and made you a better person as love always does. You're better for knowing and loving him than you would have been without. I don't mean to sound hokey, but "you could have missed the pain, but you would have missed the dance." Love always ends, and never when we want it to, but I believe we're always better for having truly loved someone. And that couldn't have happened with just anyone, it happened with him, and he should be proud of having given you that gift of love.

Thank you so much for writing that PP. I'm so raw right now and this is exactly what I want to say to him.
You bring up another side to this. We don't know how long he has. He told me that he feels he doesn't have much longer.
The thought of moving on if he only has a little time left would be impossible. I want to be with him through it.
I never imagined I would be 32 and facing something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can guarantee you I'm not in it for the life insurance. You are a true asshat and I sincerely hope this never happens to you. What an odd thing to suggest.
Thank you to everyone else for posting.
15:59-thank you for posting these links. This is very helpful.
I know this is an anonymous board but you all have made me feel better.

Op, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I was facebook friends with a lady who died of colon cancer. She posted through her journey and then her husband posted after she couldn't. I don't know if you're religious at all but that is one route to peace that you might explore.

Here's a link I found for grief support groups - http://www.griefshare.org/ - also maybe on meetup.com you could find others in your situation? It seems like it should be so easy to find a group of spouses/SOs of the dying.

I'm not sure from your post how much time your boyfriend has left. If it's very short, like less than a year, I think it would be very hard for you to say goodbye now and try to move on before he has passed. If it's several years, maybe he's right? I don't know.

I just know that you should tell him that your time with him wasn't wasted, that every day in this life is a gift for each of us to do with as we choose. Your time with him was special and shaped who you are and made you a better person as love always does. You're better for knowing and loving him than you would have been without. I don't mean to sound hokey, but "you could have missed the pain, but you would have missed the dance." Love always ends, and never when we want it to, but I believe we're always better for having truly loved someone. And that couldn't have happened with just anyone, it happened with him, and he should be proud of having given you that gift of love.

Thank you so much for writing that PP. I'm so raw right now and this is exactly what I want to say to him.
You bring up another side to this. We don't know how long he has. He told me that he feels he doesn't have much longer.
The thought of moving on if he only has a little time left would be impossible. I want to be with him through it.
I never imagined I would be 32 and facing something like this.

Thank you for the link as well!

[Anonymous]

I am skeptical. If this were true love, why wouldn't he want to be with you? Get married, etc? Instead he is going home? Maybe it's time for you to also evaluate whether this relationship was genuine outside of the tragic situation. You can love him and his memory but also realize that there is true love out there for you.

[Anonymous]

If he is getting to the stage where he needs hospice care, then maybe the best thing for him is to go home so his parents can take care of him full time. It's better than strangers taking care of him. I assume you are working so you cannot be the full time care taker. He feels this is best for him and for you. You can always visit (don't know how far it is), skype, call, email. I can't imagine what this is like...I'm so sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Skeptical PP - how much real love do you have in your life? Doesn't sound like much. True love means he wants the best for OP, which won't be achieved by pretending he's not sick and that caring for him will be difficult.

PP about the life insurance/tort proceeds - what goes around, comes around. You may not know it yet, but your vile and rude demeanor has no doubt sown some badness that will come, perhaps when you least expect it and most need a friend. They will all see you as you are.

OP, you are a brave and wise woman. Beyond your years. You will finish this relationship proudly and lovingly and go on to love again. I know a woman whose husband died of a brain tumor when they were in their 30s. She had kept up with exercise during the ordeal and met a kind man at an exercise class about a year later. They are married with amazing kids and very happy and she still honors her love for the first DH by remembering him kindly. Trust the universe to bring you what you need at the right time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can guarantee you I'm not in it for the life insurance. You are a true asshat and I sincerely hope this never happens to you. What an odd thing to suggest.
Thank you to everyone else for posting.
15:59-thank you for posting these links. This is very helpful.
I know this is an anonymous board but you all have made me feel better.

Op, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I was facebook friends with a lady who died of colon cancer. She posted through her journey and then her husband posted after she couldn't. I don't know if you're religious at all but that is one route to peace that you might explore.

Here's a link I found for grief support groups - http://www.griefshare.org/ - also maybe on meetup.com you could find others in your situation? It seems like it should be so easy to find a group of spouses/SOs of the dying.

I'm not sure from your post how much time your boyfriend has left. If it's very short, like less than a year, I think it would be very hard for you to say goodbye now and try to move on before he has passed. If it's several years, maybe he's right? I don't know.

I just know that you should tell him that your time with him wasn't wasted, that every day in this life is a gift for each of us to do with as we choose. Your time with him was special and shaped who you are and made you a better person as love always does. You're better for knowing and loving him than you would have been without. I don't mean to sound hokey, but "you could have missed the pain, but you would have missed the dance." Love always ends, and never when we want it to, but I believe we're always better for having truly loved someone. And that couldn't have happened with just anyone, it happened with him, and he should be proud of having given you that gift of love.

Thank you so much for writing that PP. I'm so raw right now and this is exactly what I want to say to him.
You bring up another side to this. We don't know how long he has. He told me that he feels he doesn't have much longer.
The thought of moving on if he only has a little time left would be impossible. I want to be with him through it.
I never imagined I would be 32 and facing something like this.

You are awfully young to have to go through this. It's not fair but life rarely is. Stay strong, but let yourself cry. Also, have you read books by Elisabeth kubler Ross? She is the expert on the stages of grief.

--RH